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My Son’s Short But Very Meaningful Life

My Son’s Short But Very Meaningful Life

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My son, Yisrael Zalman Baruch, was born perfectly healthy and he remained this way until his bris. About two days later, my wife noticed that he was lethargic, not eating normally and his color seemed to change at times from newborn pink to bluish. We were not alarmed because we had heard that infants can turn bluish due to bad circulation. The next day we had a doctor who lives in our building check him out. He said that he seemed fine, that his lungs and heart sounded good. We also called our pediatrician who said that if his lips turned blue we should bring him into the emergency room, which unfortunately came to pass. We rushed him to the hospital. When the nurse looked at my son, she grabbed him out of our hands and hurriedly called over a number of doctors who immediately started to work on him. As they were trying to revive him there was a Muslim couple in one room and an African American Christian woman in the other. When they saw my son and saw our faces, they all started to pray for him. At this point I realized that my son was someone special.

I cannot and will not have my Zalman remembered as a baby who lived for four weeks and died

They did stabilize him and he was sent to the pediatric ICU with a respirator. He had caught a virus called RSV which is a type of pneumonia that 50,000 infants and small children with weak hearts and lungs are afflicted with each year. Before entering the emergency room that fearful night, we had never heard of RSV, nor had any of our family or friends.

While he was in the ICU, there were three other very sick children there. In the beginning, we were told he was going to be on the respirator for a few days so that he could gather his strength. Several times they did successfully remove the tube and, for a short while, he was able to breath on his own and even open his eyes. One day he actually ate and drank and they were hopeful that he was going to be placed in a regular room. Unfortunately, due to his age (which was 2 weeks at the start of this ordeal) he simply didn't have the strength to keep breathing on his own and regressed to the point where he was once again dependent on the respirator. The respirator, although it has its purpose, also has drawbacks, one of which is that the lungs, being in a weakened state, can collapse. With a heavy heart I am pained to say that that is what brought him to the other world.

A person might think it odd that I am writing such a detailed letter. But I have noticed that it's been very hard for people to talk about this, and to console us, so I decided to step forward on my own and tell this story. A person does not come into this world without a purpose. We believe that each individual is here to fulfill a mission. I cannot and will not have my Zalman remembered as a baby who lived for four weeks and died. I would therefore like to relate a few stories about our experiences during his short life.

I invited some of my old friends to the bris, and they joined me for the morning service that was held before the circumcision. Later, one of these friends told me that he had not put on tefillin in four years, and another said that this was his first time in seven years! Already at eight days old my son was bringing his fellow Jews closer to G‑d! While my wife and I were in the hospital, we didn't have a place to sit or sleep near my son, because the ICU is off limits to all parents while the doctors and nurses do reports and rounds. So we slept in the lounge, which was one of the worst things I ever had to do. But as a Jew and a Lubavitcher, I believed strongly that my wife and I were on some type of shlichut (divine mission). I felt that we, as Torah-observant Jews, had to do everything possible to help all those around us. I felt that this was what G‑d wanted us to do. In the lounge my wife and I spoke with many parents and encouraged them and spoke about how G‑d has His ways which we sometimes simply can't comprehend. We brought breakfast for people who didn't have any family or people to visit them. My wife and I prayed by the beds of all the children there, Jewish or not. When a person is in this state you feel everyone else's pain. There Every night in the hospital, my wife went to all the beds and sang this lullaby to all the children were no boundaries, racial or other, and we felt as though all the children were our children as well. The Rebbe always said to put a pushka (charity box), a Chitas (Chumash, Tehillim and Tanya), and the Psalm Shir Hamaalot near the bed, which I did. Every night I prayed and said Tehillim (Psalms) by his side. This helped me immensely. The Rebbe also taught, Tracht gut vet zein gut -- "Think good and it will be good." I repeated this saying often to all the parents and myself.

At times I had great difficulty "thinking good". But even when my son was going through the worst part of his ordeal, I was always surprisingly joyful after saying Tehillim. This shocked some of the hospital staff. I actually rebuked some of the doctors and nurses for coming in stern and grim faced or miserable looking. I said to them, "You have no right to do this! You are G‑d's messengers and you must give all the parents hope that everything will be good. I want to see all of you smiling every time you come into this room." From that day on they made a point of smiling when they saw us. One doctor came to me and said that she admired our positive attitude, and that she felt more positive herself just by seeing our devotion.

My wife is a very special person. Every night when she was a little girl her parents sang her a Yiddish lullaby. Every night in the hospital, she went to all the beds and sang this lullaby to all the children. When she sang this song, all the doctors and nurses waited for her to finish before they went to their patients. It was as if she was healing them herself. Every time I start to miss my Zalmi I hum this song to myself. I was amazed at her strength and her ability to see past all the tubes and monitors and sing. It is truly miraculous, the faith and hope that a mother has.

My son, after more than two weeks, just couldn't hold on anymore and left this world. At first I was angry: how could this happen to us? But when the doctors came out, it completely changed my life. These doctors were the attending physicians and I know that they are trained not to become too attached to a patient. But when they told us that he was gone, they all cried. They all hugged and kissed me. They wouldn't let go of me. I don't want to say this but I feel I have to. When they first told me that he was gone I said to them, "Look at my face and look at my wife's face. I want you to remember how we look. Now go back in there and heal all the other children. I don't want another parent to suffer like we did and to feel this pain."

The only way I was able to get though all of this was because of the way the hospital was when he passed away. It was like thunder shook the floor. All the doctors came out, all the nurses, the parents, the janitors. They all cried and sobbed my son's name as they hugged us and each other. I felt as though my son did some sort of shlichut in this horrible place. I could tell from their reaction that although he never spoke to these people, his pure soul shone through to bring light to the world.

My son passed away three hours before the 30th day of his life, so in accordance with Jewish law, he was not given a levayah (full-fledged funeral) and there was no shivah. People say this is a blessing. But the Rabbis were wise and they knew that a shivah gives people a chance to visit the mourner and to offer condolence and so on. Since there was no shivah I gave a farbrengen When they told us that he was gone, they all cried. They all hugged and kissed me (Chassidic gathering) where a number of people spoke. Hopefully this will help. My son brought people together, as people said Tehillim for him all over the world. This is, of course, very emotional for me and it is hard to write any more, so I will end with this. People might think that after all the praying and after everything we went through, that our faith would be shaken. But just the opposite has happened. My faith and commitment are stronger now than they have ever been.

I have learned that a person should not become completely involved with material things such as cars, houses, money etc. I had great difficulty with this issue until now. But if at anytime throughout this ordeal G‑d would have come to me and said, "Shneur, I will take away everything you own, all of your money, your house, everything in exchange for 1 more hour of your son's life," without a second thought I would have done it.

How else could I deal with this? Being frum (Torah-observant) is not just a matter of action, or the way someone dresses, it is what is within. After seeing what my son did in his short life, I have no questions to the Almighty. As a Jew and a Chassid, it is a parent's dream that his child should live as a Jew, enveloped in Torah and mitzvahs. That is what my son did. Every morning we washed negel vasser with him and every night he said the Shema. So every day of his life he lived as a Jew and a Chassid. I know people who wait their whole lives for the kind of nachas (gratification) that my wife and I received from our Zalman.

People keep on asking us, "What can we do for you?" My answer is: "Do as my Zalmi did, and don't forget his achievement-filled life. Live every day as a Jew for yourself and the world!"


Postscript: This article was written in February, 1997. The Garbs have since brought three more beautiful, healthy children into the world: Kayla (17), Mendy (15) and Ziporah (Ziggy) (10) (ages as of 2015). They are currently initiating a free children's CPR class in Zalmi's memory; if you are interested in sponsoring or volunteering to teach a class, please contact them at sjg770@gmail.com. Upon Shneur & Rochi's request donations can be made to Chabad.org in memory of their son.

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Anonymous Lyon, France April 8, 2017

Thank you so much for your touching and heartfelt sharing! My 4-yr old daughter, my 5th child, is facing her 3rd open-heart surgery in as many years because of a heart malformation and I'm so scared! I'm going to carry your words with me to be strong enough to persevere in hope and positivity for my daughter, for the people around me and for myself too. Reply

Shneur J Garb Teaneck April 14, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

All will be good and she will get a pass on dinging the car and burning the brownies Reply

Shneur Garb Teaneck January 9, 2017

Anonymous Berkeley, CA - Thank You It occured to my wife that it would have been my son's 20th birthday. So much has happened 3 kids 19 , 17 and 12 . It dulls as time goes but. You have no idea how good this makes me feel and to the Chabad.org people who have left this listing up for over 15 years. I pray I can support them any donations should be made to chabad.org Reply

Anonymous Berkeley, CA January 8, 2017

Reading this during shiva I am sitting shiva for my mother. there was so much chesed in her passing and the way everything has transpired, our whole family is very grateful. thank you for sharing Zalmi's beautiful life with us who never met him but are inspired and uplifted by hearing your words. Reply

Sharon New york May 22, 2016

We lost our daughter who lived for 7 hours. This was in 2006. I still haven't thought if she had a tad kid in this world as we all do but I do know that she passed away on the same hebrew date as my father(not same yr). Unless it means
something up there
Thank you for your uplifting letter. Reply

Nathalie Israel February 12, 2015

Thank you Rabbi. My cousin Yoav (Yoavcito) passed away but the memory still remains. Thanks for answering back, just today I saw it. It really touched me to see your response. You are so kind for wanting to write to the parents unfortunately I don't have their email, but I do have pictures if you still want to see some. Where should I send them? Shabbat shalom Reply

Chaviva Battat February 12, 2015

So moved. I don't know you but feel for your pain and am inspired by your strength. May you be blessed to know only happy times and no more sorrow. Reply

Robin Benoff Teaneck, NJ February 11, 2015

An amazing couple that are truly a bracha to all who know them and give chazak to one and all.May you be blessed with many semachot from your wonderful kindelach; ad meah ve esrim Reply

Shneur Garb October 24, 2014

Loav - Baruch Dayin Emes My wife and I read your posting and are very touched . Is there any way you could share some pictures of Loavita Z'L?

If you could find the email of her parents we would send our condolences.

And Yes. Jews may have their differences but when it comes to a child not being well. People will unite and do Mitzvot as you wrote.

My children are 17, 15 and 10 . I never take one day for granted with them . Every Birthday party, Every Shobbos walk or family vacation is precious.

You sound like a very special cousin . Loavita was lucky to have you in her life.

Does it get easier .... Maybe . Do you forget never. Reply

Nathalie October 23, 2014

I just lost a little 7 year old cousin, and your essay helped me a lot. Ioav helped unite the Jewish community of Costa Rica and make it closer to G-d, the way I see it thanks to the teachings of Judaism (and thanks to you for reminding me of this with your essay) some mitzvot and unity would have never happened without Ioavcito's holy soul. Reply

Shneur Garb Teaneck May 15, 2014

Thank you for your kind words Dear Anonymous California,

BH my children are 16, 14, and 9.

We never forget our son Zalmi. Life does go on. We are always moved by any comments made in his memory. Reply

Anonymous california May 14, 2014

what a beautifully told story of Zalman's life. He was a Tzadek. Thank you so for spreading your gratitude and love. Reply

Anonymous Los Angeles April 28, 2013

i cannot read this without tears. The age at death is not relevant. our responses are. B''H. Reply

Gavriel November 21, 2011

Zalmy So now your brother can help you and the future of the Jewish people will always more forward. Hashem has a whole new world waiting to come into being. We must do what's best for Hashem in order for this to happen. Stay strong with kindness do so because that is what is best in life. L'chaim. Reply

mendy garb teaneck, nj November 20, 2011

Zalmy I am the only other son that my parents had, this was about my brother and I am very sad but I know it's for the best. Reply

David Sigal Atlanta, Georgia May 18, 2011

Short and meaningful I am touched by this story and deeply moved. My father was a pediatrician and had many cases like your Zalmi. I can only guess how he might have reactied to your constant cheerfulness and good deeds. Thanks for sharing this story with us. Reply

Anonymous Australia January 16, 2011

Short but Meaningful So glad you wrote down your experience. Who knows how many other lives your son has touched as a result. His short yet meaningful life and the G-dly light of his parents has touched my life. For this I thank you. The Lord is still fulfilling all the purpose of your son's life. Reply

Julian Yudelson Upstate, NY January 13, 2011

My Son’s Short But Very Meaningful Life Will we ever reach the point that we can learn the lessons without the pain?

I doubt it? Reply

Greer Fay Cashman Jerusalem, Israel January 13, 2011

Zalmi z"l If Zalmi had survived, he would have lived a good Jewish life, but many of the things done in his memory might never have eventuated. Perhaps that was purpose in being here - a brief visit to this world to inspire goodwill towards others, to bring out the best in his parents so that they could be an example to others, and to demonstrate that whatever faith we follow, the fate of a baby unites us all.
May his memory be a blessing. Reply

shelly buchanan Omaha, NE January 13, 2011

Beautiful story! Don't know what else to say Reply

chana January 11, 2011

thank you so much Aron Moss wrote an article on a similar topic but it was rejected by some as being simplistic. I think the problem was that it was theoretical. This wonderful empathic faith-ful author has the right to discuss this topic, because he went through it and came through with flying colours. May no-one ever need to go through such a test, but if we do, or know anyone who is, we will know where to come for consolation Reply