Because one in two marriages ends in divorce in this country, Deborah believes
there ought to be more research explaining why.
She begins to read an article entitled, "Will Your Marriage Last?"
According to this recent study, "it is the loss of affection, not the
emergence of interpersonal issues, that sets couples on the path towards
divorce."
Couples who remained happily married, "showed less ambivalence, expressed
negative feelings less often, and viewed their mate more positively than other
couples. Most important, these feelings remained stable over time."
How about those couples whose marriages ended in divorce?
There was a "loss of intimacy" in the sense that when people first become
close "they feel a tremendous sense of validation from each other, like their
partner is the only other person who sees things as they do." The experience of
the 56 couples who divorced, however, was that this sense of intimacy and
specialness to each other was lost. "This loss sent the relationship into a
downward spiral, leading to increased bickering and fighting and to the collapse
of the union."
How was intimacy cultivated?
From the examples cited of successful relationships, it was through all the
"little things" in day-to-day life: spending time together, complimenting each
other, small gifts, thoughtful comments or acts that showed that you were
thinking of your spouse, that he/she meant so much to you.
Intimacy was overwhelmingly built by the "gestures" of love or affection,
those little actions or words that were repeated regularly in the everyday
interaction of couples. These "small" things ensured that one's spouse
understood how much he or she was cared for.
And it will be, because you will heed these ordinances and keep them
and perform, that God will keep for you the covenant and the kindness
that He swore to your forefathers.
And He will love you and bless you and multiply you... (Deuteronomy 7:12-13)
Rashi: "And it will be, because you will heed." Eikev, the Hebrew word
for "because," literally means "heel." If you will heed the
minor commandments which one [usually]
tramples with his heels [i.e., which a person treats as being of minor importance].
The Torah is telling us to be equally diligent with all of G-d's
commandments, no less with those that seem less significant to our minds and
that might be easily ignored. It is warning us against a mindset that says that
"big" mitzvot must be kept diligently, while "little" mitzvot can be
overlooked.
In our "marriage" relationship with G-d, we might make time for the big,
important occasions--the holy days of the year, or holy moments of prayer or
study. These "head" mitzvot ensure a sense of Jewish pride or identity and make
us feel like an significant partner in this relationship. But what about the
seemingly minor "heel" mitzvot, those relating to the everyday routine of our
lives? Can these small things really have any significant effect?
The basis of our relationship with G-d, says the Torah, is that every mitzvah
connects us with our supernal Spouse. Mitzvot, which means "connections," are
the hundreds of small connections that build intimacy. Every mitzvah unites us
with G-d, irrespective of any perceived difference between major, "head"
mitzvot, or minor "heel" ones.
The word eikev, our Sages tell us, also alludes to ikvata
d'meshichah, the generation of "the heels of Moshiach." This is a reference
to the last generation of the Exile, which is called "the heels of Moshiach"
because like the heel, we are spiritually the lowest generation, in which the
darkness of exile is most intense and we are most removed from spirituality and
holiness. But it is in this generation that the footsteps--heels--of Moshiach
can already be heard.
This is the generation that will "hearken to these laws." During this
darkened time it is particularly important to be especially attuned to the
"small" acts, these little "gestures."
Our relationship with G-d began much like a dynamic courtship with a magnetic
pull and attraction to Him. We, the Jewish people, were "infatuated" with G-d, with
His power and might in freeing us from our Egyptian exile and with His
overwhelming loftiness in presenting us with His Torah.
But, then, like in a marriage, with our continuing familiarity, we let down
our guard. There was "a loss of the initial levels of love and affection"
resulting in increased "bickering and fighting" that sent the relationship into
a downward spiral. Perhaps we became less sensitive to His wants and wishes than
we had been in the past, and our behavior no longer reflected the same nuances of
care as in previous generations.
But it is particularly in the darkness of our exile, in a time when the
relationship is stressed and when our spiritual prowess is on the wane, that we
most must focus on keeping the intimate connection, through the daily gestures
of our married life.
When mitzvot are performed because we are working on keeping our relationship
with G-d intimate, because we understand that these are G-d's wishes, then the
"heel" mitzvot will not be neglected but rather performed with the same
enthusiasm as the "head" mitzvot, because ultimately, they are both the wish of
G-d.
Because, like a spouse who takes care to focus on the small "gestures" in the
relationship, we are sending a strong message. We are saying: I will take time
out of my schedule to take care of your every "small" desire because,
ultimately, this relationship is the most meaningful thing in my life.
And G-d, too, will reciprocate, and He will love you and bless you and
multiply you...
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