How Do I Know That I Really Believe?

Question:

Lately I've have been struggling with the concept of G‑d, existence, and my own death one day. I realize that I don't like this idea of one day not being here anymore.

What bothers me is that perhaps G‑d and the eternity of life are just constructs of our mind to protect itself from that which it can't handle. I want to believe, but that is exactly what worries me. How do I distinguish between what's truly true and what's just a comforting thought?

Answer:

I have two conflicting things to say. But then, truth is generally very conflicting.

One is that there is nothing more real than the emotions inside of us. You know the chair you are sitting on because you feel it there; the floor, because you walk on it; the computer display, because you see it there. All these you know through external sensations. But your emotions, those are the reality within you.

That is one half of truth. The other half is that Truth is something larger than either of us. It is not a feeling inside us, rather we walk around inside it and it surprises us at every turn. Truth is found by leaving our subjective confines to see a larger whole.

Before you decide that I'm being thoroughly contradictory and nonsensical, I would like to point out that this truth that is built of two opposite truths was the first truth the first human being stumbled across. As the Midrash describes, when Adam was created and he looked upon the creation around him, he concluded, "All of them are only created to serve me,"—meaning that Truth lies within me—"..and I was only created to serve my Creator"—meaning that truth lies beyond me.

The theme repeats itself in the act of a mitzvah. In every mitzvah lie two opposites: I do it because I am obligated to do so, whether I feel like it or not. That is the translation of the word "mitzvah"—a command.

And when I do it, I do it with all my heart, mind and soul. I take ownership. It is my mitzvah.

The theme, you will find, expresses itself in every facet of Judaism, in the way we pray, in the way we study Torah, in every thought is this same paradox.

Because if a person grasps only one end of the stick or the other, Truth slips from his hands. Truth lies only in the impossible fusion of both.

Grasp just one end of the stick or the other, Truth slips from your hands. Truth lies only in the impossible fusion of both In practical terms, applied to your quandary: As long as your faith and your application of your faith is convenient to you and serves you well, you cannot know whether you have the G‑d of Truth or that you have a self-serving idol. Only when you accept upon yourself mitzvahs that do not suit your liking and are not convenient to your lifestyle, then there is a possibility that you are touching truth.

Like Abraham, who was tested ten times in his life, asked to do things that were entirely contrary to his nature. Like Jews throughout the ages who hung on to their Judaism despite the fact that it was not particularly comfortable throughout most of history to be a Jew. In fact, a large number fell away. But those who seeked truth held on. Like the Jew today who after 3,300 years of trying still cannot explain why he does the things he does—and yet knows that he must do these things because they are beyond him, they work, because Truth is larger than my peewee brain.

My suggestion: Get the most mind-twisting of mitzvahs twisted around your head and your arm. Buy a pair of tefillin and put on those black leather boxes with black leather straps every morning. You can try to make sense of it, but it will never really fit. Do something that takes you beyond the world as our neat little minds imagine it to be.

Please let me know if this helps.