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Comforting the Bereaved

Comforting the Bereaved

Nichum Aveilim

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A sacred obligation devolves upon every Jew to comfort the mourners, whether he is related to them or not, and whether he was a close friend or a passing acquaintance. In Judaism, exercising compassion by paying a condolence call is a mitzvah, considered by some of our greatest scholars to be biblically ordained. The Bible records that God visited Isaac : "And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed Isaac, his son" (Genesis 25:11). The sages infer from this verse that God Himself, as it were, was comforting the bereaved Isaac.

It is a man's duty to imitate God: as God comforts the bereaved, so man must do likewise. Consolation is considered a God-like action which all the children of Israel must perform. When, following the destruction of Jerusalem and the decimation of the Jewish people, Isaiah proclaimed God's message: "Comfort ye, comfort ye my people" (Isaiah 40:1), it indicated not merely a recommendation from on high, but a specific mandate obliging the prophet to bring consolation to his people.

The fundamental purpose of the condolence call during shiva is to relieve the mourner of the intolerable burden of intense loneliness. At no other time is a human being more in need of such comradeship. Avelut means withdrawal, the personal and physical retreat from social commerce and the concern for others. It is the loss that he alone has suffered. All the traditions of mourning express this troubled loneliness in diverse ways, covering the spectrum of social life-from the excessive growing of hair in indifference to social custom, to the avoidance of greetings, the minimum social courtesy.

Recognizing this state of mind, the visitor comes to the house of mourning, silently, to join the bereaved in his loneliness, sorrowfully to sit alongside him, to think his thoughts and to linger on his loss. The warmth of such human presence is inestimable. Practiced as the tradition prescribes it, true consolation is the distillation of empathy. The sum effect of the visitation of many friends and relatives, some long forgotten, others members of a community who may rarely have paid the mourner any attention at all, is the softening of loneliness, the relief of the heavy burden of internalized despair, and the affirmation that the world at-large is not a hateful and angry place, but a warm and friendly one. It is a beckoning with open arms for the mourner to return to society. Comforting the mourners, says Maimonides, is gemillat chasadim, a genuine kindness to both the dead and the living.

The purpose of the condolence call is not to convince the mourner of anything at all. This is the time for accompanying him on his very own path, not for argumentation or debate. It is the time for the contemplation of disaster. While the mourner himself may wish to discuss it, it is not the prime purpose of this visit to relieve his fears for the future or his guilt for the past. It is not proper, say the sages (indeed it borders on sacrilege), to impress upon the mourner the inevitability of death, as though to doubt the true purpose and justice of a decree that God issued, but would change if only He were free to do so. It is not seemly, perhaps it is even entirely useless, to assure the mourner that others have suffered similar tragedies, or worse fates, as though by right he should be less despairing. "It could have been worse," is cold consolation. This is a time for subjectivity, for an intensely personal evaluation of life, and the mourners should not be deprived of even this indulgence. Some of the importuning of visitors that "life must go on," and that the mourner should be "thankful that worse did not occur," are well-meaning, but hollow and sometimes annoying expressions.

The strategy of true compassion is presence and silence, the eloquence of human closeness. Sad, muttered words are clumsy openers of the heart compared with the whisper of soft eyes. The comradeship demonstrated by the expression on the face speaks volumes that the ancient bards could not match with mere words, no matter how beautiful. It fulfills at once the mourner's desperate need for both companionship and privacy. It was, therefore, an old custom, unfortunately lost to our generations, for visitors to sit silently on the earth with, and like, the mourner. How magnificent an expression of compassion!

The first principle of comforting the mourners, found in the major codes of Jewish law, is that one should remain silent and allow the mourner to speak first. In many Jewish communities in olden days, the congregants accompanied the mourner as he walked home from synagogue on the Sabbath or holiday, and there they sat with him. How warm the mere physical presence of other human beings How it relieves the sharp sting of tragedy! The classic mourner, Job, visited by three friends, sat with them for seven days and none uttered a sound. Ecclesiastes wisely notes that there "is a time to keep silent and a time to speak." The Midrash (Kohelet Rabbah on 3:5) records that the wife of Rabbi Mana died. His colleague, Rabbi Abin, came to pay a condolence call. Asked Rabbi Mana, "Are there any words of Torah you would like to offer us in our time of grief?" Rabbi Abin replied, "At times like this the Torah takes refuge in silence!"

It is in this spirit that Maimonides cautions visitors that they not speak overly much as, somehow, words have the tendency to generate a spirit of frivolity so contrary to the spirit of shiva. Indeed, the Talmud notes this when it remarks perceptively, "True reward comes to one who is silent in the house of mourning, and voluble in the wedding hall!"

It is true, of course, that it is exceedingly difficult to comfort with warmth and hope and compassion, while sitting relatively silent. Perhaps, that is the reason for the parting phrase of comfort, "May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." For only God can truly comfort, even as He consoled Isaac after his father Abraham's death, and as He has comforted, through the ages, the other mourners of Zion after the tragic destruction of the ancient Temple, and has comforted the exiled, and those who suffered in pogroms and crusades. If the visitor feels uncomfortable in the tension of silence, he may of course converse with the mourner, but-little and wisely.

Laws and Customs

When to Pay the Shiva Call

  1. One may visit the mourner by day or by night.

  2. If possible, it should be delayed until the third day after interment. This advice is given because the mourner's wound is fresh, and the deceased is constantly in his mind. However, if for some reason this cannot be arranged, the visit may be made even on the very first day. Comforting the bereaved actually begins at the cemetery when the mourners leave the grave passing through parallel rows of friends and relatives.

  3. Visitors do not customarily pay condolence calls on the Sabbath or holidays, as these are days when one should not mourn publicly. However, the mourner may receive company and condolences on these days. There may be Shiva visitation on Chol ha'Moed, Rosh Chodesh, Purim and Hanukkah.

  4. If one did not visit during shiva, he should express condolences anytime during the 12 months upon meeting those bereaved of parents, and during the first 30 days for those bereaved of other relatives.

  5. Condolence calls may be paid mourners who have returned to business during shiva (if it was religiously permissible to do so) the same as to other mourners. If the mourner returned to work in violation of the tradition, he need not be visited. He has denied himself the solace of religious consolation.

Etiquette at the House of Mourning

  1. There should be no greeting, either of welcome or farewell. Details of this law may be found above.

  2. It is not customary to speak until the mourner does. One should not speak too much and monopolize the discussion. Conversation in the house of shiva should be in the nature of response to the mourner.

    There is really no need in these pages to chastise those who believe that joking and humorous remarks or frivolous tales will relieve the bitterness of the mourner's feelings. This all-too-prevalent type of "socializing" in the house of mourning is a constant reminder that coarse souls know no bounds.

    The purpose of the visitor's presence and speech during the shiva should not be designed to distract the bereaved. It is altogether fitting, and entirely proper, to speak of the deceased, his qualities, his hopes, and his loved ones. Far from recalling the anguish which surely has not been forgotten, it gives the bereaved the opportunity to reminisce and to express his grief aloud. Psychologists assure us that the mourner very often desires to speak of his loss. Dr. Eric Lindemann, in his Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief, says: "There is no retardation of action and speech ; quite to the contrary there is a push of speech, especially when talking of the deceased." Both the mourner's words and his tears should not be avoided or suppressed. It is analogous to the world of nature, where animals frequently use these means to heal themselves; they recover by licking their wounds.

  3. One should not urge the mourner to "sit" on the Shiva stool, as this innocent remark may imply to the mourner that he "remain" in grief. It may possibly cause resentment.

  4. The visitor should, by all means, be sensitive to the mourner's feelings. There is a time for all things, the Bible tells us, and surely there is a time for leaving the house of the bereaved. Visits should never be unduly prolonged, mistakenly believing that one's presence brings an unusual degree of relief.

Words of Condolence

Upon leaving, the visitor should recite the phrase in Hebrew or in English or both:

Hamakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar avelai Tziyon Vi'yerushalayim.

"May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

Behavior During the Condolence Call

  1. Greetings should not be answered during the first three days. (See chapter on Greetings and Gifts, above.)

  2. The mourner should sit when people comfort him as they are about to leave. However, especially during prolonged visits, he need not sit all the time, but may stand and walk as he desires.

  3. The mourner need not rise before any guest, no matter what his stature.

  4. At mealtime, in the company of guests, the mourner should sit at the head of the table on a lower stool.

The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Rabbi Maurice Lamm. To purchase the book click here.
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Discussion (6)
August 12, 2013
Thank you Chabad for your succinct advice. Very helpful words for goyim friends like myself.
Anonymous
Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania
June 20, 2013
Condolence words
For someone who just loss a child, it is great to give condolence card and write there "I am very sorry about your loss, you have my deepest sympathy". It is respectful and it shows that you care and you are sorry for the loss since they need your support at times like this.
Cathy Miller
Miami
April 19, 2013
RE: Seems Cruel
As I see it, the author's point is that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. If the person disregards tradition, then tradition disregards him.
Gershon the Talmid
KS
April 18, 2013
Seems cruel to me.
"5.Condolence calls may be paid mourners who have returned to business during shiva (if it was religiously permissible to do so) the same as to other mourners. If the mourner returned to work in violation of the tradition, he need not be visited. He has denied himself the solace of religious consolation."

This ignores the possibility that the mourner, in his grief, thinks that work will distract his mind from his loss. Seems very cruel to me that this person should be shunned because of a decision made during the worst of times. I hope the Hassidic community would not actually treat a mourner this way.
Shlomo
January 18, 2007
The mother of a friend of ours died. The family is Jewish, we are not. Reading the depth of your information has truly been an invaluable guide as to what and how we could comfort the mourner and his family during Shiva. Thank you
Anonymous
Wlby, OH
February 12, 2006
mourning
It has been such a wonderful blessing to read these words. How often I have thought when mourning the loss of a friend what to say, now I understand that it is my silence and my presence that are the comforting agent to the bereaved, not my words. How often I have felt when having suffered the loss of a family member that people would, excuse me in this phrase, "just shut up" as if their words could make anything better.
Thank you so much for this insight and wisdom.
Dash E. Gastineau
Indianapolis, Indiana

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