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Adam and Eve: A Template for a Relationship

Adam and Eve: A Template for a Relationship


"My husband is always taking me for granted! I remember years ago, when we first married, how special he made me feel. He would look into my eyes and my heart would melt. He made me feel so loved, so wanted, so needed, like I was the center of his life. I felt treasured and important, as if I was his whole world.

"But nowadays…I feel more like a piece of old furniture, something that's functional and comfortable, but holds no special connection or affection. We're like two strangers living under the same roof. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, as I've become just an appendage of his..."

Adam stood in the middle of the garden, enveloped in exquisite beauty. The world was there to delight him—succulent fruit, majestic trees, green pastures, sparkling waters and striking animals of all species. He was the master of them all.

Yet as Adam stood gazing at this grandeur, he felt an intense loneliness. A powerful feeling of existential isolation overcame every fiber of his being. He had everything, yet he was missing something so essential and so integral to his very happiness and completion. He might be the master of his world, but deep inside himself, he knew he was deficient.

"And G‑d said, 'It is not good that man is alone. I shall make for him a compatible helper.'" (Genesis 2:18)

With the creation of all other species, both male and female sprang up at the same time. In the creation of humanity, however, Adam was created as a lone being.

Man needed to feel a sense of existential loneliness, a deep and unfulfilling lack, to impress upon him how important his partner is to his life and happiness.

"The Holy One willed that man should be without woman for a brief period, and then afterwards introduced her to him, so that she would be dearer to him after he had felt life so lacking without her." (Chizkuni on Genesis 2:18)

This feeling of intense loneliness was meant to impress upon Adam, and all future Adams, the centrality of their "other half." The message of his loneliness must guide him to action: appreciate her, value her and nurture her. To realize how special she is and what a predominant role she plays in his life.

"What so attracted me to my wife when we first met was not only her amazing qualities and charismatic personality, but it was also how she made me feel about myself. Intuitively, she knew how to build me up and make me feel so capable, so successful.

"When she was with me, the whole world sparkled and I felt like I could conquer anything. Together, there would be no barriers, nothing holding us back.

"But nowadays… She doesn't stop criticizing me! There's non-stop bickering and complaining. Whatever I do is always wrong and no matter how hard I try, it is never good enough."

She awoke from a deep slumber to gaze into his searching eyes. Immediately and intuitively Chava (Eve) sensed that they were deeply attached to one another. In fact, somehow she knew that they were actually parts of one another.

She would be an integral part of his life; its very foundation. He would need her to accomplish his mission in this world.

"But for Adam there was not found a helper who was compatible…and the rib which G‑d had taken from man, He built into a woman and brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh…Therefore a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife." (Genesis 2:20-24)

Woman is called an ezer kinegdo a compatible helper. As part of man's own flesh, she is closest to him, an actual part of his being.

What was man so lacking before her creation, that he was (in G‑d's own words) "not good"? And, what could she provide that was so integral to his mission and completion?

Man was missing a companion, someone who could understand his nature and his psyche. She was built from him, but it was she who he needed to build him up; without her he was not whole.

Woman, as an actual part of Adam, is the one best equipped to inspire in him a confidence in achieving his mission. Only together could they fulfill their dreams and hopes, their joint mission and purpose.

"In the animal kingdom, the male animals do not cleave to the female animals, but rather the males come to any female that they find to procreate. The Torah is underlining a distinction here between humanity and other creations. The first female was necessarily an actual part of man's own flesh, which makes him want to cleave to her and always be with her. This is instilled in the nature of men that a son leaves his father and mother to build a life with his wife, whom he regards as the closest one to him, as though he and she are one flesh." (Nachmanides on Genesis 2:24)

Isn't it amazing how the very things we most need from each other are also the most difficult for us to give? The formula for a successful partnership between man and woman is hidden between the lines on the very first pages of Genesis. G‑d who is the designer of the human psyche, well understood the differences in nature between men and women and the possible points of conflict.

Ask most married women: What is your greatest complaint against your husband? You are sure to hear: "He fails to appreciate me," "He takes me for granted," "He doesn't spend time with me," "He fails to nurture our relationship." She feels that she has become merely an appendage of his being, taken for granted and not treated as the essential center of his life.

Ask a married man: What is your biggest issue with your wife? By and large, the responses will be: "She nags me," "She puts me down," "She's always criticizing," "She's never happy with me."

Women crave nurturance while men seek confidence. Interestingly, the very thing each seeks is often the other's weakest point.

Men tend to get distracted with the many pursuits of the world before them. They see their activities, accomplishments and conquests as things they do for the sake of their wives and families without actually spending the time to nurture that very relationship.

Women, on the other hand, have a tendency to be critical. They see their partner's potential, and what they can be as opposed to loving them for what they are, and point out these deficiencies.

In the very first moments of creation, G‑d reminds man and woman of the essential tools each carries, that are quintessential needs craved by their partner.

To man, G‑d says—look at your first moments before she entered your world. You had the entire world at your fingertips, but you were lacking. Not only were you lacking something peripheral, your very life was "not good"! Remember your feelings of utter loneliness without her, when your life held no meaning or completion. Treat her with the respect she deserves. Remind her just how much she means to you. Make her the center of your world. Value her relationship more than anything. She needs to feel like the treasure that she is.

To woman, G‑d says—you are his greatest helper, without whom he simply cannot succeed. Your smile, your approval, your words of praise, your words of encouragement are the very oxygen pumping life-giving energy into his veins. You hold the building blocks, essential to his life. He needs you to build him up. He seeks your approval.

Embedded within the first moments of creation lies the solution to navigating our relationship obstacles. Man and woman each carry the very tools that their soul mate so keenly yearns.

Access these tools and you will discover the keys to a successful and fulfilling partnership.

Chana Weisberg is the editor of She lectures internationally on issues relating to women, relationships, meaning, self-esteem and the Jewish soul. She is the author of five popular books.
Artwork by David Brook. David lives in Sydney, Australia, and has been selling his art since he was in high school. He is currently painting and doing web illustrations.
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Anonymous Mich March 2, 2017

Subordinate, for better or worse Woman's lot is "Subordinate" to man. Why? Let us say we encounter a frozen lake we must cross and are uncertain of the integrity of the ice. Who should cross first? The woman? The man? Anyone who accepts the man is to cross first is accepting woman in the subordinate role. She will be wise, as G_d has ordained, to exactly follow his steps as she goes behind. Man will decide his path, and if he fails he loses. I say subordination only exists in a context of responsible leadership only out of necessity. In his sacrficial love for her, shall her subordination only make sense. If they are to cross safe known terrain, it is to each to decide where they step. Anything else is hierarchical, and is not the true intention of subordination, which is love of a man for woman. A woman who knows such a man should love him likewise! Fantastc article! Shalom. Reply

Chana Weisberg February 3, 2016

dear Kathryn Thanks for writing and that is an interesting perspective and way of looking at women, as being subordinate and unimportant because they are the "helpers" to someone else.
I have little bit of a different perspectives.
I believe the person who has the ability to help is in some way empowered to give what she has to the one who does not have it. My reading of these verses is that women are in some ways more self-sufficient in achieving their spiritual aspirations, whereas a man cannot achieve it without the assistance of his "ezer kenegdo." Perhaps this is why the Rabbis of the Talmud write that a MAN without a wife is without blessings, happiness and a whole slew of good things but does not write a similar statement about a woman without a spouse.
Just some thoughts and a different way of looking at it. :) Reply

Kathryn Miriam Urman Boston, MA February 1, 2016

Ezer Kinegdo-"Helper"-So She's Not the Point? If a woman was created for a man, and if a woman is man's helper, then what is really the ultimate goal here is the man- his ultimate perfection. She's not the point- he is. She is his- his tool. But he is not hers, not only. That's why a man can have multiple wives but a woman can only have one husband. (Aristotle similarly talks about this-that basically every person is either his own man, or a part of another man.)...So a woman is not the point, the man + his perfection is. No? Reply

Mrs. wanda huffman via August 8, 2015

Thank you so much for your insight into a marriage. Your article shook me to my core. We have been married for 35 years and up till this last year we have been each others friend and have found enjoyment with each other, laughing and dreaming and just have fun with each other. But this year all we do is fuss. I now realize i have stopped building him up. Thank you again. May God always bless your efforts. Reply


these lines are awesome.I pray every wife and every husband understands this Reply

Sandra Hall Oromocto , New Brunswick /Canada July 27, 2012

this was an outstanding article ,,I needed to read and feel this thank you !! Reply

venkatesh Mangalore, Karnataka May 30, 2011

adam and eve wonderful.I never thought the relationship between a man and his woman is so complex but not so complex that it cannot be simplified. Reply

EW Dayton, OH February 19, 2010

This is very beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. Reply

yid galut August 3, 2007

Magnificent Truely Beautiful, an absolute pleasure. May we all come to engrain the ideas of this article into each of our own very being. Reply

Anonymous Joplin, Mo./USA August 2, 2007

Adam and Eve I liked your article very much. In today's society we have lost sight of what marriage is all about. Through the ages we have been told that the husband has rule over everything. We have not looked at how G-d saw and set marriage to be. It's a pity that this concept is not taught in the world as a whole. I have witnessed only a few marriages where the husband and wife act as a team or as one body. Thank you for the article. Shalom Reply

Tom Reilly July 30, 2007

Adam and Eve It is fairly common to view the relationship of Adam and Eve through a psychological grid which you did so well. But pressing the question a bit why does the marital relationship so often degenerate into a sad joyless coexistence? How would you exegete the text at Gen 3:16 "Unto the woman He said: 'I will greatly multiply thy pain and thy travail; in pain thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
What does the text mean? The pain of the marriage relationship seems to be doomed right from the start.
How may harmony and joy be achieved? Reply

Kelly Rae Sydney, Australia July 30, 2007

Excellent! I have a daughter who will be married next May. I sent a link of this article to both her and her fiance. I have always tried to remember that Eve was not a slave to Adam, but a helpmate. And when Adam first set eyes on Eve, he was so appreciative that he expressed his first thoughts in poetry!
Truly, there are blessings in being married. In this throw-away society we now live in, we must guard our thoughts of our partner and remember how we felt when we first met them and how much we appreciated them... Reply

Felicia via July 29, 2007

bravo, that was a wonderful article. your analysis and application of the story of Genesis is inspiring. it was an absolute pleaure to read! Reply

Anonymous July 29, 2007

wow, what a great article. You really pinpointed everything that one goes through. You have really opened my eyes, thank you so much, this has helped me sooooo much. May G-d continue to bless you. Reply