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10 Tips the Parenting Books Won’t Tell You

10 Tips the Parenting Books Won’t Tell You

The un-PC guide to being a real parent

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The good news is that they are cute and little. The bad news is that you’re going to have to grow up.

The parenting books don’t tell you how to do that. But don’t sweat it. Here’s everything they left out, in ten simple points:




1. Feed Thyself




Always carry a snack. Not for the kids—for yourself. Hungry parents make lousy parents.

One piece of kosher chocolate can do wonders for your parenting skills.




2. Grow Up




To be a parent, you need to become an adult. Who will teach you to be an adult? Your parents failed. Your teachers failed. Your manager failed. But your child can do it.

Your child, after all, made you a parent—just by being born. Pay real close attention, and you’ll hear how she’s trying to make you into an adult as well.

As Rabbi Chanina confessed, “Most of what I know, I got from my students.”1

Same with your kid—but much, much more.




3. Meditate




When the kids are bouncing off the walls, sit still and do nothing. Close your eyes, calm down and relax. Open your eyes, and all the kids have calmed down as well.

Okay, maybe they haven’t. But you’ll be in better condition to deal with the situation. Works better than chocolate (which you can now save for your grumpy hunger attack, later).

Where did I get this from? None other than the Baal Shem Tov. Kids, he taught, are tuned into your thoughts. If you’re having problems with your kids, fix up your thoughts.




4. Be There For Them




When the teacher calls to complain that your kid is doing lousy and needs help with homework, take the kid out and play catch. He has enough enemies already. He needs a friend.

And when the principal calls you with that “I know you really don’t want to hear this” voice, explain that we’re both on the same side—the side of your kid. You are your child’s only advocate in the world.

Think of Jacob, father 3.0 of the Jews, who called his sons his brothers.2 I’m sure they treated him like a king, but he thought of them as brothers—because he was there at their side to help them.

And so they were at his side, at his time of need, to help him.




5. Listen Up




Good parents talk a lot to their kids. Great parents mostly listen. Especially to the ones that don’t say anything. They need the most listening to.

See what I wrote on this about Abraham and Isaac in How to Be a Father.




6. Modeling




Everything you disliked about your parents, you ended up imitating. Guaranteed, the same will happen with your kids. It’s an instinct. Maybe they’re not imitating you now, but in ten years, twenty years—at some point they will, whether they like it or not.

So keep doing the good stuff, even when they don’t like it. And whatever you don’t want your child to do, don’t do it yourself.

Want your kids to speak politely? Speak politely to them. Don’t want them to yell? Don’t yell at them. Want them to be good Jews? Do Jewish things.

Whatever it is—imagine what you want them to be, and act that way yourself.

And if you fail, admit your failure and make amends. They’ll imitate that too.

Here’s a video of two parents who got that message full blast.




7. Nachas (not the chips)




Nachas is the Jewish word for enjoyment, satisfaction and pride—all bundled together. If you like ice cream, the feeling of nachas is like your entire innards becoming one big vanilla fudge ice cream sundae.

If you want nachas from your kids, the best way to get it is by getting nachas from your kids.

That means letting slide the stupid little things that kids do, and getting a kick out of the cute, smart and beautiful little things they do. Let them see your smile.

For every “No!” there’s got to be at least five hugs, kisses, pats on the back, cheek-pinching, and just plain loving smiles. Kids thrive on your enjoyment of them.

As Ashley Montagu pointed out, no culture provides attention and affection to their kids as do Jews. In English, we don’t even have a word for nachas!




8. Eat Food Together




Want a family? Eat food together.

Shut off the TV. Make a big deal of turning off your cell phone. Set a place where all devices will stay put for the half-hour of dinner time. Including yours. No exceptions—nothing is more important than this time now.

Enjoy each other’s company. Be happy to be with your kids.

Each day, find some story or interesting fact to say at the table. Each week, save stories and neat Torah facts to say at the Shabbat meal. Friday night meals (and Saturday, as well) are your main tools for creating a family.

Never come to the Friday night table exhausted. The holy Rebbe of Rimanov often wondered why taking a nap on Friday afternoon was not one of the Ten Commandments.




9. Bungee Ropes of Love




When your kids morph into meshugana teenagers, hold tight to the bungee ropes. If they know you love them no matter what, they won’t want to do things that will hurt you. And if they do, eventually they’ll bounce back up.

In Tanya, the basic book of chassidic thought, those ropes are called “thick cords of love.” They’re the only way to pull someone back.




10. Be Together




Make family trips. Squeeze into the car together. Take pictures.

Okay, so you won’t get out until 3 in the afternoon. Okay, you’ll spend more time packing, making sandwiches, loading the van, unpacking, etc., than you will spend having fun.

But you’ll be a family, the kids will have good memories, and when they have their own families, they’ll take you along on their own family trips.

But, nevertheless, make sure to have time to take out each child alone. Even if it’s just to run an errand, grab a kid—but just one kid—and throw him or her in the back seat. It’s just the two of you, and that’s what counts.

The Baal Shem Tov taught that G‑d treats each of us as an only child. Our kids deserve the same.






Parenting is not a hobby, and children are not the collateral damage of marriage. These are people’s lives you are dealing with, a Divine mission.

Besides, these are also the people who might one day sign you into some horrible retirement home—or, do things right, and they’ll make you the king and queen of the palace.

Basically, they’re the biggest investment you’ll make in life—the only one that’s for perpetuity.

Invest all you got. You’ll reap the dividends now, and when you need it the most, you’ll cash in big-time, with grandchildren who think you’re the greatest grandparents in the world.

What greater wealth could there be?



Did I skip something? Something that’s not in the parenting books? You can add it right below, in the reader comments.

Footnotes
1.
Talmud, Taanit 7a.
2.
Genesis 31:46. Rashi ad loc.
Rabbi Tzvi Freeman, a senior editor at Chabad.org, also heads our Ask The Rabbi team. He is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to Earth. To subscribe to regular updates of Rabbi Freeman's writing, visit Freeman Files subscription. FaceBook @RabbiTzviFreeman Periscope @Tzvi_Freeman .
Sefira Ross is a freelance designer and illustrator whose original creations grace many Chabad.org pages. Residing in Seattle, Washington, her days are spent between multitasking illustrations and being a mom.
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Yitzchok Deutsch Johannesburg August 5, 2017

Hi,

Please can I have the source of where the Baal Shem Tov writes that kids are tuned into your thought?

Many thanks, Reply

Anonymous NY February 14, 2017

How to parent: Summarry Be a parent. Reply

Ray Whitworth Auckland New Zealand January 2, 2017

Thank you so much I found this sooo refreshing. My 6th child was born last wk and I my self was raised in an Orphanage so had no parent models. I find relaxing and pausing to think hard but wiser by far. Wonderful reading indeed. MR RW. Reply

Anonymous toronto December 22, 2016

Thanks Thanks for these words of wisdom. Some of these are more difficult to do than others, but its all good advice. I'm not Jewish but this advice holds true for everyone. Reply

Anonymous Alabama August 11, 2016

"Keep it up" Thank you, Rabbi! Timeless advice! As my own very elderly father still likes to say when he strongly approves or likes something or another we are doing: "Keep it up!"
May G-d continue to bless you, as your words continue to bless us! Reply

faith lupe d quintana casa grande August 10, 2016

parenting it was very helpful thank you Reply

esther August 9, 2016

classic! can I have this on a poster in my kitchen please?!! Reply

Elize South Africa August 9, 2016

Where is the like sign? :-) I really enjoyed this👏 Reply

Anonymous Baltimore, MD via chabadoceancity.com August 9, 2016

Great Article, 1 Caveat This is a really simple yet insightful article. Sadly, my father never read it. Us siblings joke (to not cry:-), that we're great fathers because of him. We just do the reverse of what he did.
There are many points I could comment on, but I'll stick to one.
The "Caveat" I have is concerning "Modeling", you wrote, "Want them to be good Jews? Do Jewish things."
This must be done the right way. As Fathers we need to remember to always do Jewish things, with Joy, Happiness, & Calmness. I grew up in a fairly standard "Yeshiva Home" but 4 of 5 of us are either not religious at all or barely hanging on. What caused that?
2 examples:
1. Ruining the Shabbos meal because the Grape Juice wasn't cold enough.
2. Forcing us, when too young, & (not too) sick, to go to the longest, slowest Shul, & sit the entire time, or be both Physically & Vebally abused, in Public.
I could go on, but I think it's clear. Let's be careful to Never teach Judaism through Misery, Violence, Shame Or Abuse. Reply

Daphne Florida August 7, 2016

I have been a professional educator for 35 years, and a parent/grandparent. My observations lead me to firmly believe that the most damaging thing to education and love is the hypocrisy. Reply

Ariel CONYERS August 5, 2016

What's un-pc about this? This is all totally reasonable and nothing about it seems not politically correct. Am I missing something? Reply

Tzvi Freeman August 4, 2016

To Chaim Bochner Thanks so much for the reference to the Rimanover! I had heard it mentioned, but couldn't recall the name of the tzadik who said it. I'll add it to the article now.

The second stupidest thing a father can do is to fall asleep at the Shabbos table right after kiddush. The first stupidest thing is to stay awake and be grumpy. It's like an athlete coming to the game bleary-eyed. This is the big night for parenting and family! This is the night to give it all you got! Reply

Anonymous August 4, 2016

Yes!! Yes! A thousand times, Yes! Great article. A few years ago I was surprised when informed I would become a mother. I was advised to finish growing up quick! I didn't understand then; but, now I do! (1) Feed yourself. Yes & btw Lychee is my fave fruit of all. These look delicious!; (3) My kids are a handful! I'd be nuts if I reacted to everything. (4)But while I'm not reacting, since my 'little ones' were older when they came into my care, they need assurance that there is no thing that could ever cause me to remove my love from them and that my love is not conditioned on anything. (5) a parent must listen closely to what highly communicative kids say and don't say and speak to those things.I was amazed to discover their already-sprouted spirituality blossoming!(6-10) Kids can be far away. We use creative ways to communicate. Nachas? No parent on Earth is more proud of their kids than I am of mine. I tell them all the time.Thank You L-rd for these special ones to love. You sure do put your souls together! Wowwie! Reply

Hal Manas Knoxville, TN August 4, 2016

Your Best This is the best thing that you have written and I have read, by far. Absolutely true and absolutely wonderful. Reply

Adam Monsey, NY August 4, 2016

Talking about your children What a great article. So many points.

One that comes to mind for me is talking about the good things children do to others..... In front of them almost as of they are not in the room. It makes them feel loved and valued. Reply

Dafna Grossman Chile August 4, 2016

retirement home My Father in law is about 96 years old and is a widow since he was 78.
When he Was 88 he went to a jewish retirement home and is Was not "horrible". It Turned out to be an excellent choice, he Was Happy again!! Joined the activities, made New friends. He, Who Was never religious, started to Join the Minyan in the mornings and now he wears a kipa all Day ( I still don't understand How or why That Happened). He is older now B''H, he says he is 96, his sisters said he is 98. (They were born in Rumania so it is not so clear)..

Please be careful with your own prejudicial about a retirement home, you can hurt some People. Reply

Richelle August 4, 2016

Wish I had read this 48 + yes ago !!! But I have to admit many of those 10 points my dear parents did with me & my brother . Thank goodness Reply

Anonymous August 3, 2016

Thank you for this insightful article. Can you please post the source of the Ba'al Shem Tov's saying regarding fixing your thoughts if one has problems with his kids? Thanks in advance. Reply

Anonymous New York August 3, 2016

Wow! Wish I had known this twenty years ago - but now is great too! Reply

Sarah Masha West Bloomfield MI USA August 3, 2016

Remember that you are a parent, not a friend. Some decisions you make will not make your kids happy. You are big enough to deal with it.

Be willing to be a bad guy for your kid. When your kid isn't thrilled with friends' plans be willing to "forbid/have other plans" for your child at that time. Your kid will be able to keep face, and her friends will hate you. See above.

Never lie. If you don't want them to know something, tell them that they can't know everything. You can be honest about not telling them something. Doing this will also increase the value of point number 2, because you are not being entirely truthful to her friends, but she knows this is not your usual way. She will know she is so valuable you are willing to go against your usual behavior for her. Reply

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