I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?

Question:

Dear Rabbi,

I am having a problem with a friend of mine. There seems to be an attraction between us that I don't want there. I love my fiancé and don't want to be distracted or hurt our relationship. There is potential for a lot of hurt with this situation, especially considering that my friend's wife is also a close friend of mine.

Anyway, it's a big tangled web with lots of spiders and I don't know how to get out. If my love for my fiancé is true, how could this attraction be so strong?

Answer:

True love doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone else. And being attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you don't love your fiancé or that he isn't your true soul-mate. All it means is that you are human.

We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves -- that when I meet Mr. Right I will only have eyes for him. But reality is not like that.

You can be happily married for years - even to Mr. Right - and still become attracted to someone else. You can't control that; it is instinctive. What you can help is what you do about it. You are not forced to act on your instincts. You can't always control what you feel, but what you do about those feelings is totally in your court.

If you are committed to your fiancé then you have to be exclusively his. That means that you put your relationship with him in front of any other concern.

This may mean that you cannot continue to socialize with that other person to whom you are attracted. Even if it means a rift in your friendship with his wife, what is more important - your future marriage or your relationship with her? This may be a difficult move, but if you don't do it you are running the risk of needlessly harming four lives.

You are facing an important test. Your loyalty and commitment are being challenged. The question is: will you do what you feel like doing or what you know is right?

See this as an opportunity to take your relationship with your fiancé to a whole new level. Show yourself that although your faithfulness is being strongly challenged, the depth of your commitment to him is stronger still.

By Aron Moss

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

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January 1, 2012

Addiction

it might help in such circumstances to speak to a counselor or psychologist. As wll if t is something that cannot be controlled it might be a full blown addiction and then fellowhips like SLAA can help you to recover.

Anonymous
beijing

July 2, 2011

I can relate. I am single and deeply in love with a married woman. She is in love with me too. We have acknowledged our feelings for each other but neither one of us wants her to make the ultimate sacrifice. She loves her husband and her kids, and neither one of us wants her to tear their family apart. So instead, we stay apart. Sometimes I wonder why God gave me the gift of her but made her not able to be mine. It's kind of a cruel gift. Other times, I feel blessed to love her as much as I do and to be loved by her. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it is important. Maybe some day I'll get to have some one of my own

Anonymous
Santa Rosa, CA

June 20, 2011

soul mates

I can relate to this story. I had an affair with a married man, while i was married too. I knew him for sometime and ended up working for his company. i tried very hard to stay away and ignore his advances, but finally broke down. My marriage was having a lot of problems and i was on my way out before the affair even began, so why was i feeling so horribly guilty about the situation. I couldn't stand hurting everyone involved. I ended up going back to my husband and admitting to him about my affair. It was the most painful time in my life. I got very sick from all the stress. My husband was there for me every step of the way, even though he was hurting too. We got through it together. If I could go back , i would NOT do it!!! Thank G-d for my family!

Anonymous
Sunny Isles Beach, FL

August 4, 2010

To anonymous in Perth

The depth of your feelings comes through your writing. I hear your frustration, confusion and helplessness. I hope that G-d has given you the courage and strength to get through this tumultous test. I wish you much luck and only happiness in your life.
Regards from England

AW
Manchester

October 28, 2009

soul mates

According to Torah's 10 commandments, adultery is a sin. If your soul mate comes along in life after your married, God will somehow change the circumstances so that the union will happen easily and naturally. But the sacrifice of giving up everything you owned is usually part of the bargain to be made. the only way to know afterward if it was truly a match made in heaven is after the marriage takes place. If your lives together produces wonderful things then that is a sign it was meant to be.

Catherine
Brookville, NY

October 28, 2009

soul mate

Relationships have their ups and downs but friendship is a great cushion against most of these. i actually only ever trully fell in love once in my life, totally and wholly loved, but that love was lost and as the years trickled on, i decided to settle for a ise. Honestly speaking i knew it was a lot of work in progress from the start. well... in comes my knight in shinning armour and it seems like i've known him for years. and look, he speaks venetian! he had marital issues, which i totally understand given my earlier predicament, and a large part of me really longs for the commitment marriage brings because this is second to non, however rocky the road, but celine was right- can't resist when the wrong one loves you right. when we broke up, my ex found a more compatible mate and i'm sure they'll be much happier. it all works out, somehow, esp when all parties stay true to themselves. kid's shouldn't be brought up in a hostile environment, though this is trully the very last straw

tracey M
nairobi, kenya

September 9, 2009

been there

I have alot of compassion for your struggle. I hope you follow the Rabbi's sage advice. I was engaged and very happy. A new executive came to my company. I admired, respected him enormously. He was superior manager and leader. My admiration developed into what I thought was love. I never expressed this to him and for two years made sure I was never alone with him. One night at a company event he told me he was in love with me and couldn't stay with his wife. I almost fainted. Like you I doubted if I truly loved my finace, I thought this man must be who I should be with, it was bashert. Especially since all this evolved w/out physical contact. I broke up my enagament and he left his wife. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Not only did it damage all involved it almost destroyed my life. G-d and my Chabad Rabbi got me through it. And G-d in His infinite mercy sent me some else. But I cant emphasize enough how horrible it was. Dont do it. May G-d give you strength.

Anonymous
Dallas , TX

July 21, 2009

married men

When I was single it was abhorent for me to even think of dating a man I knew was married. Not only does it break a commandment, but you are breaking the hearts of the children and wife of the man's family. How selfish can you be? Love, Love what does it mean? It takes time to fall in love. If you have sex with someone you are in sex with him not in love with him. Grow up!

Anonymous

October 27, 2008

widowed and falling in love with a married man

I was widowed in February this year after 43 years of marriage. I have fallen for a Jewish (I am Jewish also), man who made the first advance to me and I am now totally devastated. He is married and only wants to see me occasionally on his terms. I have fallen in love and I am still grieving for my husband and broken hearted about this other man. I feel I am going crazy and I know it is totally wrong, but he got me at a time when I was low and vulnerable - he is younger than me and I guess really to him its a game. I am totally consumed by him and would never hurt his family but I can't stop thinking about him and I can't eat can't think just can't operate anymore what to do. I feel G-d of course would not be happy with this terrible state of affairs but I just can't seem now to get over this obsession that is consuming my life. I don't know what to do - I look at tablets at night and think after all this time shall I just stop the pain of being lonely without my husband

Anonymous
Perth, Australia

October 5, 2008

The Victim

We all have advice about what should be done, but has anybody ever thought about the other party, the one being left behind, being kept in the dark. What about the kids, their lives will be put in turmoil because you can't control your own mind. Yes I'm going through that right now, my wife is in love with a married man and she treats us like crap because of it, yes I'm on my way out of this but my daughter is wondering why her mom won't be in her life forever. What do I tell her when she starts to believe that she's not loved, and no matter what anybody says we know that feeling will come.

Anonymous
Honolulu, Hi

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