How to Criticize and Other Thoughts On Love

Criticizing another person is not out of the question. It's just that there are a few conditions to attend to before you start.

The first condition is to make sure this person is your close friend. Those are the only people worth criticizing -- not just because they may actually listen, but also since you run a lower risk of making them into your sworn enemies

If this person you feel an urge to criticize is not yet your close friend, you'll need to spend some time with him. Find out everything that's good about him and go out of your way to help him out. Eventually, a real friendship will develop

Also, you'll need to ensure that this person has the same knowledge, understanding and perspective of right and wrong as you do before you can attack his decisions. If he doesn't, you'll need to spend some time learning and discussing together until you see each other's point of view.

Once the two of you are in the same space in Torah and observance of mitzvot, and he's your good friend to boot, then it's okay to criticize -- if necessary. And if you can remember what there was to criticize.

If you have not yet succeeded in fulfilling the criteria to be a critic, yet still feel a necessity to provide criticism, there is an alternative:

Sit and criticize yourself, very hard, from the bottom of your heart, until the other person hears.

If it comes from your heart, it will enter his as well.

There is only one way to bring people closer to Torah, whether your friend, your spouse, your child, or a complete stranger. It is not with rebuke, not with arguments, not with intellectual games -- but by drawing them with thick cords of love, by showing your faith in who they are and with real deeds.

Love can fail, and we must know that it can fail. For if love was always reciprocated, how could there ever be sincere love?

Rather, every person retains his free will. No matter how strong you pull with cords of love in the right direction, he may always turn his back and run away.

But you have done your part, you have shown love. And what is the reward of the mitzvah of love? It is the elevation of your soul, and his soul, and the drawing of the Infinite Light upon all the community of Israel and all the world. It is the entire Torah.