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How do I find a match for my daughter?

How do I find a match for my daughter?

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Question:

My daughter is living in NY for 3 years she works and is very happy, (works for very religious people) but she didnt get married yet. What should I do?

Answer:

It's good that your daughter is working for religious people and is happy. Has she approached her employers about keeping an eye out for her for a proper shidduch?

A few more suggestions:

  1. A buzzword in the financial world: networking. Consider your daughter a highly desirable commodity. Network with people you know. Tell your rabbi, members of your synagogue, co-workers, family and friends that she wants to get married. Maybe they know a cousin, a friend, a neighbor, a business contact to whom they can introduce her. Ask them to keep their eyes and ears open for any eligible prospects. Practically speaking -encourage her to look her best before she goes out on a date. Stress to her the importance of being pleasant and friendly even if she feels the man is not for her. You never know – he might have a friend…
  2. Part of marketing: there are a number of matchmaking websites out there that are reliable, and that have produced many matches. I can recommend Mitmazel.com, sawyouatsinai.com, and frumster.com. Check them out. Your daughter has nothing to lose, and a partner to gain.
  3. On the spiritual side: a couple of mitzvot can’t hurt. Specifically, charity to help poor brides get married – either here or in Israel. If there’s no organization of the kind in your community, I can recommend Ten Yad (www.tenyad.org) in New York. They really do wonderful work, and they do it sensitively and graciously.
  4. The Mincha – afternoon – prayer is especially associated with finding a match. Daven Mincha for your daughter, and let her do it herself as often as possible (only once a day, please). If you are the mother, the most propitious time for prayers is when you light the Shabbat candles. Make sure to light eighteen minutes before sunset and to put at least a few coins in a charity box before lighting. Then, once you’ve lit, say a prayer from your heart for your daughter.
  5. It never hurts to get some saintly intervention. It is an ancient Jewish custom to ask tzaddikim – holy men – (both living and those who have passed on) for a blessing. You or your daughter can ask a blessing of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, OBM, by either faxing or emailing the office at the Ohel (the Rebbe's resting place): fax number -(718) 723-4444; email address - ohel@ohelchabad.org. Any letter that you send will be read on your behalf there, and there is no charge for the service. Of course, if you are near the New York tri-state area, you can visit the Ohel yourself. All the info you need is at www.chabad.org/ohel.

Good luck, and may we hear good news soon.

Chaya Sarah Silberberg

Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbetzin of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org’s Ask the Rabbi service.
All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.
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Discussion (8)
March 11, 2014
another suggestion, leave her alone, she'll get married if/when she wants to.
Clint
Scranton
January 6, 2011
I found it very helpful.
Anonymous
Cambria Heights
December 5, 2008
To Richard
If you begin a comment with insults it can be difficult to see the truth in your words. It's like slamming a door in your neighbor's face and then saying "hello". It is good that you are concerned with the wishes of the daughter, but I think you may have just read the first page and guessed the rest, as you have said. Considering what "very religious" would mean to someone who seeks answers from a rebbitzen, I believe that the daughter's willful employment implies that she does desire a husband. I don't think that a woman who wishes to remain single would be comfortable working for such people. I also don't believe parents would go through much effort to find a husband for their daughter if they knew that even the perfect match would be turned down.
Davy
Kansas City, MO
November 27, 2008
Typical Chabad answer
Aside from the atrocious syntax and orthography that passes for English among many Orthodox Jews, the original question - and the answer - are burdened by the same fundamental flaw: they completely ignore the woman at every level.

For starters, we don't know if she is even trying to find a partner. The answer assumes that she has been unsuccessful , and a series of cures is prescribed without knowing if there is a problem! Is she a lovelorn 40-year-old who has not had success dating, or is she 21 years old and new to the dating scene? Is she dating at all? Has she already been turned off by pushy shadchans or bad dates? Is she an introvert by nature, or does she have a large social circle?

Apparently, none of this matters. Why bother reading a book when you can just read the first page and then guess what the middle and end are all about?

Here's my advice: sit down with your daughter and have an honest talk about what SHE wants out of life.
Richard
San Francisco, CA
October 19, 2008
One point that seems to be missed in suggestion 1. Has the girl concerned been asked "if she wishes to get married"? Or is that of no concern? It seems to be assumed. In addition, although she may work for very religious people, are they very religious JEWISH people?? They too may not be concerned. After all, they pay her to work, not to get married. I do understand the importance of the issue but perhaps the girl is not as religious as her parents and/or isn't interested in the traditional marriage scenario.

I'm merely pointing out that insufficient information seems to have been given for any meaningful answer.
Anonymous
london, UK
September 2, 2008
Thank you for the advice. I am almost 27, just starting to become observant, and now I am going to add praying Mincha to my daily ritual. Hopefully I will soon marry my bashert.
chaya rivka
August 29, 2008
shidduch
My daughter will be 20, G-d willing, in a few weeks. We have been looking since she came home from seminary. We have been networking. Maybe you know someone?
Anonymous
Coral Springs, Fl
August 28, 2008
Age also matters
How old is your daughter? If she is in her early 20's then you have very little to worry about. I've noticed alot of people getting married in there mid to late 20's. If she's in her 30's then it's a bit tougher, but then again, I know a few good people that might work out for her.
Anonymous
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