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Why Is It Taking So Long to Find the Right One?

Why Is It Taking So Long to Find the Right One?

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Question:

I have friends who got engaged to the first person they ever dated, and are now married with kids. Yet here I am, many years and many, many dates later, and I still haven’t met the right person. Have I done something wrong, maybe in a past life, to deserve this as punishment?

Answer:

There are many possible reasons why you haven’t found the right one yet. But the mere fact that you are still waiting doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.I still haven’t met the right person

The Talmud compares the miracle of finding one’s soulmate to the miracle of G‑d splitting the Red Sea. Most people assume that the sages simply meant to illustrate the magnitude of the miracle. In fact, there’s more to the comparison than meets the eye.

You’re probably familiar with the basics, but there are a few details about that great crossing you may not know. For instance, the Red Sea is not along the direct route from Egypt to Israel. G‑d led the Israelites on a detour simply to give them a glimpse of His power. Walking on the dry seabed with the waters standing as walls on each side was a revelation that dwarfed the miracles they had witnessed in Egypt. The Israelites left the sea a changed nation.

Another little-known fact is that the Israelites didn’t actually cross the sea. Their path was a big U-shape, beginning and ending on the same bank. This meant that not everyone spent the same amount of time “in the water.” Those who were on the inside lane had a short sojourn in the dried-up sea, while those in the outer lanes had a longer trek.

Why were some in the sea longer than others? Some find the direct path; other take the scenic routePerhaps some people needed to bask longer in G‑d’s miracle to truly absorb it. Or perhaps they had the spiritual depth to be able to handle more divine revelation. The longer they spent in the sea, the deeper the experience of divine wonder. Either way, each person witnessed as much of the miracle as he or she needed to.

So it is with the miracle of marriage. Some find the direct path to their soulmates; others take the scenic route. Hold on tight. You, too, will get through the sea. Even if there’s no end in sight, keep the faith. Your intended may be just around the next bend.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Anonymous July 6, 2016

use help use some dating services. in other words, do your best if that is your objective. another option is to widen the horizon, the universe of potential candidates.

just remember, there are no saints in this business Reply

Anonymous June 4, 2015

That's good advice for the parent of singles who are into their 30's. "Even if there's no end in sight, keep the faith. You too will get through the sea (metaphorically speaking)." OK already. Let it happen. I'm having an awfully tough time of 'keeping the faith'. Reply

john January 10, 2015

mystery finding soul mate's, in this article, is compared to the wilderness journey, to crossing the red sea. It is a miracle. This is great, and I like the metaphor. I think that every single person has a different form of journey. I also, wonder about certain issues of justice. Why do some people have "quick journeys". Why do others have great trials and obstacles, and others little ones? In the biblical story, many people died in the wilderness, and did not even get to see the promised land. These dramas and struggles and in-equalities are great mysteries to me. Reply

David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, Ontario, Canada April 20, 2014

More thoughts. A Roman Matron asked Rabbi Yehuda What G-d was doing Since Splitting the Red Sea ... He answered He has been Matching people up
The Roman Matron said I can do that. She matched up 1000 Male slaves with 1000 Female slaves. The next day every match had a major problem... one had a broken tooth, another had a broken arm, another had a black eye and so forth. So now the Rabbi says Now you see why G-d is busy making matches [that work] .
I strongly recommend The men should study The Garden of Peace for Men. The Women should study Women's Wisdom. Rabbi Shalom Arush warns us that each should read their own respective book. With G-d's help all of us will find our respective zivug [match] and keep her or him. Reply

Miriam Baley Mexico City, Mexico April 20, 2014

Lovely article. Very insightful. I had no idea about the U shape path while crossing the Red Sea. Thank you for the explanation, Rabbi! Reply

David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto, ON Canada March 23, 2014

re: Finding the right one. While one meets disappointments and heartbreaks along the road to finding a Shidduch, it is essential that one understands it was Hashem that says in their rejection of you that this particular person is not your match. Do not blame the Philly Jewish community.for their undeducated "stigmas" Rather than give up, live a productive life offering to help in various chesed organizations and who knows, some lady might one day meet you and ask outsiders about the wonderful man [you] she sees working in that group. Reply

Benjamin Docktor Philadelphia March 22, 2014

Finding the right one. I am a Jewish man who 50 years ago was born with autism in Philly. Back then there was so much stigma amongst Jewish families in the area against that condition (it being equated with mental illness or retardation) that no matter how bright or industrious I was I could easily deduce no Jewish girl or her family would ever consider me husband material).

I therefore gave up before I started, rather than risk further heartbreak. I suggest you do the same, and live as productive a life as you can by yourself.

Sometimes God does make rocks He cannot move. They are called singularities. You and I are two examples, and there are many others. Reply

David Aharon Lindzon [Lindsay] Toronto ON Canada March 20, 2014

Suggestions to the Men and women who have a delayed shidduch Let me refer the ladies and /or gentlemen to read Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier's Book Finding and Keeping Your Soulmate ... He writes he was at a shivah house in the person who died was 93 years old and his wife was 72 ... they were married 48 years. He was running the business until he was 88 years old. He was 45 when he got married and she was 24 ... During his life He owned 50 different businesses. Here my advice is to trust [have Bitachon] that Hashem is doing things for my best interests.
Hashem granted this man a long healthy life and sustained his active work. Had he married earlier he might have had to look after his wife in a nursing home instead of being active in Business.
I hope this puts an insight into those who need hope.
I would suggest you also read the books by Rabbi Shalom Arush .
We should all find and keep our Basherts [respective spouses] Reply

Jennifer Griff Issaquah, Washington March 19, 2014

Yes, with all respect, Rabbi, I agree with what you have written but the Letter Writer can do more to put himself/herself in situations to meet that right one. It helps to have a sister who likes playing match maker, for example.

Respectfully,

Jennifer Griffithe Reply

Julie Smith Sydney March 18, 2014

I am single, and while I know Judaism is a family-centred religion and I often think it would be nice to be with someone, most of the time I just don't want anyone or anything getting between me and Hashem. The trick would then be to find someone with the same level of devotion to G-d as I have, but that's a tough task. I've always like traveling alone for a similar reason - no one else seems to reach my level of awe and appreciation of the journey so I'm happier going it alone. I am absolutely the best travel companion I've ever had.

And worrying about finding someone is a waste of energy. It will happen if it's meant to happen, and if not, there are still plenty of meaningful things to do with a life. Reply

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