Should I marry and move away from my family?

Question:

I am in my twenties, a girl who grew up in _______. I recently met a nice Jewish guy from faraway _______. We are both from good loving families with strong Jewish values. Not long ago I moved to his hometown to get a job and see if the relationship would work if we were in the same city. We get along really well and have similar goals and values. We are both ready to get married.

But I have doubts. I am extremely close and connected to my family and in order to be with him I would have to live and raise a family far from my roots. He makes substantially more money than I do and it makes sense for him to stay. I am concerned, though, that I will be too lonely away from my family. I am also concerned because the majority of my family does not approve of the marriage because of the distance. They feel that I should not leave my home and family to marry a man who would not do the same for me. My family's approval is very important to me. It is also very hard for me to envision my future so far away from them.

But... I do love him and want to make a family with him. This is my dilemma and I have been struggling to make a decision for months. I really would like any advice and wisdom that you can give me.

Answer:

I understand your reservations and hesitations about leaving your family and think that it is so beautiful that you and your family are so closely knit. However, there comes a time in life when we need to move ahead and our own personal growth needs to take precedence. It is not easy to find someone whom you love, feel compatible with and would like to spend your life with.

You are fortunate to have found such an individual.

As you yourself write, due to financial concerns it makes sense for him to stay in his city and for you to move there. You are worried however that you will miss your family. Have you spoken openly with this man about your concerns? Can you make some arrangement as far as how often you will visit your family and arrange for them as well to come and visit you?

Most people have found that despite their closeness to their family, after marriage their priorities shift somewhat (and need to shift) as their greatest focus becomes building their own family. This doesn't mean you need to break off from your family – you certainly shouldn't and you should work on ways of maintaining closeness, regular phone calls and trips etc. – but it is something for you to think about before giving up your opportunity of building a new life with someone who you regard so highly.

For more insight on this matter, see also Moving to Israel.

Wishing you well and best of luck with your decision,

Chana Weisberg for Chabad.org