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-- 34 --
From: Juan
To: Gershon
Date: December 1
A few quick matters...
if she were to come to the
conclusion that 1) her religion prohibits it, and
2) she does not want to betray her religion, would you understand and accept her
decision to break up the relationship?
Of course...
That means, then,
that the relationship continues to be valid only because 1)
she does not understand and/or 2) she does not agree with what Judaism says
about the matter. If that is the case, shouldn't YOU be the first one to insist
that she speak with me (either by e-mail, personally, in private or with you) in
order to see if she really knows, understands and wants the consequences of what
she is doing...?"
I think that she is aware of and understands the consequences, but in the
balance of her life, at this stage, she cares more about what her feelings tell
her than what her religion does. Paulina is one of the most intelligent people
that I know. If she does not decide to break up the relationship, it is because
she can't. She would not be able to take it. Let us presume that she is
convinced that the best thing for both of us is for each to marry someone from
the same religion. Then the big question comes back: If she does not have the
necessary strength to break up with me (even though she knows that it is the
best thing for us...) should I drop her, without caring what she says? (I expect
a yes or no answer).
I understand that she loves you very much. Is that an advantage? Doesn't that mean that she is not even willing to entertain the possibility of leaving you
because she loves you so much and that blinds her?
I see that you realize the magnitude of Paulina's love. If she were to decide
to ignore it, do you think that one can find such a love around the corner?
Since I became an adolescent, I liked to befriend older people, and I
discovered that many older people still harbor an old love in their souls.
Several regret having let them go... I would not like that happening to me.
On the other hand, after getting married --
end even more so, if you have
children -- the psychological tension changes completely. 'How did I get myself
into this mess?' I imagine that it may sound impossible to you that such a day
will come in your life. If it doesn't, it would be a miracle.
The Larousse dictionary that I have on my shelf defines, "Miracle: An
occurrence that cannot be explained by natural causes and is attributed to
divine intervention."
That would be marvelous. But I think that your expression means the second
definition: "Miracle -- By chance, rarely occurring."
In other words, occurring... but rarely so. The fact of the matter is that I
have the remote possibility of being happy with Paulina and our children... and
knowing that this slight chance exists, makes me unbelievably happy! The risk of
ruining my life is insignificant in comparison with the happiness of growing old
with Paulina!
There is a family whom I have been friends with
for years. It is a mixed marriage. He is Jewish and she is a practicing
Christian. Their children are brilliant students. Some are more interested in
Judaism than others. I have known them for many years and I can assure you that
they are a very happy couple. I have spoken with them several times regarding my
situation, and they show themselves as an example that one can be happy in a
mixed marriage. I am sure there are thousands like them.
I am sure that you must have many things to say... and I anxiously await your
reply.
A strong hug.
Juan
-- 35 --
From: Gershon
To: Juan
Date: December 1
I think that she is aware of and
understands the consequences... Then the big
question comes back: If she does not have the necessary strength to break up
with me (even though she knows that it is the best thing for us...) should I
drop her, without caring what she says? (I expect a yes or no answer).
In other words, what you are asking is: "Being that we both understand that
the proper thing for us to do would be to break up the relationship, but we find
it extremely difficult to do so, how can we accomplish it in a healthy, happy,
painless way, without regretting it later?"
If this interpretation of your question is correct, we can continue to
explore the possibilities. If I did not interpret your question correctly,
please correct me.
I see that you realize the
magnitude of Paulina's love. If she were to decide
to ignore it, do you think that one can find such a love around the corner?
I think that it is possible, although not around the corner... but around herself.
It requires -- first and foremost -- a deep reevaluation on her part regarding
who she is, where is she coming from and where is she going to. But, again, this
matter becomes relevant only after first resolving if my reformulation of your
question is correct...
I discovered that many
older people still harbor an old love in their souls.
Several regret having let them go... I would not like that happening to me.
As I mentioned to you in the previous mail, it is not the same loving
something that one does not have as loving something that one does
have. Very often, an "old love" is nothing more than virtual reality, a product
of one's imagining that "my life with her would've been different." But it is
pure speculation. I think that in many of those cases, people confuse true, deep
love with superficial infatuation...
The risk of ruining my life is
insignificant in comparison with the happiness
of growing old with Paulina!
If the basis for the decision is to fulfill G-d's wishes, I don't think that
you can say that it would be the wrong decision... True, it may be difficult...
but ruin your life? Of course, it depends on what "life" is and what makes a
happy life.
There is a family that lives in
my neighborhood who I have been friends with
for years. It is a mixed marriage... and I can assure you that they are a very
happy couple. I have spoken with them several times regarding my situation, and
they show themselves as an example that one can be happy in a mixed marriage. I
am sure there are thousands like them
I think that it is very difficult to know what is really going on in the
private life of others... People, in general, tend to show that everything is Ok...
Besides, how do you know what kind of experiences and Jewish education he had?
Perhaps he has his Jewish identity very hidden and does not experience a conflict
with it. Or perhaps he did have a conflict and chose the subjective over the
objective. There are many possible variables. The real-life statistics, however,
show an unbelievable amount of divorces (in spite of the fact that people prefer
to hide the truth)... Do you think that all of them got married thinking and
feeling differently than you?
Of course, there are many happy marriages. I just brought up this issue in
order to illustrate the fact that what one feels when getting married (feeling
that often serve to cover up real or potential problems) is not (necessarily) a
real indication of what one will feel after marriage... After marriage, one is
left with the objective reality, without the obscuring haze that the original
feelings provided. In order to overcome such a situation, one needs the proper
tools in order to achieve a more profound and authentic love. A fish and a bird
can live together as long as they are on the surface of the lake, without
manifesting their differences. The moment a situation arises in which they
respond according to their respective irrepressible natures, everything changes...
Being married and sharing children is more than a simple friendship
I am sure that you must have many things to say...
and I anxiously await your reply.
There is much more to say, but I think that for today it is enough....
A hug
Gershon
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