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Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

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Question:

I am in my late thirties and still single. I have met dozens of women, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Answer:

It doesn’t make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?

There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case the answer is simple. You’re married already. You are not available, because you are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary Ms. Perfect. You have an exact picture in your mind of the perfect woman, and you are so in love with that picture that you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the girl is, she can’t compare to your dream.

You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect.

A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can’t have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your imagination, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to someone else. Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the woman of your dreams will stay right where she is—in your dreams.

I apologize if my answer is harsh. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for you to meet her. She deserves it. So do you.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Discussion (52)
November 24, 2013
Wi-Fi !
@ NYC Anonym, Sorry you cannot handle the truth, but obesity is not attractive & will never be ! It's funny you should curse me for shooting right between the eyes & not batting an eyelid at that ! Anyway women should know the stark naked truth about this & it might help many of them find a soul-mate or at best someone that would stay around !

My ordeal has made me realize that many women around me are so fat that there's a need to change all that for anything positive & magical to happen ! So I've embarked onto a part-time mission to help bring that change around me & promote healthy nutrition & lifestyle at work by lobbying to change the canteen oily rich menu & time off for physical exercise !

Creating a platform for physical attractiveness enables soul to soul connectivity instead of jamming it for sure ! So like a wi-fi connectivity, the idea is for the two souls in synch to run along side by side instead of one puffing and panting a long way back & losing range & Connectivity!
Shallow Hal
November 23, 2013
seen this movie
"You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect."

Seen this movie......Shallow Hal (2001).....funny!
Lee Boy
Peace Corps
November 21, 2013
nice, direct and helpful
Rabbi Moss' answer was an absolutely great answer. So clearly said. Now if he hears what was said he can open himself up to meet someone he can share a life with. Mazel tov.
Penny
November 21, 2013
marriage
Knowing oneself before choosing a spouse , is very important too.
Both parties having similar core values is much more important than one would think in the long run too, i.e. when you are talking 20, 30 and 50 years of marriage.
Anonymous
November 21, 2013
marry the right one
I will disagree with the author., My husband was 36 yrs old when he got married. He tried very hard to find the right one and flew all over the states, Till he meet me -He had to wait until I came to the States. He saw me and knew I was the right one ( I did not know) and we are celebrating our 25th anniversary. My advice -look for the right one and you will find her with Hashem help.
Gilda
November 21, 2013
Woman of my drams
My male cousin is like that. No matter how wonderful the woman, he would always say "BUT what if someone better comes along?" Needless to say, he has never married. He's over 70 years old and still goes to "singles" events.
Anonymous
Detroit, MI
November 21, 2013
HaShem is Making Another Miracle
We met in congregation six years ago, and I felt affection for him right then. Through the years we kept in touch, due primarily to our careers. When I learned that he was engaged, I sent him best wishes and blessings for him and his beloved to have a long life with many children and much happiness. When I learned his beloved called off the engagement and left him, I had someone wonderful in mind and tried to bring them together. But it just did not happen, neither was interested. One day I woke up and realized I'd been telling people about this wonderful man, his great qualities and love of HaShem, his meaningful work, his kindness and decency, trying to find a good match for him so he would be happy and loved and fulfilled as a husband. And I asked myself, why hadn't I considered him for my own Beloved? That was a big turning point--for both of us. I am so glad I faced my feelings and thank G-d for finding him, every day.
Anna
November 21, 2013
Anonymous from Portsmouth
What a profound understanding! What a novel formulation! Sums up everything there is to say in matters marriage.

Just to add one single thing: it works both ways; what is true for man in relation to his wife is true for a woman in relation to her husband.

Simply delightful. Thanks.
zeynep
November 21, 2013
To second Jack
The soulmate is not necessarily perfect and what's being perceived as 'perfect' is not necessarily the soulmate.

The soulmate simply FITS.
zeynep
November 21, 2013
where is the woman of my dreams
It is mind boggling to read how differently people perceives the concept of "soul mate". Hashem sends signs all the time, but depending on our awareness, we understand it , or not. Fourteen years ago I stood face to face to a man , who was the complete opposite of myself, besides that we didn't have anything in common - nevertheless, I recognized as the other half of my soul. How come? Our only reaction was to embrace each other, and while tears run down freely, he whispered into my ears - it is going to be all right sweety! Two months later we got married , and still have that same feeling running down inside my heart. He sends me 10 times a day msn - "love you, miss you, kiss" all my dreams were fulfilled.
devorah mei
Israel
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