At the Seder table we are told to do as many different and unusual things as
possible, in order to raise the curiosity of our children and get them to ask
questions. This allows us to engage in a dialogue with them, as it is only
through listening to the questions of our children that we can know their inner
feelings and design our discussions with them accordingly.
If you have more than one child, you'll probably notice that your children
are different. Some children are very talkative and you can find it hard to stop
them from telling you everything that happened to them. Some children are not
talkative at all, and it's very hard for the parent to know what's really
going on in the child's life and mind. As a parent of such a child, we need to
explore the reasons for the child's withdrawal from offering information about
him or herself.
With some children it may be related to a previous negative experience.
Perhaps we had previously listened to them and when they shared what had
happened to them we judged them and said, "You shouldn't have done that."
Or they may have felt that we were not really listening or not really
interested in what they had to say.
Or they may have experienced a lack of confidentiality regarding what they
shared with us.
As a parent, we should aim to build up the confidence in our children so that
they should want to share their inner experiences with us. Because if they do
not feel comfortable sharing it with us, they will look to share it with others.
With a non-talkative child it is a good idea to allocate private time when we
will sit and listen to them. Ask the child open-ended questions like: How was
your day in school? Who are your best friends? Why do you like them more than
others? What was the best thing that happened to you today? What was the worst
thing that happened to you today? Ask for the child's opinions about family or
personal matters.
By listening long enough, making eye contact with the child and continuing to
ask questions, we will learn more about the child's inner feelings and
experiences. And once they share them with us, we have to be very careful not to
judge or criticize them.
I know some parents who utilize the going to sleep time as a listening and
bonding experience. They lie down on the child's bed with their arm around him
or her. They spend time listening and talking to the child about what's going
on in his or her life. These are moments our children will cherish forever.
By the time the children become teenagers, they will be very comfortable
talking to us rather than to strangers.
Some children may be uncomfortable at first to sit down at an official time
to talk to us. We have to be very aware not to hassle and nudge them to talk, so
it will not become a negative experience for them. Just ask casual questions
like, "How was your test today? What did you play at recess?" We could also
ask them, "If you could have anything you want in life, what would be the
three most important things that you would want?" That will tell us what
things are important in our child's life. Slowly but surely we will build up a
rapport with our children so they will become comfortable to sit down to an
"official" talking time.
We need to make sure that the talkative child does not take over the show and
thereby allow the quiet one to withdraw into his or her own thoughts.
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