The Ethics of Double Dating

Question:

I am happy in my relationship and things are getting quite serious. But there is one nagging doubt at the back of my mind. This is the first real love in my life, and I'm worried that maybe I'm so happy because I have never experienced anything else. I have nothing to compare her to, because I have never been in this type of relationship before.

Maybe I would fall for any girl who would give me a second glance?! I feel that perhaps, before I commit, I should see some other girls (with my girlfriend's permission of course). Then I will know for sure if this is for real or not. Isn't that a good idea?

Answer:

I understand your logic. If you were looking to buy a car, it would be silly to jump at the first model that catches your eye. You would compare prices and test drive a range of different makes before buying. So shouldn't you do some comparative shopping before settling on a life-partner? In fact, you may feel it is even more important to shop around for love than it is for a car. A car you can trade in if your not satisfied, but a wife...

While this line of thinking may sound reasonable, there is a major flaw in the logic. There is a world of difference between a car and a potential wife. For one, cars don't like jewelry. But more importantly, cars don't have feelings. Your partner does, and so do you. Once feelings are part of the picture, a whole new dynamic is introduced: emotional connection.

Because emotions are involved, seeing two people at once is not the way to go. It won't work for you, for your partner, or for the possible third party.

1) For the third party - It's unethical. Would you tell someone that you are only entering a relationship with them to test if another relationship is real or not? If you would, you're mad. If you wouldn't, is that fair to them? There's nothing wrong with a used car, but people have feelings, and don't like to be used.

2) For you - You can't be objective. When you drive a car, it doesn't change you. You can walk away, and test drive another car, and you will be able to objectively analyze and compare the two. I have never heard of someone who needs time to "get over" a car before they can try another one. But with a human being it's different. A relationship is an emotional investment. You have shared a part of yourself with another. While in the midst of one relationship, you are simply not available to anyone else. You cannot be truly objective. The way you will look at the second person will be colored by your feelings for the first. So what will you have achieved by seeing someone else?

3) For your partner - People can't be evaluated. When buying a car, we want the best one on the market. If we can afford a better, newer model, we would not settle for less. But a life-partner, a human being, can't be given a market value. Relationships cannot be compared. Each one is a universe unto itself. The question, "Could I do better?" can only apply to objects. But with real people, the only questions you need to ask are, "Is this person a good person? Do I want to be in this person's universe? Can we grow together?" If yes, stay there. If not, move on.

Don't spend your lifetime wondering if someone better is around the corner. Rather, find someone who wants to be the best person in the world for you. And be the best person in the world for her. If together you make that pledge, and work hard to keep to it, you'll be on the road to true happiness, no matter what model car you drive.