Is It Okay to Wish That Your Parents Die?
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Question:
Let's say I desire that somebody not live anymore, G‑d forbid. Let's say this somebody is a parent. But I don't take any action in this direction. I mean, I just keep acting in the interest of the well-being and health of this person, but simply desire that this person not live anymore. Is that a sin?
Response:
No, it is not a sin. Sinning isn't so easy. You can't sin with your feelings. You have to either do something, say something or at the very least willfully ponder something in order to sin.
If I feel I want to eat pork, that's not good enough--I am still not sinning until I at least start making the plans to get hold of some. If I feel I want to commit adultery, I am also not sinning. At the very least I would have to make some plans, or allow my mind to contemplate the idea. So, too, if I don't want someone to live, that is not a sin--as long as I don't willfully do anything that provides that feeling tangible expression. It's just a feeling, and in many cases, it may be a very natural feeling.
Nevertheless, it's not nice. You can't chastise yourself for it, because, well, that's the way you feel and you don't have direct control over your feelings. But if you stop thinking about those feelings--just distract your mind every time it comes up--and you don't speak about them, and you do things that are just the opposite, meaning you do good things for your parents--then the feelings will eventually disappear as though they never were.
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Latest Comments:
Coveting is not just a feeling--it's a thought. If you don't think about all the nice things the other guy has and why they're better than what you've got, you won't covet it.
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The article says "You can't sin with your feelings".
What about the commandment not to covet?
How is coveting not sinning with your feelings?
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Did wish she would die. She was abusive and nearly killed me a couple of times. She was also filled with hate, bitterness, and contempt for "unclean" (handicapped or mentally challenged) people. She had racial names for every race on this planet, including our own Jews. She hated and blamed me for all her problems in life, and said often she wished I were dead and had never been born. Yet, I was always kind to her, no matter how I felt. When she was in a screaming mode, I just went into my bedroom and read the encyclopedias from A-Z. In her end days, I was the only sibling who went to take care of her, groom her and talk to her with encouragement. Her last words were, "I love you", and that totally brought forgiveness in my heart toward her. Of course, I put the words in her mouth as she was out of it from morphine, but still, she said them. I needed to hear that. Now, my conscience is clear.
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I have a totally different take on this. There are people who, if they would ask a Rabbi, would be told that they are not bound by the laws of Honor thy parent, that being usually in an abusive situation where one's health is at stake. This must be decided upon by a rabbi after knowing all the details involved.
Additionally, thoughts are normal, they are USUALLY passing thoughts. It appears above, that it is more than that. Vent out your feelings on paper or to a dear and trusting friend. Figure out if perhaps you're taking on more responsibilities than necessary, if that is the case stop.
Lastly, some individuals are so sensitive, they actually are picking up on others' feelings. A difficult to deal with parent, is usually the cause for the child's unhappiness, even a mature adult child. As a result, the anger and vice the PARENT holds against their own parent, ob'm, might be felt by the child as if it's their own, because the 'ill' parent is throwing it out to survive.
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How many times does ANY sin begin in the heart? Genesis 6:5 The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. Sinning is the easiest thing in the world.
But on the positive side you always have the opportunity to repent on a daily basis and renew your mind for G-d. One of the functions of the LAW was to show us our sin and how much we depend on the Mercy and love of our LORD. Do I say self-mutilate when you sin? Do I say degrade yourself and that he who sins is destined to the place reffered to in Isaiah 66:24? NO! Recognize your sin, turn your back on it and seek out G-d all the more.
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"All a person's days," we are taught, "should be spent in teshuva." True, as soon as you return and resolve to do good, all is forgiven. But at every step in life, you are growing, spiritually. Now, at this point in life, what was acceptable, even good, is no longer fitting.
What is teshuva? Simply the harnessing of remorse into good deeds.
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It's not just that we are human. We have so many opposing drives and personalities within us. A part of us can think of nothing but food, sleep and other physical pleasures. Another personality within us is ever-reacting with exaggerated emotions to whatever stimuli hit our senses. Our mind is struggling to look at everything rationally. while yet deeper within, a G-dly soul grasps for some small opportunity for its own expression.
So, if you have these feelings, do not blame yourself for being lowly. One part of you is lowly--and that's to be expected. As long as you can keep the higher aspects of your personality in control, you are doing the best you can.
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Thank you, Rabbi for the explanation from Tanya Chapter 27.
The guilt of wishing my mother would pass left me feeling very low and evil.
I realize that I am a human being and pray before I see her in the nursing home. This helps me to enjoy her for what she is and be grateful that I still can talk to her and show her how much I love her.
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thank you Rabbi Freeman for your clarification of the Tanya statement. That does make sense.
My older brother and I used to vent to each other @ our Mother. As I learned more @ Honoring your parents and the laws of lashon hara I started trying to soften the talk and change the subject to something positive and good @ her. My Mother was known as having an extremely difficult personality.
Last year my Brother died suddenly and three weeks later, my Mother died suddenly.
I desparately wish I could take back all of the speech we had @ her. I don't know what it all means in the cosmic scheme, and I will never know. I do have guilt about our conversations, thank G-d not crippling. I definitely had a wake-up call after their deaths My Mothers death has some sense to it. She was 84 and died of heartbreak, w/o her son.
My Brothers death has no meaning for me. He was young and had so much left to do in life. That venting is over,I want to know mom forgives me. any thoughts Rabbi?
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Once again, that statement, that the thought of a sin is harsher than a sin, is only speaking of someone who accepts the thought willfully. But if you ignore the thought each time it arises and choose to think of something else, you have not sinned. On the contrary, you've done a great mitzvah. See Tanya chapter 27.
Those who demand that you should never have such thoughts or feelings, and tell you that you are evil because of how you feel and because of what arises in your mind--they are only magnifying the crippling guilt that holds so many people in their rut. The first step to rising higher is to recognize that we are human beings, not angels.
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