Voicemail

“Welcome to the Repentance Hot Line. Your call is very important to us, and is fully confidential. If calling in the Ten Days of Repentance, when G‑d is closer than ever, this is a local call, instead of the usual long-distance. Press #10 now.

“During this time, you will hear one long note, three short beeps, nine shorter beeps, and a long note. This series will repeat several times, followed by an extra-long final note at the end.

“Repentance calls for patience and persistence. If you do not get through the first time, try again. If you still do not get through, try again. At any time: Do not hang up!

“If you feel that you have reached us in error, this is the right place, for ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine.’

“This call is being monitored audiovisually by ‘the Eye that sees, the Ear that hears, and the Scribe who writes all your deeds.’ At any time during your call, you may hear moving renditions of Avinu Malkeinu, Kol Nidrei, and other High Holiday melodies.

“For Ashkenazic pronunciation, bevakoshoh (please) press A. For Sephardic, bevakashah press S. Use any language, as long as it comes from the heart. Lip service is unacceptable. If you are not serious, please hang up, try pressing ‘return’ and call back again.

“To review your annual balance, here are some helpful numbers:

“For mitzvot in general, press #613. For a positive commandment, press #248. For a negative commandment, press #365. Regarding rabbinic laws, use extension 7.

“For teshuvah, press 1. For prayer, press 2, and for charity, 3 . . . to remove the bad decree. You may press 1 for echad, M to ask for Moshiach. Press zero to delete your transgressions. Are you sure you want to delete your transgressions at this time?

“If you sinned against another party, contact them first, and call back after they forgive.

“If you sincerely regret past transgressions, but don’t know where to begin, consult the Yom Kippur prayerbook’s alphabetical “Al Chet” directory. Use right hand to press pound at each listing. Thanks to our special teshuvah advantage program, all your debits have been turned into credits.

“All transfers to charity are credited to your account. Enter pledge now. Press #18 to contribute multiples of chai.

“May you be inscribed for a good new year. Thank you, and please call again.”