Madly in Love - Learning & Values

Question

There is a woman whom I knew for a long time. I love her so much, but we're not together anymore. It's been more than a year since she broke off all contact with me. In two months she's getting married. What should I do? I am still convinced that she is the only one in the world for me.

Answer

Your situation is obviously a very difficult one. It is also a dangerous one, because she is marrying another man and you certainly don't want to destroy her marriage.

One thing I must explain to you about what we call "love": The One who created us wishes us to marry and have children. This is His greatest gift to us, for this is how we become most like Himself -- creators of life. But He knows that if we were all sane, controlled people we would never do these things. So, when we get into a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, He arranges for us to go insane and lose all trace of common sense.

This insanity is a very good thing. But the problem is that it has been made to be part of our natures, so it is indiscriminate. Meaning that it can work against us, too. We see, over and over, how destructive this wonderful insanity can sometimes become.

You are young. Like they say in America, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Especially wonderful Jewish girls. My advice: Save your beautiful insanity for another one. Let this woman marry and raise a family in peace. And you will merit to do the same.

By Tzvi Freeman

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman, a senior editor at Chabad.org, also heads our Ask The Rabbi team. He is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to Earth. To subscribe to regular updates of Rabbi Freeman's writing, visit Freeman Files subscription.

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September 5, 2007

This article is true

This article does ring true, The movie the Matrix-Revolutions pointed this out. The character Trinity was trying to rescue the man she loved (Neo) from a trap and the man who could help her (The Maravengian) refused so she took serious measures to secure his release. The Maravengian noted that the patterns of response (love) in her were identical to the Patterns of insanity. That to me speaks volumes.

Anonymous
Los Angeles, CA

September 3, 2007

Easy escape

Love is not insanity. The lack of love is insane. When we misbehave, when we go out of control in a story, it is not love that guides our actions, it is the lack of love - towards our partner or towards us. I think defining love as insanity is dangerous, as it provides us with an easy excuse for whatever happens in a couple's story. And this is not true. It is our selfish, weak and insecure being that drives us insane, not our love.

Anonymous

August 31, 2007

Spoke to my heart.

I just got out of a serious relationship & the breakup was horrible! "Insane" is the best word to describe both the beginning & end of that ride, but best describes both our actions during the break-up. Love is the most powerful human emotion. It can create life & destroy just as a weapon. My actions during the break-up, again "insanity" best describes my actions. Thanks for this great insite, helps me understand my actions in a better light. Not saying they were just/correct/G-dly in anyway or by any means am I trying to rationalize, I'm just saying it's good to hear s complete strangers insite perfectly explaining & decribing what I could not this entire week. This will def help me have a restful & peceful Shabbos. Toda & Shalom!!!

Anonymous
OKC, OK

August 29, 2007

Madly in Love

"Madly" seems appropriate as it sounds as though you are mad that things did not and are not going the way you think it should be. OK, that's fairly normal, but not healthy. Next I counted three "I"s and one me in your brief letter...something to think about. "she broke off..." She has that right, no? I'm not trying to be hard on you it's just that you need to wake up from a day dream of your own creation. It is all your dream not hers.

I really don't think G-d is in the habit of letting perfect matches go astray. It's written that that is exactly what He spends a lot of "time" on now that everything else is created. Stay calm...think...walk....be well and I hope you let us all know how things "turn out "

Joseph 5716
Ct, SA

August 29, 2007

if you really loved /love her, you no doubt want the best for her, and if she is getting married now, then wish her happiness, and pray for their success, and for your ability to get on with your life

you, (and ANYONE else in a situation similar to your's) are a unique person with a unique soul, and if someone else is not madly enough with you in response to your feelings, then maybe that person's soul is not the one for your, and you DESERVE someone who is.

vedaal nistar

August 29, 2007

Is love insanity?

I would be interested in finding where is it written that love is an "insanity" that G-d gave us so that we procreate, and that if we were 'sane' beings we would not make children. Procreation is there also in the rest of the animal world, it's a natural instinct, but there is no marriage or family (if not in a selection of specieswho form long-term couples). In my ignorant mind, love is what makes human beings capable of doing good, is our strenght and our blessing. Love is not only irrationality: the whole being - brain, senses and soul - loves. In a couple, love is what renders the couple eternal, and makes us learn and improve as partners, parents and human beings. And it is for love that one lets go somebody who doesn't want to be with you anymore: the most important thing when you love is the others' well-being. There's nothing as pure as being happy just because someone else is happy, regardless the consequence for us. And this is a present that only love can give.

Anonymous

August 28, 2007

Madly in love

"This insanity is a very good thing. But the problem is that it has been made to be part of our natures, so it is indiscriminate. Meaning that it can work against us, too. We see, over and over, how destructive this wonderful insanity can sometimes become."
how we can control this insanity? how long it lasts? how to go ahead with it?

Anonymous
Panama, Panama