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Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

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Question:

I am in my late thirties and still single. I have met dozens of women, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Answer:

It doesn’t make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?

There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case the answer is simple. You’re married already. You are not available, because you are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary Ms. Perfect. You have an exact picture in your mind of the perfect woman, and you are so in love with that picture that you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the girl is, she can’t compare to your dream.

You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect.

A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can’t have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your imagination, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to someone else. Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the woman of your dreams will stay right where she is—in your dreams.

I apologize if my answer is harsh. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for you to meet her. She deserves it. So do you.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Thomas Salado Collingswood July 13, 2015

All I need to do is to learn how to convince the other person that I am the man of her dreams. Reply

Jack Midland Park June 5, 2015

The woman of your dreams The woman of your dreams does not exist. Get real. Reply

Anonymous Nunya June 4, 2015

I think that the worst thing about accepting fat people is the idea that you with your tiny unseen flaws are acceptable by no one else but a fat person in their apparent shame. It is your knee jerk reaction to reject the fat one and find a thin one that shares your fears. Thus another unhealthy relationship is born as you refuse to admit to your own faults and share nothing else in common with this other apparently flawless person. Reply

Thomas Salado Collingswood March 30, 2015

A first and last wife for as man of 70, I want a Mensch. Is it ok to want a Mensch for a mate? Plus sized is better but skinny is very good. Good looking is better but plain looking is very good. How smart should she be? Zero to 10 children is ok. Will she say "You nave never been married, Go away"? My dream woman and I would share respect, liking, and then loving each other. How do I find her? Please tell me what you think. Reply

Anonymous CDA ID February 9, 2015

Sorry Shallow Hal should be NYC. Women as they become older have a very hard time keeping the pounds off. Like I said, I play racquetball and swing dance. I don't know if you have ever played racquetball, but if you did or do, it is like a very intense game of tennis. Lots of cardio and muscle use.

I also watch very closely as to what I eat. So, I was not making any excuses I was just stating the facts. Unless I workout 24/7 I will remain the weight I am. Since I usually have a full time job, I do not have 24/7 to work out.

Here is an example for you: My sister several years ago looked great. She had the same attitude about heavier women. It turns out, she was anorexic and now has health issues. Along with her minor health issues, she has just finished a bought with breast cancer. Her hormones are all messed up. She weighs more then she ever has. She now understands my weight loss issues. She has found out, hormones can cause weight gain. She now understand hormone issues, age, and weight issues. Reply

Shallow Hal February 8, 2015

TO CD, ID Far from being judgmental, I was just stating the facts and reality as it is. Obese women however relatively their golden hearts win hands down against the slimmer women apparently are still not getting it.

For some people not even exclusively women, an extra effort need to be put to watch their weight, their diet and their way of life. That's a good advice for free and free from the politically correctness ethos of the time take it or leave it.

So put your ego aside and start looking at what you need to do to be what you want instead of wallowing in excuses and accusing other people for the obvious. Reply

Anonymous CD, ID January 28, 2015

To Shallow Hal I am not a thin woman but at the same time I am not huge either. However I am larger then the average woman in her 20's or 30's. But being close to 50 I look pretty darn good. My weight has nothing to do with how much I eat or what I eat. It doesn't even have to do with exercise. Up until last spring, I played racquet ball at least one a week if not more. I went swing dancing three days a week, I rode my sport bike, and enjoyed walking. So, my activity level was just fine. So, suggesting overweight women do not take care of themselves just seems harsh and judgmental. Men need to look at the heart of women instead of looks all the time. There are some very G-dly women out here who would be great wives according to scripture. Just saying..... Reply

Michelle Fl May 6, 2014

If it's truly G-d's love you will not see the negative side! By the way when one looks Negative at another they are looking in a mirror at them self! Put your faith in G-d and the negative will cease to exist! Am not saying over look a user or abuser God will expose them if he stays in the middle! Been there done that! Feel safe with G-d in the Middle!!! Reply

David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, Ontario Canada May 1, 2014

The Main article The Questioner says:
But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Your problem is you are full of fussiness.. If someone is 1/2 as good as you want assuming that much, who is to say in time she [or he] won't change and sometimes the two parties can choose to Harmonize rather than to clash ... this is precisely the point of even the best matched people ... Can we blend without losing our unique Identities.... And let us forget that a man is not a woman so much so that a man says a unique blessing for not being made a woman. To go deeper, in the field of sports , we've heard many a winnner say he did this because of his love of a woman ... And let me finish by paraphrasing John F Kennedy Ask not what the other person can do for you, but what you can do for him [or her]. Reply

Michelle Fl April 28, 2014

The man did not say the body was the perfection he wanted! He is looking for the right woman who will be perfect to him! What the man need do is ask G-d to be in the middle of this love he searches for! When The Lord bring this soul mate there should be NO boundaries for love because with Faith in G-d he will follow G-d's lead and know the relationship is of greatness!!! Just make sure G-ds love is the center of the relationship no matter how challenging selflessness seams! Reply

Shallow Hal April 27, 2014

To David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, Ontario Canada One cannot dispute about taste for a particular body frame. To each his own. However a poll on this issue would give you quite an indication of where the scale tips ! Even on a question of taste there is a pattern as you'll find out to your astonishment. Kindly try to relate to the present context for more relevancy.

Nobody disputes that character differs from woman to woman. This implies that an obese one can have poor virtues as much as a thin healthy one. So why crazily insist on being fat as a result ?

Of course anorexia is at the other spectrum of obesity which are both poor choices. But the middle approach would usually find takers on that cruel multipurpose scale of attractiveness & virtues.

So the idea is to have the virtue of balance with respect to what & how much you eat as much as how you treat your body. The idea of finding "soul-mates" is often traded or even confused with virtuousness when it's raining whales outside ! Reply

David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, Ontario Canada April 20, 2014

To Shallow Hal You say. Sorry you cannot handle the truth, but obesity is not attractive & will never be!
So you say ... I am reminded that Hashem creates each thing with it's own attraction. and furthermore, Large women were quite in the norm until 1920 when the twiggy look became the rage of the fashion world.
Our sages added a blessing to be said on seeing an unusual variation in the creation ... who makes the variations in the species.
Who knows? Maybe that Obese woman has more Torah true values such as Modesty and care for other human qualities found in Eshes Chayil hymn sung almost every Friday night by her husband and children.
Wait! I'm not through yet. To this day there are many men in those countries that desire a heavy woman ... yet in the so called advanced technological world there is a wild craze to be the thinnest woman around ... Anorexia Nervosa is a result of this.
Finding a Soulmate is NOT just being good looking for the world but only for your zivug. Reply

Shallow Hal November 24, 2013

Wi-Fi ! @ NYC Anonym, Sorry you cannot handle the truth, but obesity is not attractive & will never be ! It's funny you should curse me for shooting right between the eyes & not batting an eyelid at that ! Anyway women should know the stark naked truth about this & it might help many of them find a soul-mate or at best someone that would stay around !

My ordeal has made me realize that many women around me are so fat that there's a need to change all that for anything positive & magical to happen ! So I've embarked onto a part-time mission to help bring that change around me & promote healthy nutrition & lifestyle at work by lobbying to change the canteen oily rich menu & time off for physical exercise !

Creating a platform for physical attractiveness enables soul to soul connectivity instead of jamming it for sure ! So like a wi-fi connectivity, the idea is for the two souls in synch to run along side by side instead of one puffing and panting a long way back & losing range & Connectivity! Reply

Lee Boy Peace Corps November 23, 2013

seen this movie "You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect."

Seen this movie......Shallow Hal (2001).....funny! Reply

Penny November 21, 2013

nice, direct and helpful Rabbi Moss' answer was an absolutely great answer. So clearly said. Now if he hears what was said he can open himself up to meet someone he can share a life with. Mazel tov. Reply

Anonymous November 21, 2013

marriage Knowing oneself before choosing a spouse , is very important too.
Both parties having similar core values is much more important than one would think in the long run too, i.e. when you are talking 20, 30 and 50 years of marriage. Reply

Gilda November 21, 2013

marry the right one I will disagree with the author., My husband was 36 yrs old when he got married. He tried very hard to find the right one and flew all over the states, Till he meet me -He had to wait until I came to the States. He saw me and knew I was the right one ( I did not know) and we are celebrating our 25th anniversary. My advice -look for the right one and you will find her with Hashem help. Reply

Anonymous Detroit, MI November 21, 2013

Woman of my drams My male cousin is like that. No matter how wonderful the woman, he would always say "BUT what if someone better comes along?" Needless to say, he has never married. He's over 70 years old and still goes to "singles" events. Reply

Anna November 21, 2013

HaShem is Making Another Miracle We met in congregation six years ago, and I felt affection for him right then. Through the years we kept in touch, due primarily to our careers. When I learned that he was engaged, I sent him best wishes and blessings for him and his beloved to have a long life with many children and much happiness. When I learned his beloved called off the engagement and left him, I had someone wonderful in mind and tried to bring them together. But it just did not happen, neither was interested. One day I woke up and realized I'd been telling people about this wonderful man, his great qualities and love of HaShem, his meaningful work, his kindness and decency, trying to find a good match for him so he would be happy and loved and fulfilled as a husband. And I asked myself, why hadn't I considered him for my own Beloved? That was a big turning point--for both of us. I am so glad I faced my feelings and thank G-d for finding him, every day. Reply

zeynep November 21, 2013

Anonymous from Portsmouth What a profound understanding! What a novel formulation! Sums up everything there is to say in matters marriage.

Just to add one single thing: it works both ways; what is true for man in relation to his wife is true for a woman in relation to her husband.

Simply delightful. Thanks. Reply

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