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How To Be a Man That Women Respect

How To Be a Man That Women Respect

The Female Admiration Test

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Man Versus Beast

There’s really only one thing a man needs to do to gain a woman’s respect. He needs to be a man.

The good news is that women want a man. The even better news is that there aren’t many to go around—which means that if you can be one, you‘re at the head of the pack.

What is a man?

A man is a multi-storied, burning furnace withA man is a multi-storied, burning furnace with a cooling system on the roof. a cooling system on the roof. A two legged, upright, impulsive, passion-driven beast with a brain that keeps him in check.

If there’s no beast—well, why would a woman want one of those?

If the brain on top is not doing its job—then what is there to respect?

Which means that being a man is mostly about not being the animal you feel you are.

Men, you get that. Women—I know it’s hard, but you just have to believe us.

Perhaps a woman can be a woman just by being her natural, human self. Having never been a woman, I can’t really say. But I can tell you that a man is someone who is constantly not being the beast that drives him.

The beast says, “I want! Now!” The man says, “I’ll decide.”

The beast says, “Grab it! It’s yours!”

The man says, “Nothing is mine but my own free will. And with my free will, I choose to ignore you.”

The beast says, “Everything is yours! There is nothing else. Everyone is yours! There is no one else. They are all just objects, there to do your bidding!”

And the man says, “There is the Creator who made me and gives me life. There are the people with whom I live and put their trust in me. There is the woman of my covenant whom I respect and love. They are not me, I am not them. She is not me. I am not her. I am a man, and regardless of all the fury with which you may burn, I will act as a man.”

The Fair Maiden’s Hero

“Who is a hero?” asks Ben Zoma in the ancient Mishnah. “He who conquers his own desires.”

Man is made to conquer. The beast inside a man desires to conquer. But the man cannot conquer a thing until he has first conquered that beast within.

The beast remains a beast, a bull, a horse, a goring ox. The beast may desire, but the man is not a slave of those desires. The man must be the one that tells the beast where it can go and where it cannot, where it can look and where it must not, when it should speak and when it should keep its mouth shut tight.

Indeed, the beast is the father of the man.Indeed, the beast is the father of the man. For only once a man has turned his back to his own maddening passions, resisted the rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins, ignored the screaming amygdala hijack, and just coldly walked away, only then has he touched that which defines him most deeply, that which separates him from beast and angel, that which makes him most divine.

A woman desires a man.

But if a man does not know what makes him a man, how can she know that he is one?

If a man can’t leave space for another, why would she want to stand in his presence?

If a man can't stand up to the fight, why should she respect and admire him?

Many are the men who have never been there. Many are the men who spend an entire life barely cognizant of the power that enables them to become a man.

Because it is not easy to be a man.

The Guide to Being a Man

To be an athlete, you need a trainer. To be a man, you need a guide.

Many guides have been written by many great sages. If you’re looking for the most potent Jewish classic on being a man, look in a small book called Tanya. It’s also known as “Sefer Shel Beinonim”—meaning “The Book for the Everyman.”

In Tanya, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, a great teacher and disciple of the Baal Shem Tov, teaches us all we need to know about our beast inside. True, the guide is for both men and women. But once you see the advice it contains, it is hard to imagine how anyone could be a man without knowing its teachings well.

In Tanya, the authorTo deny the power of the beast over your heart and mind is the height of conceit. To surrender is the height of foolishness. teaches: To deny the power of the beast over your heart and mind is the height of conceit. To surrender is the height of foolishness.

So that life is an ongoing wrestling match. The beast will never throw in the towel. It will grow stronger each day, devising yet more strategies to escape its reins, taking yet more devious gambits to declare victory over you.

Your principal strategy is to ignore its wails and tantrums. But the beast is stronger than the man. To win, you need a fire yet more fierce than the fury of the beast. You must find the divine fire from beyond that breathes secretly in a hidden chamber within your heart.

That is your mission. That is why you were thrown into this ring. So that each day, with that fire, you will bring your beast as an offering upon an altar of divine light.

No wonder a woman admires a real man. The One who made him admires him even more.

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman, a senior editor at Chabad.org, also heads our Ask The Rabbi team. He is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to Earth. To subscribe to regular updates of Rabbi Freeman's writing, visit Freeman Files subscription. FaceBook @RabbiTzviFreeman Periscope @Tzvi_Freeman .
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Louise Leon PA, USA November 12, 2017

As in all else, a man (or woman for that matter) will only strive to change from a beast to a human if he/she accepts that this change benefits the person. If one believes that he/she is always right, the beast remains intact. And the "heck" with the rest of the world ! Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 12, 2017

I agree. Respect, is earned as with honesty and the ability to talk through problems and seek answers.
So many relationships fail through not talking, I write on family law.
A man does not need to prove himself a man, by being aggressive.
My father had medals for courage and bravery. He like many others fought for freedom and justice. My father, was gentle and caring, loved cooking and his garden. I can honestly say, I never saw the beast in him. Yet I respected and loved him. Reply

Rosanne Stinchcombe UK. November 10, 2017

Well done and so true . God made man to be the head of the family , but how can he direct his wife and children , if he cannot direct himself ? By this I do not mean that he proves himself by bullying or oppressing his wife / children - just the opposite . In fact by controlling himself , he gives honour to not only himself , but also his partner and children . Thanks - a Christian lady and observer . Rosanne Reply

Anonymous November 6, 2017

How beautiful.
As I was reading, I just couldn’t help but think... Man + Gd is stronger than Beast.
Gd helps us overcome Beast.
I would however disagree with one part (maybe it’s because I’m a woman)— I disagree that Beast gets stronger and stronger. From my experience (and I’m speaking only from experience) once you have Gd on your side and are able to move forward on the right path, for enough time, you grow. You change. And you become an elevated being which is much less part Beast.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t undersestimate the beast. :)

Thank you for this. It was beautiful. Makes me have newfound respect for the upright men in my life (and I’ve been fortunate with many) Reply

Kris November 7, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

I agree. The Beast only gets stronger if you feed him. Reply

Richard BonneyLake November 6, 2017

The question can be placed as does the animal inclination(human) need more than intellect to conquer his or hers evil inclination? I think this is why we love our children so much in most cases because they show their parents the future of ideally managing poor behaviors. I pray to Hashem for Israel or for the future? I pray to be part of both because that is what engages my intelligence for it's survival. Reply

YY Israel November 6, 2017

Some of these comments are really ridiculous... There's a whole "Women's Section" on this site, and certainly an insurmountable number of articles more from a woman's perspective than a man's (don't even get me started on the fact that they are NOT the same--feminine vs masculine perspective), and here is finally an article emphasizing the masculine side of the coin (note the two lines of introduction to the article...), and some have the audacity to complain that he's not looking out for the women! Reply

ZZ Here November 12, 2017
in response to YY:

Here, here! I do say!! Reply

Sabus Berlin, Germany November 5, 2017

Tzvi, you realy serves as cable that we tap the current. This is a very good one. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 4, 2017

Anon. I think women do that as well. We struggle with the rights and wrongs in life. Reply

Shifra Yedida Los Angeles November 3, 2017

You are so so right!!!! Reply

Anonymous Davis via sacjewishlife.org November 3, 2017

This is new info to me about what it means to be a man. And, very attractive... Reply

Anonymous November 3, 2017

To my sisters: Please HKBH, never ever let my sisters read this. If you do I want you to know that not all men are beasts inside. If you ever find a man who is constantly beast inside and is constantly using nothing but his brain to keep his beast at bay..stay away from him. He may indeed win the war against his beast, but he will loose battles and you won't be safe physically or emotionally. First and foremost a man is human created by HKBH with a special human neshma, a soul, and he is a human who is in touch with his human neshma. Every animal has a brain and every animal has a beast. Every man who is a man worthy of respect is a man who is in touch with his human neshama, and respects others who are also in touch with their human neshama, and seeks to surround himself with those people and help others be the best humans that each individual is able to be. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 6, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

We are all individuals. Totally agree. Reply

RyanC Newport November 6, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

The beast he speaks of is an analogy of the yetzer hara. And he, at the end of the column, states that a man must find the divine fire (Hashem's holy seed within us) to conquer it. I do not see the suggestion that the "man" he is speaking of is using his mind only to fight this beast within.

I think you misunderstand what he is presenting. Reply

anon November 3, 2017

For some, the only key is to surrender the negative side. Surrender the bad inclination to HKBH, to Hashem. Every time, all day long.
"Hashem I surrender this to You"
"Hashem, I am powerless over this and I surrender it to You."
To make oneself bitul and surrender thoughts,desires, images, fantasies to Hashem all the time is a healthy practice. May Hashem help us. Reply

CHARLES Margate November 3, 2017

And of the 6th day G-d created beasts . Reply

ZS Brooklyn November 2, 2017

The real deal! Haven't read a refreshingly honest, and deeply insightful article, such as this, in a very long time. As a woman, I found this information to be very enlightening, and makes me respect the men in my life even

more. Reply

Jane Philadelphia November 2, 2017

Tzvi, where did you get this?

Did you write it? Or did you distill it from Tanya?

Or what? Reply

Tzvi Freeman November 3, 2017
in response to Jane:

This is pure Tanya with life as commentary. Reply

Sabus Berlin, Germany November 5, 2017
in response to Jane:

From wherever and however he got this, we need it. I mean both men and women moreover a master to put our feet back on ground when we are afloat. Reply

Anonymous Port Townsend November 2, 2017

I think this is written by a mature man that understands sin (beast) in both the male and female.
Because it written from a perspective of a man toward a woman it allows the opposit sex to understand the problems a man faces.
We women have our own application of Torah that we must apply to overcome.
The article can not be truly
understood unless you have experienced the maturity of applying His word and overcoming with a good marriage.
Thank you Reply

Anonymous November 2, 2017

I truly enjoyed this articles' message but was disturbed by the accompanying images of a knight fighting a dragon. I understand that those images were simply chosen to illustrate the concept of "man fighting beast". I still don't think it is appropriate to employ imagery based on Avoda Zara.. Just my personal (and hopefully respectful) comment. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 3, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

I understand how you could feel about Avoda Zara. It's important to any Jew to beware of idols of any kind.
As a woman, I fully accept the teaching on the importance of relationships and marriage in the Jewish Faith.
I'm sure you are someone who is aware of the importance of both these subjects.
Good Shabbos, Reply

Sarah Bella Kline St. Louis Mo November 2, 2017

How about women that men respect? Reply

Anonymous November 2, 2017

To have my ba·shert is what my children and I want. They need someone to wrestle with the darkness of this world and come up a hero like Yackov did when he wrestled with the angel. We all can see the sahtan but don't want to become that vicious. It reminds me of a jujitsu snake handler. The snake only senses the heat of one's emotional behavior and the snake handler needs to put the snake back into the basket. Brave, calm, and prepared to face one's fears. Blessed is Hashem. Reply

Craig Hamilton Sandwich, MA November 2, 2017

Given what I know about women is that the best relationship that can result in a healthy marriage is friendship, a friendship that has no other aim than having a good laugh at the end of the day. But, what do I know, both my wife and I have never been married to another person. I have no other kids by any other other woman. Of course she has never had kids with another, because among women, she is the purest I have ever met. I was the first person to kiss, and date my wife. She didn't even go to prom. Reply

Anonymous Atlanta November 3, 2017
in response to Craig Hamilton:

My parents were best friends and had a wonderful marriage. I don't know that a good laugh is the only goal in a good marriage; surely love and mutual support are important too; but friendship definitely makes a difference! Reply

Craig Hamilton Sandwich, MA November 12, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

I don't know that a good laugh is the only goal in a good marriage I was thinking along the lines that a really healthy bond forms in marriage if familiarity starts out of a childhood friendship. This is when there really is no goal in the relationship. For example, I met the woman I was going to marry in 4th grade as an innocent child. My only clue being that ~9th grade my dad told me she would make a good wife for me. That was then. However, things changed, such that eventually she became my best friend, and then things progressed. And, really before that she chased off a girlfriend of mine. At church in my college years I brought a girlfriend to church, and my longtime friend who happened to be a girl got jealous to both of our surprise. Because we had known each other since childhood we knew what we were both about. She knew that I wasn't just a sleazeball. These sorts of interactions can be key. Even if we argue over whatever may be. We are still true longtime friends, and that is the sturdiest bond possible in my mind. Reply

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