Our relationships with our parents don't need to be as complicated as we might make them...
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Believe it or not, there is a wisdom higher than our human wisdom. There is a way that seems right to people but the end thereof is death. Aren't we our own worst enemy if we choose to hold on to anger and hurt? Doesn't blame simply prolong the abuse? Keep it alive in the present moment? There comes a time in life when we are called to accept that people do the best they can with what they know, even our parents. Everyone deserves but no one gets perfect parents. Some parents are very wounded people who need healing and help. Forgiveness is the pathway to freedom. It opens the door to healing and light. Forgiveness prepares our hearts to receive joy unspeakable and full of glory in G-d's presence. As for me, I choose to follow His higher ways and to be obedient to His laws. You see, I now understand that G-d wants to redeem every abusive childhood. Praise His holy name, He has redeemed mine and if you let Him, He will redeem yours. Shalom.
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I think if we leave the matter of "honoring" parents for the sake of fulfilling the law-and simply to that-many posters like myself, feel "slighted". I think we should "honor" parents not just for following the commandment but because honoring them truly is best for US. To honor one's parents INSPITE of their abuse (if such was the case) has so many implications for the good that transcend our own reality. If one can become a healthy, loving human being despite of not being led in that way by one's own parents means that one is truly capable of following a torah lifestyle. The reason for "honoring" is beyond me, it transcends me but that's why its such a good idea.
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I find Portland's comments to be correct. I find Brooklyn's comments out of date. What was good in the desert or middle ages is not to be taken as proper today. Adding ' fear ' of parents to honor parents is disgusting. No child should ever have to ' fear ' a parent, no matter how many Talmudic sources there are. Torah is organic. Some interpretations of Torah law have to move with the times. ' Don't judge anyone until you have walked in their shoes ' may not be in Torah but it is a universal truth. Some parents are horrid. I don't care to honor them until they reach their final damnation in the World to Come. To honor them as procreators is hardly an honor. Some of these parents would feel honor as further justification for their abuse.
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Rabbi Friedman,
Your teachings to continue 'honoring' parents despite their parental mistakes or failures really needs to be put into context if there is any context to your thoughts. For myself, who experienced living or rather surviving in a secular Jewish dysfunctional family with ongoing years of daily abuse and neglect your words are monstrous. Most adult parents can procreate and give birth yet not all give their offspring life.
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See Talmud Kidushin P. 32 and Rambam Shoftim, Hilchos Mamrim Chapter 6 Halacha 7, the extent of honoring and fearing one's parents even if the parent is abusive. The Rambam concludes that one must do so, even if it is difficult, to fulfil the commandment of G-d.
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For me, there is only one question for guidance as/when necessary, parental or otherwise: Is what I am doing put a smile on G-d's face ?
I am not in clinical social work nor do i have any idea what they currently preach. What's popular today is of minor interest to me when it comes to parenting. I learned from my parents because they provided honest responsible loving care and support to all their siblings. Can this ever be out of date ?
Rabbi Tzvi is amazing. Whether he agrees with me on parenting or not is immaterial. I would respect his view. If we disagree, the honorable thing to do is to agree to disagree. The Torah is full of opposing commentaries. One must be careful not to accept the popular or majority opinion. Such references do not make them right.
As for deeming my approach to this heartfelt topic from logic, that is mistaken.The percentages quoted are not based on empirical data. So let me rephrase. Why do we need clinical social workers when it comes to parenting ?
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forgive but never forget. if a child is made to feel as if they are worthless and useless because they were continuously told these things and at the end of adolescence had thoughts of taking one's own life due to such torture. as long as you can honor the fact that you were not aborted before conception, this is the only way to survive. honor that your parents are human and did not have the knowledge to pass on to the child the feelings that were needed to create a feeling of honor within the child. honor is what G-d asks for and so this may be the ONLY reason for doing so, the only one! sometimes it is all that is left.
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It seems you're coming at this very logically anonymous. I am in graduate school for clinical social work and what your saying is the popular ideas in school now. But that doens't mean it's right. I would really like Rabbi Friedman to answer this quandry. He put it out there, let him back it up. whatever Torah says is emes, and the problems of the world Torah knows how to address, period. But what was posted, with all due respect (the Rabbi is amazing..) may or may not be in line with Torah.
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What wisdom is expressed by Rabbi Friedman! All parents are flawed. My mother was controlling and emotionally abusive, but I still honored her as my mother. She had many wonderful qualities and I loved her dearly. My father was an angry man and emotionally and physically abusive but I still honored him as my father. He was a wonderful man in many ways and I loved him dearly. Both my parents are deceased now but I continue to honor their memory. More and more I remember what was good about them and I think of them with gratitude in my heart. I loved them while they lived and love them perhaps even more in death. I choose to honor them. This is one way I honor G-d.
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Thank you for this great video.
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