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Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

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Question:

I am in my late thirties and still single. I have met dozens of women, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Answer:

It doesn’t make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?

There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case the answer is simple. You’re married already. You are not available, because you are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary Ms. Perfect. You have an exact picture in your mind of the perfect woman, and you are so in love with that picture that you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the girl is, she can’t compare to your dream.

You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect.

A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can’t have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your imagination, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to someone else. Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the woman of your dreams will stay right where she is—in your dreams.

I apologize if my answer is harsh. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for you to meet her. She deserves it. So do you.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Discussion (57)
May 6, 2014
If it's truly G-d's love you will not see the negative side! By the way when one looks Negative at another they are looking in a mirror at them self! Put your faith in G-d and the negative will cease to exist! Am not saying over look a user or abuser God will expose them if he stays in the middle! Been there done that! Feel safe with G-d in the Middle!!!
Michelle
Fl
May 1, 2014
The Main article
The Questioner says:
But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Your problem is you are full of fussiness.. If someone is 1/2 as good as you want assuming that much, who is to say in time she [or he] won't change and sometimes the two parties can choose to Harmonize rather than to clash ... this is precisely the point of even the best matched people ... Can we blend without losing our unique Identities.... And let us forget that a man is not a woman so much so that a man says a unique blessing for not being made a woman. To go deeper, in the field of sports , we've heard many a winnner say he did this because of his love of a woman ... And let me finish by paraphrasing John F Kennedy Ask not what the other person can do for you, but what you can do for him [or her].
David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay]
Toronto, Ontario Canada
April 28, 2014
The man did not say the body was the perfection he wanted! He is looking for the right woman who will be perfect to him! What the man need do is ask G-d to be in the middle of this love he searches for! When The Lord bring this soul mate there should be NO boundaries for love because with Faith in G-d he will follow G-d's lead and know the relationship is of greatness!!! Just make sure G-ds love is the center of the relationship no matter how challenging selflessness seams!
Michelle
Fl
April 27, 2014
To David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, Ontario Canada
One cannot dispute about taste for a particular body frame. To each his own. However a poll on this issue would give you quite an indication of where the scale tips ! Even on a question of taste there is a pattern as you'll find out to your astonishment. Kindly try to relate to the present context for more relevancy.

Nobody disputes that character differs from woman to woman. This implies that an obese one can have poor virtues as much as a thin healthy one. So why crazily insist on being fat as a result ?

Of course anorexia is at the other spectrum of obesity which are both poor choices. But the middle approach would usually find takers on that cruel multipurpose scale of attractiveness & virtues.

So the idea is to have the virtue of balance with respect to what & how much you eat as much as how you treat your body. The idea of finding "soul-mates" is often traded or even confused with virtuousness when it's raining whales outside !
Shallow Hal
April 20, 2014
To Shallow Hal
You say. Sorry you cannot handle the truth, but obesity is not attractive & will never be!
So you say ... I am reminded that Hashem creates each thing with it's own attraction. and furthermore, Large women were quite in the norm until 1920 when the twiggy look became the rage of the fashion world.
Our sages added a blessing to be said on seeing an unusual variation in the creation ... who makes the variations in the species.
Who knows? Maybe that Obese woman has more Torah true values such as Modesty and care for other human qualities found in Eshes Chayil hymn sung almost every Friday night by her husband and children.
Wait! I'm not through yet. To this day there are many men in those countries that desire a heavy woman ... yet in the so called advanced technological world there is a wild craze to be the thinnest woman around ... Anorexia Nervosa is a result of this.
Finding a Soulmate is NOT just being good looking for the world but only for your zivug.
David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay]
Toronto, Ontario Canada
November 24, 2013
Wi-Fi !
@ NYC Anonym, Sorry you cannot handle the truth, but obesity is not attractive & will never be ! It's funny you should curse me for shooting right between the eyes & not batting an eyelid at that ! Anyway women should know the stark naked truth about this & it might help many of them find a soul-mate or at best someone that would stay around !

My ordeal has made me realize that many women around me are so fat that there's a need to change all that for anything positive & magical to happen ! So I've embarked onto a part-time mission to help bring that change around me & promote healthy nutrition & lifestyle at work by lobbying to change the canteen oily rich menu & time off for physical exercise !

Creating a platform for physical attractiveness enables soul to soul connectivity instead of jamming it for sure ! So like a wi-fi connectivity, the idea is for the two souls in synch to run along side by side instead of one puffing and panting a long way back & losing range & Connectivity!
Shallow Hal
November 23, 2013
seen this movie
"You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect."

Seen this movie......Shallow Hal (2001).....funny!
Lee Boy
Peace Corps
November 21, 2013
nice, direct and helpful
Rabbi Moss' answer was an absolutely great answer. So clearly said. Now if he hears what was said he can open himself up to meet someone he can share a life with. Mazel tov.
Penny
November 21, 2013
marriage
Knowing oneself before choosing a spouse , is very important too.
Both parties having similar core values is much more important than one would think in the long run too, i.e. when you are talking 20, 30 and 50 years of marriage.
Anonymous
November 21, 2013
marry the right one
I will disagree with the author., My husband was 36 yrs old when he got married. He tried very hard to find the right one and flew all over the states, Till he meet me -He had to wait until I came to the States. He saw me and knew I was the right one ( I did not know) and we are celebrating our 25th anniversary. My advice -look for the right one and you will find her with Hashem help.
Gilda
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