Heaven Inc.
World of Administration
Tishrei 5, 5765
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
Rabbi Tzvi Freeman
x: 1875.99830 y: 354.09203 z: 925.3847103
Ground Floor
World of Assiya
Re: Planned publication of Heaven Exposed
Dear Rabbi Freeman,
Due to the urgency of the situation, I am taking these moments from my hectic
schedule to write to you personally. It is certainly understood that the
contents of this letter are written in strict confidence and are not to be
shared with anybody.
We at Heaven Inc. have worked since Genesis 1.1 to provide a sheltered,
user-friendly environment in which earthly beings may play. We have taken great
pains to be as consistent as possible with the Laws of Nature (as they are
called), suspending them only when absolutely required by The Boss, blessed be
He, for specified exceptional and spectacular events -- for otherwise, there
would be no room for human rationalism. Our employees work hard to ensure that a
steady flow of both vivifying and isifying energy reach your realm on a daily
basis. As you are well aware, it has been demonstrably proven that major and
minor crashes, freezes and glitches are caused solely through careless and often
device-abusive actions of the end-users, i.e., your fellow corporeal beings.
It perturbs us, therefore, that you persist in your efforts to undermine the
most critical aspect of our management scheme, namely, information protocol.
It is well known that a healthy environment can only be attained when the
end-user is protected from the complexities that generate this environment. If
every gamer could see the code behind each artifact of every game, the gaming
industry would be pretty much down the drain.
Rabbi Freeman, certainly you would not intentionally sabotage our vital
services in the same way. Yet your conduct in digging up classified documents
such as were purposely and with good intent removed from public purview, and
publicizing them online at Chabad.org has
already caused serious damage to our
protocol. Recently, information has reached us of your plans to publish these
materials for distribution in the mainstream market. This is cause for even more
alarm.
Surely you realize the almost certain consequences of these actions.
Consider, for one moment, the devastating impact this disclosure will have upon
the self-confidence of the corporeal beings. How will they continue to take
pride in their puerile pastime of accumulating earthly junk if you succeed in
exposing the underlying synchronicity provided by Heaven Inc.? Humankind will
awaken to discover that over ninety percent of its members have been playing the
game in a near passive, demo-mode, with all input generated almost exclusively
from Above.
Furthermore, as you yourself have noted, a key challenge-factor of reality
(as it is currently played in your realm) is the "struggle-in-the-dark" element.
True, this modality has caused some unsettling moments in human history. After
all, your fellow earthlies generally tend to stumble rather than struggle.
However, looking at the big picture -- as we in Heaven Inc. must do --
these events only serve to enhance the game experience. Your actions, on the
other hand, belie intent to subvert our work by hacking this key enhancement out
of existence.
Indeed, it is actions such as these that could effectively jumpstart the
messianic modality of Creation, in which the entire earthly populace will be
occupied in nothing other than all these little exposés of Heaven's business.
The entire protocol of "Heavens first, then the earth" would be effectively
reversed -- as you have noted from the Lunar Files.
As noted in the Sinai Files,
we angels would become entirely reliant upon earthlies for life-force and Divine
effulgence, while extreme surges of Divine revelations would become commonplace
below.
This is outrageous and unacceptable. The notion that this revolution would
tap into an essence-light rather than the standard glimmer in effect today is
totally irrelevant to our discussion. Subjugating a benevolent and
well-established institution such as Heaven Inc. to those it has so long
serviced so well is intolerable under any circumstances.
Rabbi Freeman, upon hearing these sincere and caring words of mine, I am
certain you will comply with our demands and delete those Files from your hard
drive and server (we have backups), denounce them publicly as misconstrued
fictions, and get back to writing nice little electronic games to teach early
literacy.
Yours in Confidence with Best wishes,
A Prime Ministering Angel
Heaven Inc.
Epilogue: As evidenced by a search of online book
outlets this week, Rabbi Tzvi Freeman has recklessly ignored this warning letter (as well as a
subsequent, more threatening lawyers' letter issued by Kategor,
Sanegor, and Sanegor, Attorneys at Law, representing Heaven Inc.) and has
proceeded with his planned publication and distribution of Heaven Exposed. We
hear that decisive steps are being taken by Heaven Inc. and their legal
representation to force a recall and destruction of all extant copies. We
therefore urge you to obtain
your copy immediately, before this very narrow window
of opportunity is slammed shut.
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