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Do we need to forgive those who wrong us?

By Eliezer Danzinger

Question:

I know we are to reconcile ourselves to G‑d and our fellows for our transgressions. This is a very basic Jewish teaching. But what about offering forgiveness to those who have wronged us?

A not so modern method of spiritual 'health and wellbeing' teaches that we must forgive others in order to save our own emotional health in order to keep from harboring resentments. It is likened to forgiving a debt. A person may have robbed another of something irreplaceable, and the offender doesn't want to be forgiven, but the teaching says we forgive him anyway to improve our own mental condition. I would like to know how Judaism, chassidism in particular, views this teaching, as I practice this principle and find it to be highly effective.

Answer:

If someone wrongs us and sincerely asks us for our forgiveness, we must forgive them--provided that they have compensated us for any actual damages.

This is according to the strict letter of the law. Acting beyond the letter of the law, we ought to forgive others even if they do not ask for, or even want, our forgiveness. In fact, in the prayer text of both many Ashkenazim and Sephardim (and Chabad too) before retiring for the night, we utter a declaration forgiving anyone who has offended us.1

Now while it is true that forgiving others, even without being asked, is in our own best interests, I think we should aim to do so for more noble reasons. Firstly, we have to consider that anything harmful that befell us comes from G‑d. As such, the person who has hurt us, is merely acting as G‑d's agent. So we can only be upset with him for having chosen to be G‑d's agent. Reflecting on this idea should already lessen any hard feelings we have. (For more on this idea, see Anger Management 101.)

Secondly, just as a mother, for example, forgives her child without being asked, out of love for her own flesh and blood, so, too, should we strive to forgive others for their wrongdoing, simply out of love for members of our same family. (Click here for more on this subject.)

Let me know if this helps.

Rabbi Eliezer Danzinger for Chabad.org

17 Comments

FOOTNOTES
1.	The Arizal mentions this practice in Sefer Etz Chaim, "Shaar Kriyat Shma al Ha'Mitah," ch. 2.

By Eliezer Danzinger More articles... |

Rabbi Eliezer Danzinger, first content editor for KabbalaOnline.org, is the translator and editor of several important Chasidic texts. He also serves as the Jewish chaplain for York Central Hospital, and for numerous Federal prisons. Rabbi Danzinger currently resides in Toronto, Canada, with his wife, Yehudis, and their children.

All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

The content on this page is copyrighted by the author, publisher and/or Chabad.org, and is produced by Chabad.org. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with the copyright policy.

17 Comments Posted | Post A Comment

Reader Comments
Latest Comments:

Posted: Feb 10, 2011

forgivness

if we forgive those who wrong us do we also have to be friends again and expose ourselves to being hurt again?

Posted By Anonymous, Mt pleasant, ny

Posted: Dec 27, 2009

Yes, it is helpful.

I understand better and the example that was given with the mother clarified the point about forgiving for more noble reasons.

Posted By Lara, New York, NY, USA

Posted: Dec 26, 2009

I dont think it means one has to ever associate w/ a perpetrator who is likely to do harm again. We can pray to G-d that He help us not hate the soul of the sinner, that we not carry thoughts of revenge, that Gd lead the person to repent.
we leave thoughts of punishment to Gd and connect very strongly to Gd ourselves through mitzvot and kindness to elevate our souls and the world around us. Like a descent for the sake of a greater ascent.

The perpetrator might have poor impulse control or be psychotic or have brain damage, not that even those conditions justify violence.

very hard tzuris...

Posted By Anonymous, branchport, ny

Posted: Dec 26, 2009

To forgive doesn't mean to forget or to be silent

I don't think private or public forgiveness means that one sanctions the abuse, misconduct or bad behavior, does it? It seems that we don't have to sit quietly and subject ourselves to the abuse or misconduct.Forgiveness detaches us from the misconduct and allows us to go on living our healthy lives. I find that truly happy people are able to separate the wrongdoer, him or herself, from the wrongdoing...The wrongdoer is still a child of G-d. It may be hard to stay on a higher level of righteousness when we cannot forgive, privately or publicly, those who hurt or abuse others. How can one forgive privately (meaning in one's heart?) if one cannot forgive publicly....it seems easier to forgive publicly than privately...is there a difference between private and public forgiveness?

Posted By Lara, NYC, NY/USA

Posted: Dec 23, 2009

Empowering the sinner

What if forgiving empowers those who invalidate others? I can forgive quietly, and I do, but to forgive in public means the sinner has achieved a sense of rightness over his abusive actions. I cannot do that.

Posted By Jacqueline, Toronto, Ontario

Posted: June 26, 2009

Thank you, Rabbi...

that was helpful. I have already begun to share it w/ a couple friends who are victims... one youngster breathed a sigh of relief. Shabat Shalom

Posted By Anonymous, branchport

Posted: June 12, 2009

Dear Rahel,

My heart aches horribly for anyone who has suffered such horrible torment at the hands of another person. Clearly, giving such an individual a wide berth is not only justified but mandatory. If the person's destructive behavior has not been addressed, then even if an apology has been made, any sort of relationship should not be reestablished. But if the corrosive conduct is a thing of the past, and the former perpetrator now reformed, then I urge you to try and forgive the person, especially if they have sincerely asked for your pardon.

Before retiring at night, some have the custom to recite the following, based on the teaching of the Arizal, a foremost Jewish mystic:

"Master of the Universe! I hereby forgive anyone who has angered or vexed me, or sinned against me, either physically or financially, against my honor or anything else that is mine, whether accidentally or intentionally, inadvertently or deliberately, by speech or by deed, in this incarnation or in any other--any Israelite; may no man be punished on my account.... May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be acceptable before You, L-rd my strength and my Redeemer."

Let me know if this helps.

Posted By Rabbi Lazer Danziger for chabad.org

Posted: June 9, 2009

Forgiving Safely

Please describe what is the Jewish response to forgiving and interacting w/ a
person who is unstable, abused substances and multiple times abused
people w/ violence and more. It seems unwise to interact w/ the abuser, who does not ask forgiveness or is too unstable to change at this point.

Posted By Anonymous

Posted: May 16, 2009

Better Understanding Now

I have a somewhat better understanding after reading Anger Management 101. Yet, I still struggle with the idea that wrongdoers are agents of G-d and not acting out of their own free will. Ultimately, I do believe that G-d's plan cannot be interrupted by the wrongdoers. I find G-d gives me the courage and strength and lessons to learn in order to deal with wrongdoers and wrongdoing. I find G-d provides me with the lessons to learn from these experiences. I still believe that G-d is loving and doesn't want bad things to happen to us except to make us better in every positive way. What am I missing? Even when bad things happen to people, it is in G-d's plan? I will continue to follow this conversation. Thank you for continuing with this helpful discussion.