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3 Comments Posted

I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?

By Aron Moss

Question:

Dear Rabbi,

I am having a problem with a friend of mine. There seems to be an attraction between us that I don't want there. I love my fiancé and don't want to be distracted or hurt our relationship. There is potential for a lot of hurt with this situation, especially considering that my friend's wife is also a close friend of mine.

Anyway, it's a big tangled web with lots of spiders and I don't know how to get out. If my love for my fiancé is true, how could this attraction be so strong?

Answer:

True love doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone else. And being attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you don't love your fiancé or that he isn't your true soul-mate. All it means is that you are human.

We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves -- that when I meet Mr. Right I will only have eyes for him. But reality is not like that.

You can be happily married for years - even to Mr. Right - and still become attracted to someone else. You can't control that; it is instinctive. What you can help is what you do about it. You are not forced to act on your instincts. You can't always control what you feel, but what you do about those feelings is totally in your court.

If you are committed to your fiancé then you have to be exclusively his. That means that you put your relationship with him in front of any other concern.

This may mean that you cannot continue to socialize with that other person to whom you are attracted. Even if it means a rift in your friendship with his wife, what is more important - your future marriage or your relationship with her? This may be a difficult move, but if you don't do it you are running the risk of needlessly harming four lives.

You are facing an important test. Your loyalty and commitment are being challenged. The question is: will you do what you feel like doing or what you know is right?

See this as an opportunity to take your relationship with your fiancé to a whole new level. Show yourself that although your faithfulness is being strongly challenged, the depth of your commitment to him is stronger still.

3 Comments Posted

By Aron Moss More articles... |

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia.

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Reader Comments
Latest Comments:

Posted: May 20, 2008

Personal Boundaries

Sometimes we cannot avoid these situations with our neighbors. While I was married, I enjoyed being a very affectionate friend with my neighbors, not realizing that this behavior can send mixed signals. As a woman going through a divorce, I have learned to be somewhat more guarded about my affection with men. Despite my best efforts to refrain from encouraging any of their attention, many married men in my new neighborhood began volunteering assistance to my children and I under the guise of "being a good neighbor" only to catch unwelcome glances or their unplanned visits while their wives are out. "Yetzer Hara" and "Yetzer Ha Tov" decisionmaking ability is within each of us. Our inclinations to indulge ourselves when we feel overwhelmingly neglected must be tempered by our ability to focus our attention elsewhere. Every artist has it's muse; people can learn how to paint, write a song or put those thoughts into a work of nonfiction; distance from the attraction lessens the pull.

Posted By Anonymous
via chabadofparkland.com

Posted: Dec 9, 2005

But what if the opposite is true? What if this is a test of the opposite meaning? What if two people constantly in contact by chance and the feelings are real and get stronger as you try to forget them? Wouldn't one be more true to oneself and all else involved if those ties are recognized now before there is a marriage based and started on doubts and lies? That only leads to future divorce. This transends sex, it's on the plane of spiritual.

Posted By Anonymous
via chabadneworleans.com

Posted: Apr 21, 2005

Sexuality

I am very taken aback by the advice you gave this individual. You validated the emotions, not denying anything and then proceeded to very sensitively explaining the choice she has. You didn't tell her what to do you merely clarified what was before her. You dealt with the reality.
In this day and age, where so much is about illusuions including religious enviroments where denial seems to be rife, where denial and supression, thinking "we shouldnt have these emotions, feelings" is really the Yetzer Harah that causes so much strife and unhappiness. Truly this article was an inspiration and a sanctuary.

Posted By Anonymous, Jerusalem, Israel