I want to convert—despite my Jewish boyfriend...
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Question:
I have been dating a Jewish man secretly for several years now. The reason for the secrecy is that I am not Jewish; if his parents found out we were together, they would not approve. My boyfriend has now decided to end the relationship; however, we are both not happy with the situation. We were so happy together. I have never met someone like my boyfriend before... We both talk about getting married yet that would involve me converting to Judaism.
I have read up on everything that is involved in converting and I know it is a long and challenging process. Yet, I'm not happy with who I am right now and I feel as though reaching out to the Torah will help me get through this difficult time and in the end, hopefully be with the boy I love. I know I cannot convert just to marry someone but that's not my reason, I know I will be much happier being a Jew, I am so intrigued and fascinated by the Jewish religion. I want to be able to reach out to spirituality and find out who I am, and I believe that reaching out to the Torah will help me.
I am curious as to what you have to say about my situation. Is it right what I am thinking and leaning towards?
Answer:
You ask if what you're thinking about and leaning towards is "right." Only you can answer whether it's right for you.
Judaism does not encourage converts. Judaism does not believe that all the world must be Jewish. Basic to Jewish belief is that every single human being on the face of this earth must recognize and acknowledge G‑d as Creator of the universe, and to serve Him by acting in a supremely human – i.e. G‑dly – way. But this is for each individual to do in the capacity of his/her own life. For someone born Jewish, the Jewish religion is the path to this service. For someone not born Jewish, the path is the one outlined in the Seven Noahide Laws. There are times, however, when someone not born Jewish feels inexplicably compelled to serve G‑d as a Jew, when one feels the soul's desire to act in Jewish garments. That is when a conversion takes place.
As you are well aware, the relationship between an individual and G‑d is a private and intimate one. Therefore, conversion to Judaism can never be based on a relationship between two people. I applaud you for recognizing this.
My best advice to you would be to continue to pursue and explore your relationship with G‑d. Should you feel at any time that this leads you to the path of Judaism, then you will contact an orthodox rabbi to guide you and instruct you.
In the meantime, it is far, far better for you to be exploring this without the additional emotional complexities of a romantic relationship with a Jewish man.
For more, see an article on this topic from our "Dear Rachel" advice column: Conversion and Marriage.
Wishing you all the best...
Bronya Shaffer for Chabad.org
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Latest Comments:
Conversion is not just about one's personal relationship with G-d. It is also about belonging. Ruth told Naomi, "Your people shall be my people, and your G-d, my G-d." (1:16) G-d created us to be in relation with one another. The hunger to love G-d and to love neighbor is one and the same.
So one meaning of conversion is belonging to a community that lives in covenant with G-d. Evangelism need be nothing more than welcoming the stranger, saying, "Come walk with us, pray and work with us as we follow G-d." Why should it take decades for a ger to feel welcome in a synagogue, to be told "we accept you as you are, you belong to us, and we belong to you"? Our people shall be your people and our G-d your G-d.
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A person is born with or without a Jewish soul. Matter does not convert. It is only through exposing a Jewish soul to the Jewish culture that a soul in exile is cultivated.
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It is surprising that if anyone wants to convert to some other faith, no one should discourage that conversion. However the most important fact as stated by Bronya, is a relationship with G-d Himself.That is the basis of any conversion. Hopefully one who is thinking of conversion will consider that G-d is more important than the actual religion one wants to convert to. It is to G-d we should be converted to!
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I followed Judaism secretly since the age of 18 and converted at age 30. At 30, I could no longer bear to live a hidden life knowing full well inside that I must be a Jewish soul and that somehow my parents were blessed to bring me into the world. I grew tired of hiding Shabbat observance and making excuses for keeping kosher so my family wouldn't suspect. At the time of conversion, I was - and still am - a single woman, and I made my decision just between G-d and me.
Today I am age 49. My family knows that I converted. They are deeply puzzled, but respect my choice and expect me to live up to it fully!
I am still growing and still adding to my observance as well as still seeking opportunities for mitzvot. My greatest daily joy is time for Torah study and prayer.
From personal experience, I can tell you to give the decision ample time to be sure you're ready. If you are truly ready to accept the commandments, you will keep them even in secret - then convert.
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I converted at age 40. I have seen many a would be convert, and I have seen many drop off the course. My question to any person contemplating conversion for Marriage would be:
If your partner disappeared from your life, would you still be 100% committed to being Shomer Mitzvoth?
It means turning your back on everything you knew before, changing who you are on the inside, your whole psyche. If you cannot answer yes with a resounding yes, don't do it. If your partner loves you, they will not ask you to do this. It is better to marry your someone with your own goals, values and belief system, because a Jew is born a Jew; a Jew will die a Jew. What take place in between may vary, but that is free choice.
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I just want to thank the writer for her question, and for Ms. Shaffer's response. I am in a similar situation myself. In my case, I was engaged to a Jewish man. The relationship did not work out, and that had nothing to do with religion. But I was amazed within the relationship by how deeply we connected spiritually and how comfortable I felt with Judaism, though I knew little about it. I was raised Episcopalean, and have always felt somewhat disingenuous about my Christian faith. When I was in college, I became connected with members of the campus Hillel organization, and considered converting to Judaism then, but didn't because I felt I could not be truly "Jewish" since I wasn't by birth. I know that Judaism doesn't encourage converts. That's part of what I like about it. And it is something that won't seem to leave me alone. It is like a theme that keeps resurfacing in my life whether I want it to or not. I feel I want to convert, or at least learn more about practicing Judaism because everything about it truly speaks to my soul, and the more I learn about it, the more I am drawn to the religion by and for itself, and for myself as well. I would never in my life hope to convert for the sake of another person because I know that that is wrong and would be just setting myself up for disaster and disappointment. But maybe in this way I can thank my former fiance for bringing me closer to myself and a religion that allows me to communicate with G-d more honestly. It's not for him, but it feels as though he played a part in bringing me closer to my true path. So I hear what you are saying, and I say trust your instincts. Make it clear that it is not for the sake of the relationship by pursuing it outside of relationship. Study and convert while you are unattached, and then, once you are done, perhaps you may find that he is still there for you. But no matter what, you will at least know that you have acted honestly, if that is what you feel.
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Hi, I found your story very compelling. I'm wondering if you'd like to speak to people in similar situations. Although, I did not have a Jewish boyfriend when I decided to convert, I do know people who have been in the same situation that you have. They are building beautiful Jewish families together. My articles can be found on the site, along with my contact information. I run a online support group for converts and those in the process, as well.
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The one and only reason to convert to any faith is to serve G-d according to the tenets of that faith. Any Rabbi, Priest, Minister, or Imam that converts anyone for any other reason including marriage has just devalued his religion and basically sold out. Conversion has to to do with G-d, not marriage.
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Thomas, you said, "The concept of Bnei Noach and the 'noahide laws':
Who, outside of Bnai Israel, actually practices all seven of the 'noahide laws'?
Answer: Virtually nobody.
Why?
And since nobody outside of Bnai Israel practices them, let alone cares about them,-
why continue to proselytize to the Gentiles about them? "
If you reach out to a thousand and only one reaches back, then I believe you have done a great thing. I think it's a great tragedy that by and large Noachides are ignored and 'shut out' with no where to be accepted/taught. If you consider any problems or bad situations, "why bother" is never the correct pathway to improvement.
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While G-d is quite capable of using love (since He is capable of anything) to bring one to living as a Jew, it is generally better to be of the same faith and/or covenant BEFORE you develop feelings for someone leading to marriage.
Most marriages started with love, but so many nowadays don't prevail. The relationships that started with a common path before G-d (preceding love) tend to do much better; and therefore, Mrs. Shaffer, you gave good advice here.
Why then 'yes and no'.
The concept of Bnei Noach and the 'noahide laws':
Who, outside of Bnai Israel, actually practices all seven of the 'noahide laws'?
Answer: Virtually nobody.
Why?
And since nobody outside of Bnai Israel practices them, let alone cares about them,-
why continue to proselytize to the Gentiles about them?
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