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Is there a rational reason which justifies a lifelong matrimonial commitment? Perhaps not. But the soul doesn’t always play according to the laws of logic.

Why Marry?

Why Marry?


The Call from Within

Why marry? The question is so maddening because there seems to be very little rational reason to support such a drastic move. Whichever way the issue is presented, the obvious cons considerably outweigh any pros which may be suggested. What logic lurks behind a commitment which lasts an eternity? Would anyone in their right mind sign a job contract which contains a binding lifetime obligation, when so many jobs are available which do not require such an extreme commitment? So, why enter a binding marriage proposition? While the marriage contract does contain an escape clause, invoking this clause invariably causes unspeakable pain and emotional havoc. Why not enjoy relationships for their natural duration, and then move on when the eroded passion ceases to justify the maintenance of the relationship? Why would any sane person willingly consent to stick with a relationship even after it deteriorates to the point that it is rocky and challenging at best?

Would anyone in their right mind sign a job contract which contains a binding lifetime obligation?

Admittedly, the improved economic standing of women and the elimination of much of the stigma attached to remaining single have caused the marriage rate to decline in recent decades. Nevertheless, despite the decrease in societal and peer pressure to marry, the latest statistics show that more than three-quarters of the adult population is married!

So why do we marry? According to Kabbalah, the compulsion to rush into a lifelong commitment is an expression of the human soul’s deepest ambitions. The subliminal signals emanating from the soul have caused the logic-defying institution of marriage to be an integral part of the human fabric since the dawn of time. The soul’s desire to connect and commit makes the aspiration for marriage one of our most basic instincts.

What is the soul’s agenda? What does it stand to gain from hooking up with another soul? The mystics explain that two primary considerations drive the soul’s desire to marry: a desire to be complete, and its need to transcend itself.

1 + 1 = 1

In the first marriage ever, Adam and Eve were initially created as a single, two-faced body. The single being was split in two—a man and a woman—and then reunited in matrimony. In the world of souls, the partition and reunification of the male and female components of individual souls occurs continually. Every body is occupied by half a soul, and both body and soul reach a state of completion only when they are reunited with their bashert, their long-lost other half.

The attraction to the opposite sex actually stems from the soul’s innate desire to reunite with its soulmate

The Talmud says that each soul’s bashert (predestined soulmate) is determined before its birth. The two may be born continents apart, with seemingly nothing in common, but divine destiny ensures that everyone’s path intersects with that of their bashert.

[In rare instances, due to external spiritual factors which may intervene, it is possible for people to marry spouses who are not their basherts. Even in such instances, however, eventually the two original soulmates will marry—whether later on in life as a second marriage, or in a future incarnation of the two souls. See Marriage: Destiny or Chance.]

Thus, the attraction to the opposite sex, so often reviled as a weakness associated with base carnal urges, actually stems from the soul’s innate desire to reunite with its soulmate.

Extreme care must be taken not to misuse the sacred and potent power of sexual attraction by expending it in a context other than marriage. See Dating the Jewish Way for more on this subject.

The Commitment Itself Is the Objective

Whereas bodily needs and tendencies are decidedly egocentric, the soul is totally selfless. Commitment without the expectation of a commensurate return benefit may sound absurd when talking the language of the body, but is music to the ears of the soul. The soul’s most fervent wish is to transcend itself. Marriage offers the soul the opportunity to express its altruistic nature.

Marriage is about two souls who put their individual needs aside, and commit themselves 100% to the success of the relationship.

The Ultimate Goal

Aside for the bride and groom’s commitment to each other, Jewish marriage involves an additional two commitments. First, it is a commitment to the continuity of the Jewish nation. Jewish parents raising Jewish children with Jewish values is our nonviolent way of combating the Crusaders, Chmielnicki, Hitler, and all the other bigots who aspired to relegate the Jewish people to the annals of history.

Marriage is also a commitment to actualizing the divine plan which spawned all of creation

Secondly, marriage is also a commitment to actualizing the divine plan which spawned all of creation. G‑d desired a home, and it is our mission to sanctify the world, making it a hospitable abode for its Creator. The ammunition we were provided to accomplish this task are the Torah and its commandments, and the home is the first frontier. Man and woman are the perfect team to implement this plan. When working in harmony, they have the ability to make the home an epicenter of holiness whose rippling waves affect the neighborhood, the country, the world and the cosmos.

Because of the considerable role marriage plays in the actualization of the master plan for creation, G‑d expends considerable time and energy (as it were) on “playing matchmaker.”

“With what is He occupied since [the six days of Creation]?” the Midrash asks. “He is preoccupied with matching together couples,” is the answer! Every individual wedding is a vital piece in the grand puzzle which, when completed, will usher all of creation into its intended state of redemption.

Jewish marriage is about two people who commit themselves 100% to the success of G‑d’s relationship with creation.

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Discussion (36)
February 5, 2016
What can I do if he doesn't want to get married?
I am in a loving relationship, but my boyfriend doesn't believe in G-d and he says the most important thing is to love each other. He was married and got divorced two years ago. He says is not important to get married, but I would like to get married, and that's disappointing. I always wanted to keep the exchanging vows tradition. He doesn't care about that. I don't know if this is a strong reason to break up.
San Diego
December 6, 2015
Soul marriage
My husband and I divorced, he remarried, we had two children together, later I had another child. Conceived before he passed but he never knew I was pregnant. Although we were divorced. Now that he passed away from cancer, I see he was always right n i was just too immature to know. He loved me soulfully. I have never remarried, and the more my soul learns the more I think I can't because one day our souls will meet again. He only married because he was hurting. She quickly married after his death. Him and I always agreed though we were both hard headed, if the world were in turmoil and coming to an end we would want to stand together. Then I didn't even know exactly what that meant except I knew in my soul. He is not here physically but my souls devotion grows stronger. I miss him! Our young adults need to be taught more about the soul and hold their vows very serious!! There is no death, you are vowing to become one soul together!!
December 5, 2015
By now, Gary probably has another woman in his life. If not, I know he will soon. From my reading of Jewish literature, I understand God to also be a matchmaker. If the first marraige doesn't work out, it's because the right mate has appeared or will appear soon. Good luck, Gary.
ransom place
Greenwich CT
August 22, 2015
How true it is that G-d has placed a soul mate for each and everyone of us. G'd led me to my wife while I was recuperating from a leg injury. We met on line, but never met each other until about a year later. When we met, it was as if we each found the missing part of our lives. I got married later in life I was 55, she was 40, but it made no difference in the world. We both truly believe that G-d brought us together.
D Daly
Salem, ma
June 24, 2015
I entered marriage for life, my ex-spouse thought otherwise- I am divorced a little over a year. In my case my relationship to my kids has changed drastically. Their mom doesn't see the importance of respecting me. The divorce has been 10 times worse than the marriage. My kids seem to adjust-without me, but for me the loss at times is unbearable.

I don't think people go into marriage for life and the end affects not only the kids. I don't believe hashem likes divorce.

June 21, 2015
I think that no matter what at the end of the day each and every soul has that one person they want to see, wake up to , and talk too. you can sleep with thousands of people but no matter what we always end up with one peron , bc of this people get married and that is what a soulmate is
March 5, 2015
is it a sin if someone never wants to get married or dosen't get married and have children?

what does the Torah say about that?

I also heard from a rabbi that women and men do not do well together (at all), but wife and husband were meant for each other.

i believe that relationship with G-d is the most important in all relationships. The closer the couple is to G-d, the better their relationship will be.

tx, usa
January 17, 2015
People marry for many reasons , for children and because they enjoy company of the person whom they chose. I married to help my father , to protect my family. And many times daughters are called on to take on responsibility of the family because a father is in need of help and more than just giving money it was help in many areas that he needed. So that a family which included my grandparents also were provided for. They refused help from other sons.
November 30, 2014
when we are ready. somehow we meet our soul mate. Ashem make it soon Amen.wish you to find yours too Queen. Montreal.
September 20, 2014
If we wait for the most High to match us, we are always assured of a perfect match. We do not have to agree but agreement is not the basis for the perfect match
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