Question:
My husband and I are both Jewish. My husband is a very good man and we have a love that we both cherish. Neither one of us was brought up, however, in a religious Jewish home. We have very different opinions of how it is we need to live our lives as Jewish people. For example, I buy and eat only kosher meat, but my husband could live without having kosher meat in the house and does eat non-kosher meat outside the house. Or going to temple; I enjoy that but my husband does not (he explains that he has bad memories of his father "forcing" him to go, especially when he cannot read Hebrew). I have always wanted to live a more religious life, but I don't know how to do this with a husband that doesn't share my desire. I don't know if there is a certain solution or a certain way to deal with this. I have not met anyone in this situation in order to ask them about it. And so, I write to you.
Answer:
The situation you describe is not uncommon. Often, one spouse is ready to grow in their observance, while the other one is reluctant to go forward.
How to deal with the situation?
You walk a delicate balance between having your family grow in the beautiful observance of our heritage, while at the same time not making your husband feel like you are imposing or forcing it on him. The sages tell us a "the wisdom of the woman builds her home." Using your wisdom, you can create a beautiful atmosphere in your home. The key is doing things in a positive way, happily and pleasantly. If he feels this is something that adds beauty and dimension to your lives, and that it is something that brings greater happiness and spirituality to you, he will follow your lead. But you do need to take things slowly and sometimes take a step back in order to avoid confrontations. Show him that keeping the traditions is something important to you.
Let me give you some practical suggestions. You might want to start with a traditional Shabbat meal on Friday night. Make special foods, whatever are his favorite foods, make a special atmosphere in your home, relaxed, warm and happy. Let him enjoy it and let it become an evening he looks forward to throughout the week. Set romantic candles on the table, light the Shabbat candles and let it set the aura for the evening.
Befriend the local Chabad rabbi and rebbetzin. Perhaps you can attend some social events or programs at the shul/chabad house and become friendly with some of the members of the shul on a social level. From there, maybe your husband would agree to attend some of the services, and it might lead to more.
Some people fear that if the spouse will grow in their observance it will make them into a "different" kind of person. You need to assure him through words and actions that keeping the traditions only brings greater positivity to your home, while you remain inherently the same individual.
As far as kosher in your home, if you are the one to purchase and make the food, probably your husband would not object to buying only kosher and eating only kosher. Let it start with in the home for him and perhaps it will develop to more as well.
It would be a good idea if you can become friendly with someone, like perhaps the local chabad rebbetzin, who can help guide you as to what you should be doing and how to do so slowly in a positive way.
I hope these suggestions have been helpful,
For further insight on this matter, see Kosher Kitchen.
Chana Weisberg for Chabad.org
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