Tell Me What's Wrong

"I don't care what you think about me, as long as you don't tell me," I once overheard a person saying.

It would seem to me that many of us act upon the belief that our loved ones feel this way. Husbands and wives avoid telling their spouses about what is bothering them in their relationship, because they don't want them to be upset. Parents "help" their children by covering up for them when they make a mistake, signing notes excusing them for not doing their homework so as to shield them from the negative consequences, rather than insisting that they own up to their failure to meet their responsibilities. In a work environment, people refrain from criticizing their colleagues, employees or employers; as a result, no one knows what is really happening until it is too late to fix the situation.

This brings to mind the old adage: "If you give a person a fish, you help them for a day; but if you teach them how to fish, you help them for a lifetime." Although teaching a person how to fish is a longer process and may involve difficulty and discomfort in the short term, it is the only way to bring about real change and make a real difference in his or her life.

If we truly wish want to help our spouse, child or colleague, we need to be open and frank about what we see is going wrong. If we hold back our thoughts, the situation will not get better by itself.

We are sometimes so afraid that we may hurt the other person that we avoid telling them the truth. By doing so, we will be hurting them a lot more in the long run.

People may like you because you don't hurt their feelings with the truth. But they will respect you much more if they know exactly where they stand with you. If they know what you think and can trust you to be "up front" with them, they can be certain that they only thing you will do behind their back is give them a pat.

Obviously, we must take care to present our criticism in an appropriate manner, and at an appropriate place and time.

And to the person quoted at the beginning of the article, I would counter with the classic business slogan: "If I am doing something right, tell others; if I am doing something wrong, please tell me".

By Yaakov Lieder

Rabbi Yaakov Lieder has served as a teacher, principal and in a variety of other educational positions for more than 30 years in Israel, the US, and Sydney, Australia. He is the founder and director of the Support Centre to aid families struggling with relationship and child-rearing issues. Click here for more articles by Rabbi Lieder.

About the artist: Sarah Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children’s books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London.

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June 20, 2012

"Fishing"

How I wish you had posted this at the beginning of the year, when school started, rather than now when I've cooked fish daily all year long for my child. (SIGH).

oh, mommy!
Huntington Beach, usa, ca.

December 26, 2007

Giving feedback

If we don't give feedback to another person about how their behaviour is affecting us, they won't know. Maybe we would prefer they don't know. Maybe we shouldn't rock the boat. But maybe it is the case that we need to put both our cards on the table and talk it out and try to reach a mutually satisfactory solution so we are both happy about how things are going (whatever that may come to - maybe we will come to accept or give up). I read Rabbi Lieder's comments as fitting this way of looking at things and I was glad to read what he said.

I found myself thinking, though, about the case of when the person does not want to be bothered by our reactions, or maybe gets angry because we have dared to "criticize", as he or she sees it. Some people do not want feedback, and some people get angry if we say we want things to go differently. So we then get a hostile reaction, if at all, maybe however carefully we speak up. I would like to hear Rabbi Lieder say more about this please.

Anonymous
Brisbane, Australia

October 29, 2004

Couldn't disagree more...

Dear Rabbi Lieder,

Thank you for your thought-provoking article. I agree that I'd rather be told of my faults than have them dissected behind my back. Unfortunately, and with all due respect, that is not the entire issue. It seems to me that you have coped a pop-psychology idea, over-simplifying a much more complicated issue. Perhaps I have misunderstood?

As a non-Jew, without a doubt, you and I live in very different worlds. In my world, however, this observation seems to be true: We each grow at our own pace, and in our own directions; criticism of loved ones, 9 times out of 10, is an attempt to mold that person into our image, rather than love them for their unique contribution and help them maximize that uniqueness.

To helpfully correct someone takes a great deal more than your comment, "Obviously, we must take care to present our criticism in an appropriate manner, and at an appropriate place and time" would seem to indicate. For me, having the patience to take out my own vested intrests before correction is never optional. Correction, when it comes, must not be a subjecting analysis what is "wrong" with the other.

In a perfect world, we would all change to become the person we wanted to be the instant we noticed (or were told of) something wrong with ourselves. Sometimes, however, watching a person repeatedly make the same mistake because they don't have the resources to overcome it (nor can you give them what is needed) is neither martyrdom nor calous disregard!

In my experience, going around telling people what you really think is not the way to build relationships, but to end them. "Getting it all off your chest", rarely has positive long-term effects.

This comment is really a case in point: I have not taken the time to get to know you. You may already believe, even practice, all these ideals, and have merely wanted to write something simple and inspiring. Has my spouting off with my ideas, really built a relationship between us? Or destroyed any that might have existed?

Your student,

Wrashi
Lethbridge, Ab, Canada