We hear a lot about child abuse. It seems that half the people we meet have been abused as children. How could this happen? And what is happening on a deeper level? Traditional Jewish teachings can help us explore and understand these questions, and can help us raise children who know how to live modestly in the world.
Psychiatrists say that children who have been sexually abused will typically have a recurring nightmare: The child is running down a long corridor, panic-stricken, trying door after door, until one opens and is welcoming and comfortable. What is the meaning of this dream?
It means, "There's a door that leads to my room, my space. When that space has been violated, I run from door to door trying to find my room again, because the place that had been mine has become public. It was violated, entered without my permission, treated as if it weren't mine. Now I'm looking to find my room again, my place."
What is meant by "my place"? To a child, "my place" means "my modesty."
Children are born with an innate sense of modesty. Even certain animals will not mate if they don't have a place to hide. That animals can be modest reveals that modesty is innate in some creatures; it's a fact of nature, and not the product of higher values or noble ideology. In human beings, it's a natural instinct. That's why when a child is abused, what has been violated is the child's inborn modesty. A child who is abused as an infant, even if no violence or pain is incurred, will later show symptoms of abuse.
What could a one-year-old child know about ethics or inappropriate sexual behavior? An infant can't tell the difference between what's moral and what's immoral. Yet it's clear that such a child feels violated. What has been violated is his or her modesty.
A woman had been engaged to be married three times, and had broken off the engagement every time. Now she was about to be engaged for the fourth time, and she wondered what was intimidating her each time she came close to marriage.
It turned out that when she was young, her father used to come down to the breakfast table wearing only under-shorts. She remembered being so embarrassed by this, feeling so uncomfortable with this as a child, that the thought of living with another man who might do the same was too distasteful.
She may have been a very sensitive child with a strong sense of modesty. But children have an innate modesty that is easily violated--and that results in trauma.
A man confided to his rabbi, "I don't know how far I should go in trying to make friends with my stepdaughter. It's been three years now and she won't let me near her. When do I just throw in the towel and say, `I quit!'?"
"How old is this girl?" the rabbi asked.
"Fifteen," the man replied. "She was twelve when I married her mother. Why is she so cold to me every time I try to be friendly? What's wrong with the girl?"
"Nothing's wrong with her," the rabbi explained. "A fifteen year-old wants her privacy. You're imposing on her.
"She's trying to tell you, 'You're not my father. I have a father, even if I don't know where he is. I may hate his guts, but that doesn't make you my father, either. So I don't want you walking into my room, and I'm not comfortable having you put your arms around me. I don't want it, and I don't like it. It's an invasion of my privacy, of my modesty.'"
His stepdaughter felt violated not necessarily out of an understanding of sexual ethics, but out of her innate sense of modesty. A door was opened that should have remained closed; a border was crossed that should have remained inviolate.
A woman had an eight-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. One night her daughter came crying to her, saying, "Mike and I were talking in my room, and he began touching me." The woman called the police, threw her husband out of the house, took her daughter to counseling, and began divorce proceedings.
Rather than the long, gut-wrenching discussions with her daughter about sexuality, the facts of life, and the perversions of some men, the woman should have said to her, "It was immodest, and it was wrong." She should have told her husband from the start "You have no business being in her room." Her husband was not allowed to be there alone with his stepdaughter, even if he were Moses. The violation that occurred didn't begin when the stepfather touched the girl. It began when he walked into the room. The problem was not perversion; the problem was immodesty.
In ancient times, it was acceptable for a man to be sexually attracted to a young girl, as long as he made her his wife. It wasn't a perversion then and it's not a perversion now. To be attracted to a thirteen-year-old girl is not abnormal, but to follow through by actually having sexual relations is a crime, and a serious breach of modesty.
It doesn't make sense to say that any man who has a sexual attraction for a thirteen-year-old girl is a pervert, when both of their great-grandmothers may have been married and bearing children in their early teens. Some of the most holy and pious women throughout history had their second child by the time they were fourteen. Were their husbands perverts?
As long as there have been human beings, human beings have had sexual desires for what they may not have. To be aware of the sexual possibilities inherent in every relationship is not sick; it's a mark of humanity.
We need to remember that this is G-d's world, and He created many nice things in it. Some of them he lets us have, and some things we can't have because they aren't ours to have.
When G-d created Adam and Eve, He told them, essentially, "You will be tempted by what you may not have, but if you indulge, that's a sin" (Gen. 2:17). Not a perversion. Not a sickness. Not an addiction. A sin.
G-d never said, "Don't be a pervert." There's no such commandment in Scripture. What He said was, "Be modest, and keep your hands to yourself." You may call a sin a perversion because it perverts G-d's plan, but it is not a perversion of human nature.
Whether one's attraction is to a married woman, or to one's mother, or to a child, it is normal, natural sexuality. But it is a sin--natural, but not allowed--because it violates G-d's commandments.
To call sexual misbehavior a perversion of human nature is a failure, a moral failure; you would be choosing a medical objection over a moral one. And for immorality, there is a moral answer: Modesty. Modesty is the only answer.
Laws, in any society, aren't intended for deranged people who are out of control. Likewise, the commandments in the Bible are for normal, healthy people who might be tempted to do what G-d says not to do. Why does G-d prohibit some acts, while allowing others? We can only guess. But disobeying the laws of modesty should not be called a disease. It should be called what it is: immodest and immoral.
Therefore, an adult who is attracted to a child should treat that attraction the same way he treats any other physical attraction that is off-limits: It's a normal, human sexual attraction that is immodest and prohibited.
In our society, we deny the sexuality of children. But Judaism does not deny it. For that reason, regarding sexual abuse, we make a radical suggestion: "Don't call it `child abuse.'"
It is abuse, but the abuse that occurs, the violation, has very little to do with the fact they are children. In sexuality, as in all other things, every human being has a threshold. Every person who is sexually overwhelmed is violated. Whenever abuse occurs, whether to an adult or to a child, someone is made forcibly aware of a level of sexuality that is too much, that is overburdening mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Sexual abuse is wrong; it's hurtful, and it's devastating. But it's as hurtful and devastating to a twenty-year-old as to a three year-old. And it's just as immodest.
It's a myth in our society that children are so innocent that they cannot arouse sexual attraction. Modern studies confirm what the ancients knew all along, that sexuality exists at every stage of development, even in newborns. Yet in spite of the evidence, when it comes to the realities of our behavior, we make believe it isn't there.
A photograph was released to newspapers all over the world showing a leading religious figure watching teenage girls in a gymnastics performance. He was watching from a special seat set up for him and seemed to be enjoying the spectacle very much. Yet the same religious figure would never have considered watching adult women perform.
Why would his followers release such an embarrassing photograph? Certainly not to show their leader to be a lecherous pervert. They believed that watching teenage girls exercise in tights and leotards was innocent, without sexual overtones. But who are we kidding? For all intents and purposes, these young girls were women. We make a mistake if we pretend that children are asexual.
That's why to say to a child, "You have a right not to be abused," is nonsense. Even worse is, "You have a right not to be touched by someone you don't want touching you." What about the child who wants to be touched? It happens. Very often the child cooperates, not expecting to encounter adult sexuality.
That's how a child becomes a victim of pornography. It almost invariably happens very slowly, gradually, imperceptibly.
First there's a little immodesty, and then the adult, usually a trusted friend or relative or neighbor, might take a few liberties. The child might not think it's so terrible, especially if he's seen something like it at home, in magazines, or on television. Then the adult may go on to the next step, and the next.
By the time the child realizes there's a problem, the problem is no longer immodesty; it may be pregnancy. Or violence. Or kidnapping. And that's much harder to explain to a child than immodesty.
We're afraid to say up front that touching children in an immodest way is immoral; so we skirt the issue by telling them they have "rights." But you should never say to a child, "You have a right to what you want." By telling children that it's up to them, we blur the line between right and wrong, between modesty and immodesty, between moral and immoral.
You should say instead, "This is right, it's modest, and we're allowed to do it. This is wrong, it's immodest, so we're not allowed to do it."
The modesty with which all children are born should be strengthened and encouraged, so that as soon as another child or an adult makes the slightest attempt at immodesty, the child will know that something is wrong, long before the situation be comes dangerous. Modesty is something children need to know for themselves.
We can talk to children about modesty and immodesty without introducing unwarranted, unnecessary and unpalatable adult subjects. Therefore, what we need to do, what we must do, is teach children modesty from a very young age, even before they are old enough to repeat the word.
How do you teach children about modesty?
First of all, begin by teaching them to dress, speak, think, and act modestly, just as they see you, your spouse, and the other important adults in their lives doing.
Second, teach them that the same restrictions that apply to all male-female interactions apply to adult-child interactions: because from the standpoint of human nature, children and adults are equally sexual beings.
What are these restrictions? That a man and a woman who are not married and not closely related by birth should not touch each other, and should not be locked alone in a room together. This includes adult-child interactions.
If modesty becomes a way of life in your home, your children will get the message. Then, even when they're exposed to immodesty outside the home, on billboards, in magazines, on the television, or at a friend's house, they will at least have a definition.
They will know, "This is immodest. It's something we don't do at home." They will know that it's wrong, they will have a handle on it, and they won't allow it to go too far.
Children who are clear about the difference between modesty and immodesty will know to draw the line, will know what misbehavior is long before it becomes dangerous. They'll be able to identify it, talk about it, and deal with the situation, because they know what modesty is all about. They'll want to talk to you about what happened. And because modesty is something you've discussed before, you will know what to say.
What should you say to a child who has already been the victim of an adult's immodesty?
The only truly relevant, honest statement to make to the child is that what happened was immodest. That's exactly what it was. It was wrong and inappropriate. That's something a child can handle.
What you should not do is go into a panic, sit the child down, and give him or her a crash course on Perverts and How to Avoid Them. You will confuse the child by introducing unnecessary subjects.
Saying that the person who did this had emotional problems would be beside the point. It has nothing to do with the trauma the child experienced. Saying that the police will arrest and punish the offender is not enough.
Tell the child instead that the person who did it was not a modest person, and immodest people should be avoided. Remind the child that in your home, in your family, you observe modesty, and that it's best to remain at all times with other people who are modest.
The laws of modesty were given to us because they are necessary, they make sense, and they are effective. Teaching these laws and observing them will preclude most sexual abuse from occurring. If it should occur, G-d forbid, modesty gives both adults and children the tools to deal with the situation. Anyone with a strong sense of modesty will know that something is wrong long before it becomes traumatic, and will be able to talk about what happened.
Teaching children modesty at a very young age can only ennoble their lives, make them more sensitive, stronger, and better protected. We don't need to traumatize them or say, "There are perverts out there who are out to get you." We don't need to scare them by telling them things they are not ready to hear, don't want to hear, and are better off not hearing. Let's teach them modesty instead.
There's a light in the eyes of children who know what modesty means, that isn't there in children who know nothing about it. There's an innocence there and a buoyancy that is lacking in children who "know too much," who have been told the wrong things, and not been told the right things.
In giving us modesty to live by, G-d keeps us sane. By giving us sane laws He allows us to remain light when all else is dark. If we live our lives the way we are meant to, if we teach our children as we are meant to, then that light will shine in our homes.
Simply by living the way G-d wants us to live, we can create a sane environment. And a sane environment is a good place to raise a child.
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