The Magic Chip

We have gained many rewards as a result of our new way of living. But what have we lost? I have lost much of my fear. It used to control me; it was my master. It paralyzed my efforts. Fear always got me down. It made me an introvert, an ingrown person. When fear was replaced by faith, I got well. - 24 Hours a Day, Nov. 5th

I never heard the word "ingrown" used before, except for a toenail. And that's something that hurts a lot. It's something we want to get rid of, and often need to visit a doctor to help us do this. Personally, before I started working my Twelve Step program, I never thought of myself as being fearful. Who, me? I was tough. I could stand up to things, and few people could stand up to me. Few people wanted to try to do so; and if they did, they soon "learned their lesson."

Then I began doing all the soul-searching that we do in this program. In came the honesty, where I had to face things head on. I had to look at myself and my life, and the things I was doing; I learned not to hide or shirk from this.

Guess what I found there? I found that I was so afraid of things, of life, of G-d, of myself, that all this toughness was just a "front." Inside, I was like a soft-boiled egg, hiding under a hard shell. And what was all that bluster and bravado? It was this fear that someone might try to crack that shell, and all the goo would trickle out, exposing me to the world. Whew! What an image! Not so different from that ingrown toenail, huh?

So, back to this reading: Where did all that fear go? It was replaced by faith in a Higher Power, faith that G-d is in charge, running the whole show, and taking care of all the details. I don't have to be afraid of "losing it", or "messing up", or "ruining everything." My little part of the puzzle -- my job in this whole thing, which is in my power to control -- is still part of the whole plan. He lets me have some control over my own actions, but even these are taken into account in the whole picture.

And, what about all that goo inside of me? All those faults and failures, character defects and issues? Well, they're not so different from yours or anyone else's. They are just my "challenges" -- and as long as I try my best to work with them, I am doing my part. Once we start hearing other people's stories (like we do at every single Twelve Step meeting), then we find out that we're really all the same in our struggles. We find that we all deal with a lot of the same things. It's our responses that sometimes set us apart from each other. Also, the things that are "major" to one person might be "minor" to another, and vice versa. So we can't really judge anyone else or their reactions to their own life's challenges. We each need to focus on our own stuff, and work with it as best as we are able.

Bringing a Higher Power (or G-d, or whatever name you use to refer to Him) into the picture is that "magic chip" that changes the whole way we look at and deal with things. Once we can trust, believe, and have faith (which are all slightly different), then we have no more need for fear. As the program teaches us, "Fear and Faith are mutually exclusive." Faith chases away the fear, and leaves a nice vacuum in its place. This creates room for all sorts of good things to jump in instead.

So, yeah, the "ingrown person" has left -- taking the fear along with it. And now, I am much better than I was in the old days. I’m recovering, one day at a time.