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I want to convert to Judaism but I have a non-Jewish boyfriend...


By Bronya Shaffer

Question:

I have been studying Judaism for a number of years and have spoken to my rabbi about my choice to convert. Everything was going well until my rabbi found out I was dating a non-Jew. My rabbi was quite concerned and pretty much halted any encouragement to continue my education and such. I've spoken with my boyfriend about conversion but he doesn't seem to have the passion for Judaism as I do. Judaism has been a part of my life longer than my boyfriend. Is there any way I can make everyone happy, particularly myself?

Answer:

Yes, there most certainly is a way for you, and everyone around you, to be happy. But you need to make a choice. And, you needn't make that choice right now. Your love of Judaism doesn't necessarily require you to convert; perhaps your boyfriend is a gift from G‑d to make you think this through from a different perspective. One thing is certain, you cannot be Jewish and having a relationship with a non-Jew. But, you are not Jewish. And needn't ever be.

My best advice to you is the following:

Pursue and explore this relationship with your boyfriend. Don't encourage him to convert—that's not what it's about. Do encourage this relationship and see where it leads you. If this man is your destined soul mate, then you will know it, and you will establish a home together, built on much that you've learned from your study of Judaism. If, however, you'll find that you are compelled from your innermost soul to convert to Judaism, then you will make that decision.

For now...give it time....see what paths G‑d has opened for you.

Wishing you all the best,

Bronya Shaffer for Chabad.org
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By Bronya Shaffer   More articles...  |   RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Mrs. Bronya Shaffer is a noted globetrotting lecturer on Jewish women's issues, and serves as a personal counselor and mentor for women, couples and adolescents. Mrs. Shaffer, a responder for Chabad.org’s Ask the Rabbi service, lives with her ten children in Crown Heights, Brooklyn.
All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

The content on this page is copyrighted by the author, publisher and/or Chabad.org, and is produced by Chabad.org. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with the copyright policy.
 

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Reader Comments
Latest Comments:
Posted: Aug 1, 2010
Gift or test?
Could the non-jewish boyfriend be a test from G-d instead of a gift from G-d? In order to test the "jewishness" of the lady who wants to "convert"?
Posted By Amel

Posted: Oct 11, 2009
why is it so hard to convert to Judaism?
seems like all other religions are relatively easy... exam etc etc????
Posted By shanaz, Los Angeles , CA

Posted: June 30, 2009
There's no mitzvah for non-Jews to become Jewish
In contrast to nearly every other religion that has existed, Judaism does not proselytize. The notion is that there are many unique parts to the universe, each with their own unique role and function towards the ultimate mission of reveaing G-dliness in the world cultimating in the revealation of the messiah. G-d created humankind in general to keep the 7 Noachide laws to make the world into a civilized place where it is even possible for G-dliness to be revealed in it. Jews were "chosen" among all other nations to perform the specialized tasks of the 613 mitzvot. Only Jews are required to observe these commandments. This can be readily understood through an analogy: one may have two different children who each have their own unique talents and gifts. It would be quite improper for one to demand exactly the same things in the many aspects of their life. Rather one should utilize each child's distinct abilities in the most efficient way. One can easily apply this to Jews and non-Jews.
Posted By Yehoshua, NJ

Posted: June 30, 2009
Why would anyone want to become Jewish, anyway?
It's a hard life. Christians think that the Jews are G-d's chosen, meaning we think we are better than they are. So, naturally, they want to be a part of G-d's original family, instead of the "branch" that is "grafted in". Someone who WANTS to take upon themselves the letter of the law in the Torah usually would NOT want to be around people who talk BADLY about us on Easter, etc. Strange.
Posted By Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell, Riverside, CA
via jewishriverside.com

Posted: June 29, 2009
What a great answer!
The answer truly exemplifies how Judaism is a serious thing that demands wholehearted commitment, and not just a convenient social tag so one can join a synagogue. If one truly believes in something they should aspire to pursue it in its entirety.
It is unfortunate how many view a "conversion" through a reform or conservative as viable. More often than not they cause much more grief and suffering as the person pursues Judaism more and discovers they are not accepted as a Jew outside of reform and conservative circles.
Posted By Yehoshua

Posted: Apr 24, 2009
What a bad answer!
This girl should go to a REFORM, less Orthodox place like a Jewish "Temple", such as Temple Beth El, etc., where the rules aren't as strict and where you can still convert. She doesn't have to make a choice IF HER BOYFRIEND is on board with her decision. Why create dissension in a relationship? Again, it all depends if he is on board. She won't be able to convert into an ORTHODOX synagogue or Chabad if she MARRIES her boyfriend.
Posted By Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell, Riverside, CA
via jewishriverside.com

Posted: Sep 25, 2008
from a teacher
i teach too many interfaith children who are too confused. it has made me very bias toward interfaith marriage. i think it is the worst thing to do to children and to the Jewish faith. i am a convert. i was dating a non jew when i converted. i am not with him anymore. he was the last non jew i dated.
my SO now is jewish, not an observant jew but jewish. i have made him a bit more observant and i have made him love who he is by wanting to be the same.
my children will be jewish from both their mother and father. they will wear tzitzit and wrap tifilin.
all the matriarchs were converts. back then there were no "conversion" rules but there are now and i respect them and welcome them. people must truely want this. and its worth it all the way.
i agree with those who say religion first and love will follow it has worked for me. i am reminded of this everyday i spend with my boyfriend and everyday i spend teaching Torah and Hebrew.
Posted By sarah, Austin, TX

Posted: Aug 8, 2008
Ralph, a question(s) for you:
How does a married couple never discuss Politics, Religion, and sex?

Answer: If they are already of the same mind on these matters.

The only other way is if they leave these things outside of their marriage.

That's possible with politics; but religion and sex???!!!

Without religion and sex what does bind a married couple?

Wait a moment, before you say love is the answer, ask yourself this:

What about all the marriages that started with love that didn't stand the test of time?

The fact is most intermarriages don't make it.

Ralph, do you know how observant ('Orthodox') Jews approach marriage?

Perhaps, Mrs. Shaffer will enlighten us by saying a few words about it here.

Observant Jews consistently are numbered among those who have the lowest divorce rate in the world.

There are good reasons for that.
Posted By Thomas Karp, New Haven, Ct.

Posted: Aug 8, 2008
Hello Again Thomas
Thomas quite honestly there is an old saying perhaps you may have heard. There are three topics folks should never discuss Politics, Religion & sex. I totally hear what you have said in the past and what you are saying now. Faith & Love of G-d is not even in the same ballpark as loving someone. I suppose I am more liberal on interfaith marriage since I have friends where the husband is christian and the mother jewish. The children are raised Jewish and actually one of them just had his Bar Mitzvah. They are Jewish, but read up on christianity as well. I think if you keep your religion and you marry of a different faith, you must keep your religion close to your heart and let G-d interven to sort the rest out. we have differemces Thomas, but I respect you and the ground you stand firm on. Iif nothing else G-d did bring to people of different faiths together to discuss and become online friends I hope. G-d works in mysterious ways. Much Peace, Love & Happiness to you.
Posted By Ralph

Posted: Aug 7, 2008
So what about Abraham?
Wasn't Abraham already married when he converted? Any record of Sarah's conversion in the Torah?

Did G-d not accept his commitment through the Brit? How is it the Beth Din does not accept the same commitment?

I would love to convert to Judaism. I am married to a non-Jewish girl and we have three lovely children.

Does G-d really demand me to divorce my wife and leave my children in disarray rather than accept my act of belief in the Brit? Or do I just accept conversion is not an option if my wife doe not wish to convert?

What was good enough for Abraham, seems good enough for me!
Posted By Stephen, UK



 


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