Why Are All the Good Husbands Already Taken?

Question:

Here is the dating paradox: Why are all the good guys already taken? Why are my friends' husbands all such wonderful people, and the guys I meet all seem to be missing something?

Answer:

It's not that the good guys are taken--it is that a "taken" guy is more desirable. Loving and being loved brings out the best in us. So a guy in a relationship does have something that the available guys are missing--someone to love.

A painting will always look better once it is framed and hung on the wall. A couch is far more attractive in a home than in a showroom. And people are more beautiful when they have found love. The human soul is only truly itself when it has opened up to someone else.

When we love someone, we are more alive. Our feelings are more vivid, our sensitivity is heightened and our personalities flourish. When we are loved by someone, we feel more confident and free, content and complete.

We can share love with our family and friends, but until we find our soulmate we are only half a person. It is when man and woman come together that they are the image of G-d, they are complete.

You can't go furniture shopping in someone else's living room. And you can't compare the guys you date to your friends' husbands. A complete person doesn't need you. A half seeking their missing half does.

Feel your halfness, and recognize the halfness in another. Then you'll find there are plenty of wonderful guys out there. One is waiting for you. Without you, he's only half the guy he could be.

By Aron Moss

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

More articles by Aron Moss | RSS

The content on this page is copyrighted by the author, publisher and/or Chabad.org, and is produced by Chabad.org. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with the copyright policy.

E-mail

Sort By:

NewestOldest

July 4, 2008

why are all the good ones taken?

I think your expectations are way too high. Everyone has flaws, but try to see positive traits about him. Of course in a realistic way. I am sure your friends have good husbands, but they also work out their differences in private.

yamille
anaheim, ca, usa
campsgi.com

April 23, 2008

george in switzerland
you are correct...anyone who is not able to have happy moments in their own space will not enhance the life of others.
if one has a sense of self ...if one has a good sense of Hashem , one will have the joy of meeting and being with ones bashert..
there is no doubt..ask of yourself what is your deepest intention and deepest desire:
life
love
charity
forgiveness (a gift to oneself)
whole health
peace
friends
laughter
prosperity
again be frightfully honest here...the world is ever changing and we must change with it ...
your unique true self with no facades and the goodness of your heart will attract your special other...
no matter what it (your life)looks like ..at the moment...be willing to .separate illusion from reality and live honestly and with faith...
we are all children of the creator...
chag sameach
G d Bless

Anonymous
montreal , quebec

April 22, 2008

Why Are All The Best Guys Already Taken?

I hear this all the time, and it's NOT true! They're just hard to find. Dating is NEVER easy, and if you're marriage-minded, it can be even harder if you say anything about marriage "too quckly" when you're in a new relationship.

Don't give up. MOST people have someone for them!

Lisa
Providence, RI

December 19, 2007

Good men

Realistically seen - no one is better or worse than someone else. Most of the marriages break down after 4 years and most of them would never remarry again. Finding the soulmate is as possible as finding one million on the street. So, why not just be a world to yourself - independent of any other human being and sharing nice moments with others? If you cant be happy by yourself youll never be happy being two. Being positive will give positive reactions.

George
1700, Switzerland

July 30, 2007

As for all the good men being taken - There are good men out there. Good women as well. However, it is important for singles to know where to meet Mr or Ms Right. If someone wants an Alcoholic, a Pub is a good place to start. A spiritual woman or man? Perhaps one should get more involved in their Shul. There are always jobs to do, especially around the holidays, for both men and women. Then one may meet someone of like-mind and a good match will be possible. You can see the other person with their family and friends and watch if they treat them with respect and gentleness. You can observe if they enjoy dancing, sing well, like children, love to cook or even tend to drink too much.
The words above were paraphrased from my own Nana who raised me and they have served me well.

Kelly Rae
Sydney, Australia

July 30, 2007

I especially loved your illustrations. When we look at a couple, we usually see them in the best light. All couples have their own set of troubles. Yet if they are complete, with G-d first in their lives, then there is nothing that can break them.

Kelly Rae
Sydney, Australia

May 26, 2007

Why do some see

Always an eternal optimist, I went into my post-divorce life with a great hope for a wonderful (rest of my) life with the man of my dreams. But what I have found perplexing is the pretense that if you ARE single, something must be wrong with you. Hmm. people are single for many reasons. Many of us find ourselves making hard desicions to end a marriage, at mid-life. There truly ARE good people who ARE available? But we have to get over our prejudices about single people ("they're not married, there's probably a reason.") The reason is that people think there's a reason I'm not married. lol
Signed,
Loving, devoted, faithful once-a-wife and wife-TO-be!

Gavi
Commerce, Mi

April 29, 2007

response to chenyenne in long beach

Cheyenne,

It my prayer that each one who reads your response would pray for healing of your marriage and mending of your husband. Remember, we are in the month of Iyar, a most magnificient time for healing! May G-d turn His face towards you and shine brightly on your circumstance. I send love your way.

julie
ellicottville, ny

April 29, 2007

Why are all the good ones taken?

I had the opportunity to spend the weekend with a chabad community in my state and must say that it was one of the most wonderful Jewish experiences I've had! While I refuse to bash all of feminism I must say the women there were very happy and seemed like their husbands treated them well. No, ladies, not all of the good ones are taken we just have to search them out!

Kathy Solomon
Iowa City, Iowa

April 29, 2007

Dating Games

First I would like to say that this was a great article. I am currently married to the person whom I believe to be my soulmate and I believe he feels the same. But because of an exorbitant amount of fear of facing issues from his past, he is dead set on running from me and getting a divorce. Believe me, I have tried EVERYTHING to work things out and am still trying to fight this. My point in commenting on this article though is that the idea of dating and finding a companion for the rest of my life (I am 27) seems unappealing. I just have no urge to play the dating game. Although not perfect, I consider myself to be a GREAT catch. I truly believe there are good MEN and WOMEN out there, but it's probably a large amount of the good ones who don't want to play the game. I always tend to think that the best places to meet people are synagogues, libraries, volunteering, etc. I think how/where you meet someone can say a lot about their character. Best of luck to everyone.

Cheyenne
Long Beach, MS

Show all comments