How do we explain to our children corruption, hypocrisy, deception – and all the dissonance pervading the adult world? What should we say to our little ones when they are exposed, for the first time, to immoral educators, abusive parents, religious corruption and the basic inconsistencies they witness when supposedly good people behave in bad ways and when hurt comes from those that are supposed to love us?
Various schools of thoughts suggest different approaches.
Most agree that there is no need to initiate the subject with children until they broach it with us. Though there are those that suggest we do pre-empt the issue before children are faced with the quandary.
"What's the point of telling them about the deceptive world when they will learn about it on their own?"Some argue that we should simply tell children the truth: We live in a cruel and hostile world, filled with selfish people, and humans are simply duplicitous by nature. According to this approach, children are simply naïve, and when the time comes for them to grow up – when they first experience a lie – the time has come to "welcome" them into the spurious adult community of liars and hypocrites. "Lies My Father Told Me" was a popular film that captured the common attitude that adults lie to their children.
Within this approach, there are those that go as far as to say that the earlier we wake up children to the harsh "realities" of life the better it is. Let them not live in delusion about the human capacity to harm one another.
At the other extreme are those that suggest we should simply ignore the issue and avoid answering our children's questions and addressing their confusion. "What's the point of telling them about the deceptive world," the argument goes, "when they will learn about it on their own?" Let children discover through their own experiences the contradictions of life, and adapt accordingly.
Then there are those that posit an approach of… lying to our children about the liars of the world. As ironic as that sounds, this philosophy (if you can even call it that) states that when out children come to us with questions about cheating clergy or corrupt educators, we should minimize the issue by telling them that in every community there are a few "bad apples," who should not be allowed to stigmatize the entire community. We should weaken the blow to our children's systems and blunt their disappointment by downplaying the problem.
As you can imagine, I am not about to accept any of these three tactics. The Torah approach – which I will try to convey in this column – rejects all these three perspectives.
Lying to our children, even in the name of protecting them, is not a healthy option. Obviously, we don't have to go ahead and tell our children the raw truth about every tragedy in life; but withholding information until a person is mature enough to assimilate it, is a far cry from outright deception.
All the most powerful breakthroughs and revolutions come from people who did not succumb to the status quoOn the other hand, bluntly telling our children about the cruelty and duplicity of people can be quite terrifying, and does not necessarily prepare them for coping with this quandary. Is there any benefit in destroying children's idealistic view of life by explaining that all humans are selfish and warning our children to always be wary and on guard?! A strong case can be made that this "realism" is actually quite damaging to human growth. Without idealism, without the ability to dream and aspire, without hope, without enchantment and free abandon, what type of people would we be?!
Our greatest achievements come from our childish purity, virtue and innocence. When coupled with the seasoning and experience of adulthood – the combination of maturity and vulnerability, of wisdom and fascination is one of the most potent forces in life. All the most powerful breakthroughs and revolutions come from people who did not succumb to the status quo, who did not accept that everything is corruptible, who believed in themselves and in others.
Is that what we want to take from our children, by overwhelming them with the fear and hesitation that comes from knowing that all our heroes are cheaters, and that all the people we respect will ultimately disappoint us?!
A friend of mine proudly shared with me recently how he finally broke the news to his child that he should never trust anyone. "I always waited for the day that can share that truth with my child," he told me, "now he will never be hurt and disappointed due to unmet expectations." Knowing how my friend was hurt by people he trusted his attitude was understandable. But he was absolutely wrong. And I told him as much. He was wrong, because as painful as it is to be hurt by people you trust, it is even more painful to never allowing yourself to find someone you can trust.
Where will there ever be room for love, true intimate love, if we all are taught that all people are unfaithful – either in actuality or in potential – and that we should therefore always have our defenses up and keep a "back door open" in case wee need to escape?!
What is the role of parents and educators if not to address the conflicts of a growing childSo the first and last options are unacceptable. As is the middle option of simply ignoring and avoiding the issue. What benefit is served by not answering our children's concerns? Is it better that they find the answers in the street, on TV or in places that we would rather not even mention?
What is the role of parents and educators if not to address the conflicts of a growing child facing life's paradoxes – with the ultimate paradox of good people behaving badly, and the struggle of preserving one's integrity amidst those that do not, of being a good person amongst selfish neighbors?
Is there a more important question to be answered than the one emerging from innocence colliding with deviousness, honesty confronting deceit, seamlessness meeting duplicity?
Before we address the Torah's approach, one vital introduction is necessary. And that is about the very nature of human beings.
If we humans are truly selfish "brutes" at heart who have merely evolved into intelligent creatures, then taking this to the logical conclusion, people will do whatever it takes, cheat, lie, betray, to get what they want.
This, in essence, is the prevailing contemporary theory on human personality – one which we shall term the "Darwinian-Freudian model." The cardinal rule that drives all creatures, including humans, is "survival of the fittest." The "id" is the inherent selfish force within each of us, the primal, unconscious source for satisfying all mans' basic needs and feelings. It has only one rule: The "pleasure principle" - I want it and I want it all now. The id wants whatever feels good at the time, with no consideration for the reality of the situation or the good of others. Yet, we have developed the rational "ego" and "super-ego" which superimposes itself on the unbridled id. The ego's job is to get the id's pleasures but to be reasonable and bear the long-term consequences in mind. In Freud's words: the human personality is "...basically a battlefield. He is a dark-cellar in which a well-bred spinster lady (the superego) and a sex-crazed monkey (the id) are forever engaged in mortal combat, the struggle being refereed by a rather nervous bank clerk (the ego)."
We see them as naïve and simple, and at best, we hope that they won't be exposed to the "true" secretBased on this human model, we inevitably have to face the depressing reality that all people are capable at anytime to stoop to duplicity if it serves their self-interest. What then do we do with young, innocent children who are not yet aware of this "sophisticated" fact? We see them as naïve and simple, and at best, we hope that they won't be exposed to the "true" secret of life – the "truth" that people are just untruthful and untrustworthy…
Well, I am happy to share with you that there is "another" approach – one that is diametrically and unequivocally opposite of the one you just read. It is based on the Torah's human model, which sees us as fundamentally as people created in the "Divine Image." We are first and foremost, and at heart, not brutes or beasts, but souls and spirits. Yet each of our souls was sent down into a material world, dressed up in a physical body, with corporeal needs.
The soul's radical and dramatic descent from sublime heights to decadent depths – which in itself is an elaborate study in Kabbalistic and Chassidic literature – creates the first and most powerful dissonance, which will bear all other forms of dissonance in our lives, from the mildest to the most extreme forms.
We thus have two perpetual voices within us: The voice of the Divine soul aspiring to a selfless life of virtue, and the voice of the selfish body seeking to meet its needs; the subtle voice of the spirit in search for higher meaning and purpose, and the voice of the material desperate for survival and immediate comforts
We thus also have a lifelong conflict: Which voice will prevail?
Above all – and this is the most fascinating and empowering fact – precisely this battle between soul and body is the purpose of our existence. Each of us has been charged with the mission and the resources to overcome the selfish temptations and allow our souls to direct our bodies, rather than the other way around.
We were given duplicity in our existence in order for us to overcome itAnd this is our ultimate response to dissonance – in all its shapes and configurations: We were given duplicity in our existence in order for us to overcome it, and transform it into a force toward unity.
Based on this human model, how do we look at our innocent children? As vast reservoirs of truth! Of all people on this earth children, as vulnerable, pure creatures that they are, still retain and carry the secret "truth" of existence: Beneath the dissonant; dishonest surface lays profound unity and seamlessness, waiting to be released.
A pure soul manifested in a selfish body is the conflict and purpose of our lives. Armed with this attitude, we have a most powerful – can we say eloquent, under the circumstances? – response to the questions our children ask about corruption and deception in all its manifestations.
When the day comes that our children are old enough to be confused by the dissonance around us, and they approach us with their questions, here are some words that we can offer. Perhaps it's best to phrase it in a letter form:
My Dear Child,
As pure and delicate as your precious soul is, I want to share with you an important – maybe the most important – thing that you will ever hear in your life; it may be a bit painful, but above all it is empowering.
G‑d sent you and I, and everyone in this world, down to a not-so-nice world. A universe where G‑d's presence is concealed, and G‑d's plan for us is not easily seen. In this type of world, it is not difficult for people to wander away from what they were charged to do. Instead of pursuing virtue and kindness, we can sometimes get distracted by our own needs and interests. Instead of fulfilling the "operators' manual" for life which G‑d gave us, we can get busy with other side attractions.
But, please know, my dearest child, this is exactly what G‑d intended. He gave us a challenge. Will we follow our hearts' desires and satisfy our immediate needs, or will we see through the concealment and live up to our true selves? Will we be fooled and seduced by the darkness, or will we bring in light and warmth? Will we ignore everyone around us, or will we work on inspiring everyone we meet?
G‑d entrusted us with His world. And gave us this choice. Every moment of our lives we will be confronted with this choice. As children, the struggle may take on the shape of how we share or don't share with our friends. As adults the conflict takes on other forms.
Sadly, people often succumb to their baser instincts and do things that is not consistent with their souls. Sometimes they may even know that they are doing things that are inconsistent with their own values. All of us have a selfish inclination; none of us are immune to these inconsistencies.
Always know that just because others have fallen, you don't have toBut always know that just because others have fallen, you don't have to. Always remember that you have the power to rise to the occasion and live up to your soul's highest aspirations. And you have the ability to also help lift others who may have fallen.
As a child, you have something to give us adults that we desperately need: hope. You give us trust, beauty, innocence – and we in turn want to give you love and nurturing, strength and power to use your purity to conquer the world with spirit and soul.
"The hearts of the parents will return through the children," the prophet tells us. But we adults and parents have to allow our children in. This also refers to the "inner child" within each of us. Never allow it to be extinguished.