The most important institution of Jewish life, next to the home, is the mikveh and its cycle of union and separation between husband and wife. Because precious things only stay beautiful when you follow the manufacturer's instructions...
14 Comments Posted
Is this cycle of yes / no to sex really all that marriage-enhancing? When it's time for 'yes,' suppose that 'yes' is only a calendar thing? How can one possibly predict how one will feel - and what one will want - at a time that isn't here yet?
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This comment is an answer to the previous post:
Mikvah is a commandment from G-d. That's why we do it. While there may be numerous benefits that can be perceived, the most important results of the mikvah are beyond comprehension. In any case, if abstaining from your mate for half the month is not enough to make you yearn for him/her, then perhaps there are problems within the marriage that need to be dealt with. Mikvah enhances the relationship between husband and wife. However, it can't enhance what is not there to begin with.
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Author, re. union /separation in marriage: "a plain stone, if it's withheld for a while, becomes a coveted jewel."
Is this how both men AND women feel? Because, during some of those 'stay-away' days, a woman, perhaps not feeling so good anyway, may be much ok with abstinence. A man may feel a delicious suffering during that time - while a woman may feel tense, down, irritable, etc, and may reach for a pain medication to alleviate her not-so-delicious suffering.
Also, almost everything can become a habit. Even abstinence. And if abstinence were to become habit, I don't think that would be very stimulating for any marriage.
I apologize for sending in another comment re. this article. But earlier I kept feeling that with a Jew (Torah observant), I have to tread so lightly with this subject as to almost not touch upon it at all.
But today my thoughts are: if an author writes about sex, a reader should be able to comment on what was written.
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"sanctity of our relations as men and women" HOW PROFOUND!
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Following my marriage I was frightened, what it would be like not to have physical contact for 12 days (or more) of the month? It was hard at first and very uncomfortable. However, that faithful night, immediately after my wife went to the Mikvah, it felt like we were newly married.
Remember that first night you were married? When you finally were like one, remember the fiery love of that first night? Well, I felt it all over again! It may not be easy, but it is very rewarding!
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To the previous writers:
It is a known fact, even for non-jews who are trying to find better ways of making a marriage last for more than a few years, that the laws of the Torah about Family Purity are the best way for that!
It is just because you are abstained from each other, that you yearn so much for "that day" to come - and that's what brings to your marriage a feeling of love that will last forever.
And this feeling never ends... Eventhough we get used to a lot of situations, this is a different one. You feel like a newly wed every single month.
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Great Article!
This topic engenders way too little open discussion. It's amazing how many misconceptions abound with respect to these laws!
I think Mikvah serves as an empowerment tool for women more than anything else.
I recently heard a pop psychologist advocating abstinence to enhance marriage life. It seems like the latest therapists are catching up to this age-old tradition.
Taking a more critical stance--have these Mikveh laws created disunity in some marriages? Especially in instance where only one partner elects to ascribe to this way of life it could potentially lead to promiscuity. I'm positive that overall it's a great mechanism to enhance marriages life, despite its ultimate superrational basis.
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I am observant. I understand we do this mitzva because it is commanded. Just like there are levels of Torah study or ahavat Israel or differing hechshers, there are different experiences with the mikvah. Justas in tefilla, not everybody achieves the desired kavvana so easily. For some, the mitzvah yields much love when reunited. The article speaks of this. Not everybody is physically healthy however. I have known many religious Jews who have deep challenges with the mitzva but do it anyhow. For some not as blessed with health, physical suffering or pain color the whole experience. To not be soothed by gentle touch while in pain or ill for the 2 weeks is hard and lonely. Often after the separation ends, the pain inhibits one from enjoying the bliss of reunion on the projected day. Others say some men (and women) turn to other interests as a fence around erotic feelings and then have a hard time switching their brains over to permitting themselves to be sensual again.
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How can 2 people not say "I love you" for 12+ days every month? To not even hug, nor reach out to the other with a brief but gentle touch...for 12+ days; how is it possible?
Just look at your child and you will know how important touching is; how much it's connected to love.
Re. sex: I compare it to a piano keyboard. The who of you (general you) can be expressed via music, for example- but if you stay away from music for long periods of time, over and over, how can you ever play much more than the scales?- and I'm not trying to be rude.
What I'm talking about is expressing who you are, who you really are, in a sexual way. But I don't see how that can be done if that expression is encouraged half the month, and everything but encouraged the rest of it.
My question: I would like to know where G-d says that a married Jewish couple cannot touch, in any way at all, for nearly half a month - every month. My status of non-Jew may change one day, so this is important to me.
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I think living this way accounts for so many Orthodox Jews having such big families.
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It was very interesting to read about the mikveh. But the author could have brought out a feminist issue. Compliance with the laws of family purity empowers the woman because it means that a man cannot have intimate relations anytime he wants it. This is a very big issue. This alone should bust the myth that non-Jews have that Jewish women don't count!
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You do say "I love you" in the 'time off' - Just not in those words.
How many woman are dying for thier husbands to express themselves in more than three words. This time is perfect for a couple to show how much they mean to each other in all of the thousands of tiny details of everyday life - only the easy way is excluded.
As for physical intimacy, yes it expresses your deep self - if you take the time to show that it is about more than just the physical. There is no better way to demonsrate that than 12 days of just being a great spouse.
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i just want to know what is the disadvantage when a couple were intimate when they were separated. how do it affect them.shalom
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if they were intimate at a time of nida, then they need a proper teshuva to repair the damage to their own souls and to the souls they brought into the world at that time. According to the kabbala, every union brings souls into the world--just that those souls may not be born into physical bodies.
The teshuva is to study the laws of nida and keep them--and to inspire others to keep them as well.
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