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Can a Soulmate Be Stolen?

Can a Soulmate Be Stolen?



A friend of mine says she is in no rush to get married, but feels pressured to “get out there” lest she miss out on her soulmate. I say that if it is meant to happen, it will. Who is right? Can your soulmate be “stolen” if you don’t act in haste?


It is most certainly possible to miss out on your soulmate.

The Talmud discusses certain times of the year when Jewish law does not allow weddings to take place. One of them is during a festival, like Pesach, as we do not want one celebration to overshadow the other.

However, the Talmud says that while you can’t perform a wedding during a festival, you can make a shidduch—a match between prospective mates. The reasoning the Talmud gives is that while a wedding can wait until after the festival, if you delay making a match, someone else may beat you to your soulmate.

But how can one find a soulmate destined for someone else?

Through raising one’s soul to a higher level.

If you work on yourself, improve your character and refine yourself to a new spiritual plane, then your soulmate changes. A new, improved soul gets a new, improved soulmate.

And who will be that new soulmate? Someone whose original soulmate has either fallen to a lower spiritual level and doesn’t deserve that person anymore, or is dithering around, wondering if he or she is ready to get married . . .

Therefore, the two factors that can cause you to lose your soulmate are spiritual decline or lack of real effort. And the two factors that will most help you find your soulmate are self-improvement and determined effort.

Sit around, and nothing will happen. But as long as you are out there, and as long as you are working on yourself, you will find him.

Talmud, Moed Katan 18b; Arizal, Shaar Hagilgulim, Hakdamah 8. For an in-depth discussion of preordained soulmates vs. human choice, please see Marriage: Destiny or Chance.
Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to
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Khawlah Netherlands November 12, 2015

Like a princess in prison, she has no right to see her prince!
She is under control of evil!
She keeps searching for the truth, she wants clear answers,
She is a princess, she has her own principles, and will not follow the evil road, this is the war between goodness and evil, she wins then she can meet her hero! Reply

Yehuda Shurpin for July 9, 2014

Re: Cindie with regards to how finding a soul mate works, I would suggest reading the following article (which is actually linked to at the bottom of this article), Marriage: Destiny or Chance- Who is the Ultimate Matchmaker? Reply

Anonymous MB via July 7, 2014

Shiduch allowed on Pesach? Should've mentioned that shiduch may be done even on the saddest day of the year - 9 av.
Shulchan Aruh 551 says so and quotes the same reason. Reply

Steve Feuerstein Bronx July 4, 2014

Can You "Elevate" Out of Your Soulmate You aptly mentioned that "If you work on yourself, improve your character and refine yourself to a new spiritual plane, then your soulmate changes. A new, improved soul gets a new, improved soulmate."

Does this imply that once in a marriage if one partner continues to elevate while the other remains, for a lack of better words, "stagnant" (the Rebbe notes that one is either going up or down, there is no staying the same), then as such there now is a higher level soulmate with which to connect?

I recognize that the question is somewhat rhetorical but curious nonetheless as to what your response might be. Thank you so much.

Shabbat Shalom,

Steve Reply

Anonymous July 4, 2014

If a person is ready to find the person, it doesn't always mean the right person will just arrive. It does not hurt to make an effort if to be married is what you are looking for. Some people are not meant to be married at all and might not have a soulmate. That might not be their purpose in this life. Unfortunately, people get very bitter after searching for the 'one' or 'soulmate' they are looking for who might not ever come. It's brave of them to keep going. Reply

Anonymous Baltimore July 3, 2014


But I thought it is announced in heaven before a soul enters the world what soul will be married on such and such a date. Reply

Cindie Jerusalem July 3, 2014

You can endlessly freak people out with this one.
How do you know if you've raised your level *enough*? How do you know you've done *enough* effort (hishtadlut)?
Yes, the talmud does say you can get engaged even on tisha B'av (which I think one of the commentaries say is 'be'tfila'/with prayer you can get someone else's soulmate)
Still...this can make go getters very anxious, as it has done for quite a few.
Please Qualify with a follow up, How Do you Know When You've Done Enough To Achieve Your Soulmate (with prayer, spiritual effort and on the material plane) Reply

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