I am having a very hard time, as the holidays approach, with teaching my children the beauty of Chanukah and not having them see it as a Jewish x‑mas. I know it has become somewhat of a tradition to give children gifts during Chanukah, but is this really a Jewish custom?
24 Comments Posted
Dear Unwrapped,
We have 8 days of Hanukkah! We party for 8 days! The non-Jewish kids in our neighborhood, actually come over to watch our lighting of the outside Hannukiah, where we publish the miracle of Hanukkah. They especially like coming over for the last night, when all the candles are lighted - They love it! I have gelt for ALL the kids, and they are actually jealous that my son gets 8 gifts, one for each night of Hanukkah!
After we light the Hanukkiyot candles (Hanukkah Menorahs), we read the Hanukkah reading from the Torah for that day of Hanukkah, then he gets his gift.......so Torah first, gifts after;)....So start some fun exciting Hanukkah traditions in your house! You may find that your childrens' Jewish and non-Jewish friends want to come over to your home, because it is so much fun!
Chag Hanukkah Sameach! Happy Hanukkah!
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I used to work at a musical instrument shop in a mall. As the Winter Holiday Season approached, a coworker said to me, "I was going to get you a gift, but I heard you were Jewish, and I didn't want you to be offended." Forgive me for perpetuating stereotypes about our tribe, but I can't resist a good Jewish joke. I said to her: "Offended?! Are you kidding? Jews love free stuff!" Then I gave pretty scarves to her and the other ladys at the store. I said, "Happy Holidays!" without specifying theirs or mine. I felt it was more important to be neighborly than to argue about religion.
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I was raised in a college town where we all had parents who were liberal, assimilated college professors, and where we went to a Reform temple about once a quarter and for the high holidays. Married a modern orthodox man who didn't like the idea of big gifts on Chanukkah. I persisted, since it was 'tradition' in my family.
Last night the neighbors came over because they wanted their children to learn about Chanukkah. After my husband lit our menorah, I bent down next to my son and two boys about his own age, and asked my son to tell them why we light candles. I was expecting something about big battles and swords - he is a five year old boy, after all.
What I got was "Every time Daddy lights a candle, Mommy gives me a present!"
So what I've learned is no matter how many times you talk about the meaning and play Ma'oz Tzur, children - especially young ones - only listen to your actions.
Next year, we'll be doing books and gelt :)
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Now is precisely the time to stand apart, or else - what's next? - put the presents under a tree???
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Children love gifts. They whole face lights up. I always said No gifts, but in the light of the kids' faces i have changed my mnid. Let the children have gifts. It will give them happy hanuikah memories.
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- if this was a website just for women, but it's a Jewish website also. Children's faces may lit up also if we let them stay up until 2AM, or let them cross the street right where they want it, or maybe if we give them an action/restricted movie or a cheeseburger! What are we telling our children that Chanukah is?
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My husband and I will be dinner guests at a friend's home in honour of the first night of Hanukkah. As non-Jews, we are honoured by the invitation.
We would very much like to give a hostess gift that would be appropriate to the holiday. Can you suggest something?
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Some friends give my son a historic coin every year, Starting with a 1948 Shekel, this year 1944 Indian rupee. As he gets older, he can learn to appreciate the history behind the coins and how he fits into history. The rest of my family exchanges gifts at New Year. Hispanic Catholics exchange gifts on Jan 6, Epiphany to commemoray the gifts the Magi brought; Christmas being a solemn event. It seems to me that holding a absolute No Never stance can get in the way of creative problem solving, throwing away opportunities to help our children learn to live with dignity and respect in the multi-cultural reality of our world.
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how about a nice Jewish inspirational book? there are many options out there, you can find suggestions at chabad.org/store
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How about a bottle of Kosher wine? Or Kosher sparkling cider? Most supermarkets carry "something". Kedem being the most popular brand and averaging around $5 a bottle. If you live in a large Metropolitan area, you will have more options. A small boquet of fresh cut flowers or a houseplant are also always nice on any occassion...no one is expecting you to whip up a traditional holiday dish/dessert to bring over. A sedaka box with a few coins in it or a card showing a pledge/donation to their temple/shul or similar charity in their name would also be appreciated. Money gifts should be given in denominations of 18 . A box of fancy shabbot or chanukah candles is also an idea. I'd be pleasantly surprised and delighited by any of these if a guest brought them!
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DO give Hanukkah gifts. FUN gifts. Blocks. Non-battery-operated trains. Dolls. And, no, it's not traditional. Give gifts anyway, to children. Not to adults. Except your own children and grandchildren. DO GIVE fun gifts, like Jewish books and CDs, to your own children and grandchildren. And be sure to include Hanukah chocolate gelt as a decoration on the package or in the pretty bag.
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We gave our son a coupon to get out of one chore each night. We have been feeling like Chanukah is getting too much like Christmas any way. It should be a time of rededication. This year our son decided to wear his tallit more and participate in morning prayer more. This I am proud of.
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Growing up, recieving gifts at chanukah helped me to learn to love the holiday instead of being embarassed that I was different from my friends, before I was old enough to appreciate it for the religious aspects alone. When someone would ask me 'what was your favorite christmas present?' my answer was never 'I don't get christmas' it was always 'I get a special holiday called chanukah and it lasts all week!'
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we are converting, my husband myself and 6 children. The eldest is 25 the youngest is 4, and one of the most special things has happened. As parents we expected to have a full scale riot, a war, when we deleted the unecessary gift giving related to the end of the year.
BUT no, our wonderful children have each accepted and in fact thrill with the observance of chanukah, the latkes, the doughnuts the lighting of the menorrah.
Last year we read story after story before and after lighting and we made such wonderful memories and this year the children are excited about reading the same stories and new ones as they celebrate the miracle of chanukah. We also celebrate our special miracle of chanukah.
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As a child me and my brothers recieved gifts everynight of chanukah as well as all the traditions, it did help us feel special when our neighbor friend got her christmas tree. As we grew older and came to understand that it was just to compete with xmas the gift giving stopped, but the traditions continued. So I think if he child is going to be exposed to nonjews, I would not want my kid wishing they had the whole xmas tree and presents, so why not bribe them for a couple years to make them think that chanukah is better until they are old enough to know that it really is!!!
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For those who live in a big urban area where there are many Jewish families/ observant relatives and lots of events, it makes sense to downplay gift giving of Chanukah. That being said, if the family lives in a dwindling Jewish community where the children have minimal contact with other Jewish children and have zero extended family with kids, ramping up Chanukah works well. I grew up in such a community, and my kids are in such a community now. Having a beautifully decorated home (with Hannukah items and blue and silver colors) and lots of great gifts makes it a great occasion and makes my kids feel much less left out. However - and this is important - we couple this with shul attendance, a tiny family Hannukah dinner and having a special event for an elderly, isolated Jewish person. One night of Hannukah, part of the kids' gifts will be some money - to donate to their favorite cause .
A great, meaningful week!
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My husband and I were raised in different countries (Mexico and Venezuela) both with strong Jewish communities. We were also both raised with in the conservative Judaism and neither him or I ever go gifts during Hanukah. Taking into account that our countries are 99% catholic, for our parents giving in to gifts giving would have been very easy. But, it was never an issue.
We now live in USA and are trying to raise our daughter and son the same values. I actually work in Jewish Education and Hanukah is always the hardest holiday to celebrate with others because of the fact of gift giving. Our son is already 12 and our daughter 8 and even thought the understand the concept of not gift giving in our family, they are always left out when they go to shul or hang out with other friends. Being Jewish in America is very easy. Raise a Jewish child in a 99% Catholic setting is not! Why is it then than in this country people do not want to stand up for real Jewish identity values?
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WHen our kids were small, they got one big present (bike etc.), then 7 smaller presents, like books, boots, gloves etc. I remember my older cousin who never got anything at Hanukah having to make up stories so her friends wouldn't feel sorry for her. It's the quantity the sheer overabundance that causes problems, not a few thoughtful maybe useful gifts/
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It's hard to not cringe at the questions that arise this time of year for our children.
As a Jew who grew up in the States we were taught to tell non Jews that Chanukah was not a major holiday, that it was militaristic in nature and not one of our big days. It was an apparent attempt to distance ourselves from the nation's other winter holiday (the one with trees and gifts). But it damages our heritage when we say this is a minor celebration. Even when our traditions have seemingly similar actions like gift giving we don't have to overcompensate by belittling ourselves.
As an adult living in Israel, this is not a problem. We can celebrate with gifts and gelt and family traditions that we played down in my childhood. We try to avoid spending too much on gifts but Chanukah in our house means handmade gifts and lots celebration of the miracle and our many blessings B'Eretz HaKodesh, in the holy land.
PS As children we always had one night of food pantry shopping and work in the soup kitchen
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Great question and response.
I learned some great truths about Chanuka that I never knew about which still isn’t too much.
Growing up in a secular modern community and family, most Jewish and Christian children probably received the same amount and quality of gifts. Ironic how a victory to celebrate and continue the Jewish emphasis on the spirit vs. the Greek Hellenistic physical emphasis has evolved in much of modern society to a largely physical celebration among many Jews.
I agree about providing one or two special gifts and then providing educational gifts.
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Chanukah and Purim are both considered minor holidays,
Happy Chanukah!
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The giving of gifts, I think is celebrating the Joy which the gift of family, and friends, bring in celebrating Hunukkah. The Miracle of the oil, is a blessing from the Lord our G-d, and also a gift from Him as well, for Standing up for Him. When we bless Him, He blesses us!! Teach our children to give their best to the Lord our G-d, and not to come to Hm empty handed.
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For us, gifts are part of the Chanukah ritual. We do not spend a lot of money, but we take time to wrap a small gift for each child to open as part of the larger celebration
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My grandparents, may they rest in peace, fled Eurpoe just a step ahead of the Nazis. My cousins, siblings, and I have wonderful memories (and photos!) of Chanukah at their home, as they had a family party each year on the Sunday night of Chanukah.
Today, I maintain this ritual. In our home each night (and with a large group of family on the Sunday night), we light candles, then sing lots of songs together. Then every child who can speak tells a story or shares a bit of holiday learning, and then we have a gift exchange. Then dinner, latkes, apple sauce, and sufganiot and fruit for dessert. We end the night with competitive dreidle playing for chocolate gelt.
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I have never received or given a gift for Chanuka, except some shiny pennies as a child and some chocolate coins to my own child. I do not believe that I was in any way harmed by not imitating my Christian friends and neighbors. A friend of mine who did go in for the "eight gifts--eight!!" ritual was in tears a few months later when her children demanded to color Easter eggs.
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