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Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

Where Is the Woman of My Dreams?

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Question:

I am in my late thirties and still single. I have met dozens of women, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Answer:

It doesn’t make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?

There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case the answer is simple. You’re married already. You are not available, because you are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary Ms. Perfect. You have an exact picture in your mind of the perfect woman, and you are so in love with that picture that you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the girl is, she can’t compare to your dream.

You have become stuck inside a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So, you haven’t really met dozens of women—you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not—the imaginary Ms Perfect.

A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can’t have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your imagination, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to someone else. Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the woman of your dreams will stay right where she is—in your dreams.

I apologize if my answer is harsh. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for you to meet her. She deserves it. So do you.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Discussion (63)
June 5, 2015
The woman of your dreams
The woman of your dreams does not exist. Get real.
Jack
Midland Park
June 4, 2015
I think that the worst thing about accepting fat people is the idea that you with your tiny unseen flaws are acceptable by no one else but a fat person in their apparent shame. It is your knee jerk reaction to reject the fat one and find a thin one that shares your fears. Thus another unhealthy relationship is born as you refuse to admit to your own faults and share nothing else in common with this other apparently flawless person.
Anonymous
Nunya
March 30, 2015
A first and last wife for as man of 70, I want a Mensch.
Is it ok to want a Mensch for a mate? Plus sized is better but skinny is very good. Good looking is better but plain looking is very good. How smart should she be? Zero to 10 children is ok. Will she say "You nave never been married, Go away"? My dream woman and I would share respect, liking, and then loving each other. How do I find her? Please tell me what you think.
Thomas Salado
Collingswood
February 9, 2015
Sorry Shallow Hal should be NYC.
Women as they become older have a very hard time keeping the pounds off. Like I said, I play racquetball and swing dance. I don't know if you have ever played racquetball, but if you did or do, it is like a very intense game of tennis. Lots of cardio and muscle use.

I also watch very closely as to what I eat. So, I was not making any excuses I was just stating the facts. Unless I workout 24/7 I will remain the weight I am. Since I usually have a full time job, I do not have 24/7 to work out.

Here is an example for you: My sister several years ago looked great. She had the same attitude about heavier women. It turns out, she was anorexic and now has health issues. Along with her minor health issues, she has just finished a bought with breast cancer. Her hormones are all messed up. She weighs more then she ever has. She now understands my weight loss issues. She has found out, hormones can cause weight gain. She now understand hormone issues, age, and weight issues.
Anonymous
CDA ID
February 8, 2015
TO CD, ID
Far from being judgmental, I was just stating the facts and reality as it is. Obese women however relatively their golden hearts win hands down against the slimmer women apparently are still not getting it.

For some people not even exclusively women, an extra effort need to be put to watch their weight, their diet and their way of life. That's a good advice for free and free from the politically correctness ethos of the time take it or leave it.

So put your ego aside and start looking at what you need to do to be what you want instead of wallowing in excuses and accusing other people for the obvious.
Shallow Hal
January 28, 2015
To Shallow Hal
I am not a thin woman but at the same time I am not huge either. However I am larger then the average woman in her 20's or 30's. But being close to 50 I look pretty darn good. My weight has nothing to do with how much I eat or what I eat. It doesn't even have to do with exercise. Up until last spring, I played racquet ball at least one a week if not more. I went swing dancing three days a week, I rode my sport bike, and enjoyed walking. So, my activity level was just fine. So, suggesting overweight women do not take care of themselves just seems harsh and judgmental. Men need to look at the heart of women instead of looks all the time. There are some very G-dly women out here who would be great wives according to scripture. Just saying.....
Anonymous
CD, ID
May 6, 2014
If it's truly G-d's love you will not see the negative side! By the way when one looks Negative at another they are looking in a mirror at them self! Put your faith in G-d and the negative will cease to exist! Am not saying over look a user or abuser God will expose them if he stays in the middle! Been there done that! Feel safe with G-d in the Middle!!!
Michelle
Fl
May 1, 2014
The Main article
The Questioner says:
But I can’t just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?

Your problem is you are full of fussiness.. If someone is 1/2 as good as you want assuming that much, who is to say in time she [or he] won't change and sometimes the two parties can choose to Harmonize rather than to clash ... this is precisely the point of even the best matched people ... Can we blend without losing our unique Identities.... And let us forget that a man is not a woman so much so that a man says a unique blessing for not being made a woman. To go deeper, in the field of sports , we've heard many a winnner say he did this because of his love of a woman ... And let me finish by paraphrasing John F Kennedy Ask not what the other person can do for you, but what you can do for him [or her].
David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay]
Toronto, Ontario Canada
April 28, 2014
The man did not say the body was the perfection he wanted! He is looking for the right woman who will be perfect to him! What the man need do is ask G-d to be in the middle of this love he searches for! When The Lord bring this soul mate there should be NO boundaries for love because with Faith in G-d he will follow G-d's lead and know the relationship is of greatness!!! Just make sure G-ds love is the center of the relationship no matter how challenging selflessness seams!
Michelle
Fl
April 27, 2014
To David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, Ontario Canada
One cannot dispute about taste for a particular body frame. To each his own. However a poll on this issue would give you quite an indication of where the scale tips ! Even on a question of taste there is a pattern as you'll find out to your astonishment. Kindly try to relate to the present context for more relevancy.

Nobody disputes that character differs from woman to woman. This implies that an obese one can have poor virtues as much as a thin healthy one. So why crazily insist on being fat as a result ?

Of course anorexia is at the other spectrum of obesity which are both poor choices. But the middle approach would usually find takers on that cruel multipurpose scale of attractiveness & virtues.

So the idea is to have the virtue of balance with respect to what & how much you eat as much as how you treat your body. The idea of finding "soul-mates" is often traded or even confused with virtuousness when it's raining whales outside !
Shallow Hal
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