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I'm Ashamed of My Husband's Kippah

I'm Ashamed of My Husband's Kippah

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Question:

I have been married for nearly a year now. My husband is a wonderful guy, and I feel extremely blessed. However, I have one issue that does not seem to be going away. When we were dating, we were both newlyHe wears his kippah all the time religious. He was slightly more observant than I was, but we both respected and understood each other. The one thing I haven't gotten over is that he wears his kippah all the time. It’s such a rarity in our social circles, so it makes me feel uncomfortable and, at times, even ashamed. As much as I wish I could simply not let this bother me, it does. Can you help me change my attitude?

Answer:

You need to examine why the kippah bothers you so much. Here's my guess:

Your husband's kippah doesn't bother you at all. It bothers other people, and you have internalized other people's opinions. So you feel ashamed.

Maybe someone in your family has made comments about it. Or maybe you have seen strangers giving him odd looks. Or maybe you think your friends think it’s weird. And maybe you are right.

But it's not your problem. It's theirs.

He does what he believes is right even though it is not the norm

We do this often. We take on other people's issues as our own, and we feel like we need to justify ourselves when others don’t approve. But we don't.

The problem is not yours—but the husband is. And just as you respect him for so many other things, you can respect him for this too, as soon as you quiet down the internal voices that are making you feel self-conscious.

And there is a lot to respect about your husband. He does what he believes is right even though it is not the norm. He isn't just following the crowd. He is himself in all situations, without needing to adjust his image to fit in.

The rarity of your husband is not that he wears a kippah, but that he is who he is, and he is real about it. There aren't so many guys like that around. Be proud of him, and be proud of yourself. You chose well.

You can find more information about why men wear kippahs here.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Anonymous Cleveland June 12, 2017

When a man is G-d fearing, G-d is with him. When G-d is with him, all is good.
The kippa is definitely one way to express fear of G-d. Thank G-d your husband wears his kippa. And do you cover your hair as well? Reply

Raymond Schaefer Wilton Manors June 12, 2017

I am reform and have getting more and more religious as I go on. At the beginning I wore it in temple and in classes at temple. I I started wearing it to the gym and am a personal trainer so it was very visible. Started going to dinner and friends comments got back to me. Why is he wearing that I know lots of jews they do not wear that all the time. I am thinking in a time with more and more antisemitism it is important to be seen in numbers and also that we are people you know and work with, work out with and associate with. Good for your husband I am proud and happy G-d made me a jew. Reply

Paul November 1, 2016

Here is a thought. A Kippah does identify the wearer as a Jew. It also identifies him as a man of faith, a man of pride and dignity. While one person may see being identified as a Jew exposing one's self to prejudice, another may see it as an opportunity to promote understanding and respect for Judaism. Today in particular, many Christians, especially Catholics honour Judaism recognising the roots of Christianity are Jewish. Reply

James More Seasee City November 1, 2016

Buy him a Cubs hat and love him like a teddy bear. Reply

Anonymous November 1, 2016

Why? Out of all things to be embarrassed by! I have the opposite issue. I beg my husband to put on his kipa. He does so during davening for which I am thankful for. It took a long time for us to wear our religious items in a secular world without the extra prejudice so please understand the beauty in your husband wearing his kipa and respect his spirituality with HaShem! Reply

NA January 2, 2016

For someone to say you need counseling over this is silly. I am not Jewish, but have a child with a Jewish woman. I am trying to learn more and more, but as I read it makes me want to know less. I respect the passion you all have in your religion, but we are all humans that do say things without knowing if it is truly the best advice. That being said here is my offer...
Why not just ask your husband why he wears the kippah? Reply

Gregory Glavinovich Sacramento October 12, 2015

bald spot The Kippah hides my bald spot so i can get a girl friend

Greg G Reply

Joshua SoCal to Southern US June 12, 2017
in response to Gregory Glavinovich:

Right on. I'm married, but my kippah covers my bald spot also. It's not the reason I wear it, that is a bonus though. Reply

Hadassah Virginia October 12, 2015

We live in Virginia smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt and my dear husband wears his kippah and Tzit Tzit everyday. I am proud of who we are and proud to have a husband that loves and fears G-d. I am truly blessed. Baruch HaShem Reply

Richard Gilbert Midwest July 25, 2015

Wearing the kippah I think it takes courage to wear a kippah unless you live in Israel or Brooklyn. I live in a college town in the Midwest, a relatively peaceful place, but I'd be afraid to wear one on the street. It's only a matter of time before one is attacked in some form. I don't know if G-d holds me in scorn for cowardice or understands that we need to make compromises in the modern world to protect ourselves physically. I have great respect for observant Jews who are stronger than this fear. Reply

Gary W. Harper Saylorsburg, PA March 8, 2015

Those who know you both best do not even notice it, after a short while. And there are those who, deep down inside, are actually jealous that they are too self-conscious, or are not observant enough, to do the same.

Most goyim are merely curious, so they stare, at first; but they are mostly respectful, and do not want to appear to be offending, by asking about it. True, it need not be worn; but is it not a good freewill choice, to show who and what you are, and what you stand for, and believe in, to the entire world?

There are likely some differences in your relationship, and the kippah is merely an inert focal point for them. It is better for you both to discuss and work out the other things that are possibly bothering you, than to focus on the kippah itself. That does nothing to solve anything. Reply

Marny Vista via chabadatlacosta.com February 28, 2015

It's not the kippah ... Whatever bothers you about your husband wearing a kippah has nothing to do with the kippah. It has to do with something (everything) you don't like about your husband.

Your marriage might very well be in a downhill spiral. If you want it to continue, my suggestion is to go for couple's therapy. Or, at the very least, individual therapy to find out why you don't like your husband. Reply

Paul February 10, 2015

Well said Marny. Reply

Marny San Diego via chabadatlacosta.com January 29, 2015

ISIS Perhaps it's that Muslim men are ashamed of their women, thus, cover them up.

What about allowing their women to be educated or to drive a car?

Yes, I know -- I'm not educated enough about Islam and its customs. Sad, too, is that other people aren't educated enough in Judaism, the religion from whence theirs came. Reply

Yosef Eli Jentof Rapid City,South Dakota January 23, 2015

She respects her Husband but does not like Him Wearing his Kippah all the Time. It is a Mtzvah to Wear a Kippah so where is the problem Here? Reply

Cynthia Psaradelis Marysville, Wa January 6, 2015

Be kind people. Reply

Shoshana Zingorenko Buffalo, NYS November 5, 2014

Kippah--reminder for whom? Jewish identity. Other comments When we, Jews, accepted Torah on mountain Sinai, we said "nase venishma"--we will do and we will learn. Since then all of us, Jews, even baal teshuvas like myself and the author of the question, take upon ourselves observance of G-d's commandments (including men's head covering), and... continue to live our lives as Torah observant Jews, while actively looking for answers.
Those who think that kippah is a proud representation of jewish heritage--you might have been fortunate to grow up with jewish heritage, but I, for example, grew up with the feeling that I am a second class citizen because I am a Jew. So, when we, Jews, assign our own reasons to fulfilling of commandments, it could, G-d forbid go wrong, as the Rebbe says. We fully observe (or slowly take upon ourselves) to observe more and more Torah commandments because... G-d wants us to (that is why we are here in this world), and keep searching proper sources for WHYs. G-d willing, answers would come.
G-d bless! Reply

Paul November 2, 2014

James, I would suggest that he wears his kippah not as a reminder of his faith for himself or anyone else, but simply out of faith and to honour his faith. Reply

James More Seasaw City October 30, 2014

Kippah freedom Not everyone wants to be so Orthodox and wear a kippah everywhere they go so to make a public spectacle of themselves and their holiness. Is the kippah to remind him or to remind others? Reply

Anonymous Cleveland June 12, 2017
in response to James More:

The kippah is to acknowledge there is G-d above always. In truth, He is not only "above" but everywhere. There is no place He is not. Reply

Shoshana Zingorenko Buffalo, NYS October 30, 2014

G-d bless you! Dear newlywed, mazal tov! (you do know that for a year after your chupah you can regally :) accept congratulations?!)
G-d bless you and your husband to build a home based on Torah and mitzvohs, an everlasting edifice!
Our generation's biggest challenge, the Rebbe, if I am not mistaken, writes, is to choose whether to observe Torah or, G-d forbid, try to blend in. Thank G-d, you and your husband are choosing to do G-d's will. May G-d bless you with all that you need in physical and spiritual to enable you to do His will! May the holiness from the Tishrei holidays give you strength for the coming year to perservere and be strong in keeping on the path of Torah, and slowly (at a pace that is agreeable with both you and your husband and that does NOT interfere with your shalom bais) increase in your observance.
Jewish men wear kippah to constantly have a tangible reminder to fear G-d in their thoughts and actions. Read chassidus/talk to chabad rabbi for more. G-d bless. Reply

Ali Haji ben Saladin ISIS October 28, 2014

Kipah fear... all about image... Get some perspective: I have yet to see or hear about a moslem man who is ashamed or embarrassed because his wife wears a burka. I have yet to hear about or see a moslem woman who is embarrassed because her moslem husband wears a robe and carries a rifle... geez. grow-up! It is not about being the same, people are not 'milk' we are all suppose to be different... Reply

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