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Is My Date My Soulmate?

Is My Date My Soulmate?

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Dear Rabbi,

I am seeing this guy very seriously, but one thing bothers me. How do I know if he is my soulmate? How can I be sure that he is the other half of my soul? I am terrified to make a decision without being certain. I have heard of a clairvoyant who can tell you if you are soulmates based on your birthdays and past lives. Should I go to her, just to be sure?

Answer:

Everything has its time. There are times when we should think about who our soulmate is. And there are times when we shouldn’t. The problem is, most of us get the timing the wrong way around.

When you are alone and single, and it seems that there are no prospects for love on the horizon, it is vital to remember that you have a soulmate. Someone out there was made for you, and you for them. They are waiting to meet you. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe you already met them and you just have to open your eyes. It is a matter of time before you meet your other half. It will happen.

Without this belief, despair may be a logical conclusion. Maybe I was made to be single, maybe my in-laws decided not to have any children. Who’s to say that I will ever get married? The answer: There’s someone for everyone. There’s always hope. Keep the faith.

The other time in life when the soulmate belief is beneficial is after you are married. Every marriage faces challenges, and every good relationship goes through rough patches. It is at those moments that it is essential to remember that you are married to the other half of your soul. While you think that you chose your spouse, really G‑d chose your spouse, He made you for each other, and He led you to meet and fall in love. The decision to marry was divinely inspired, out of your hands, beyond your control. This is what was meant to be; this is the one.

Otherwise, we can spend our lives thinking what would have been. What if I would have married the other guy; what if I would have left her and found someone else? We need to have the conviction that marriage is divinely ordained. This person beside me is my soulmate, the missing half of my soul, and we belong together; it could be no other way. So we had better work things out.

So, when we are alone and losing hope, or when we are married and losing faith, we need to remember that we have a soulmate. But there is a time when the belief in a soulmate can be distracting and unproductive. And that is when we are dating.

When you are in a relationship already, but you haven’t made the big step of commitment, at that point the whole soulmate thing can confuse you. You shouldn’t be looking for a soulmate then. You need to look at the actual person in front of you. You need to get to know their personality, their character, their values and their aspirations. You can’t see their soul. You don’t even know what your own soul looks like, let alone your soulmate.

So forget about it. Don’t ask yourself, “Is this my soulmate?” Rather, ask whether the human being you are seeing is a good person; do they share your beliefs; is he or she Jewish (if you are); can you communicate; are you going in the same direction; do you want similar things out of life. Who cares when their birthday is, or which star sign they are, or whether they are a reincarnation of your favorite opera singer? None of that will help you in your future together.

Stop looking for signs from heaven. The signs are here on earth. If you have found a connection with someone good for you, go for it, and leave the connection of your souls to G‑d.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Anonymous Philippines February 16, 2015

Why are the answers in this site so damn right? This site contains the best answers on questions about love I've encountered so far. Reply

Apeh Ephraim Ikechukwu. Lagos, Nigeria June 27, 2013

This writing on how to know my soul mate by Aron Moss is the best answer on how to know your soul mate. God must bless Chabad.org
. Reply

Barry Solomon Redondo Beach, CA May 29, 2013

I have a soulmate..my wife of 50 years ( this sept 8). I cannot believe that G-d had caused me to move from Brooklyn to Los Angeles to find her through a blind date.
At the time I was seeing a counselor..and had met this wonderful person, my wife.
The question I had to answer was do I love and and also do I "like her".
When I answered both to the affirmative it became clear this was the one. Perhaps this is one way to decide if she or he is your soulmate. Reply

ruth housman marshfield, ma April 25, 2013

In a way it's beautiful this article returned today with a new comment. Why? Because I was going through old poems and one in particular caught my eye that began with moss, as in the fields where we live. Here it is mossy and verdant, a kind of wildlife sanctuary and I had been thinking about the absorbency of mass as in holding water, so essential to marsh wildlife. Could it be our very names contain a deep connectivity of linguistic meaning which we do actualize, soul to soul, carrying 'sol' which is the light? Reply

Neku Nigeria April 25, 2013

Indeed your post here is an eye opener you guys are really doing a great job. Reply

Abraham Australia December 25, 2012

This article is scary, in a good way. Some articles you come across and a sentence or two speak to you, but this whole thing spoke to me, as if I am the person it were written to.

Such a wonderfully written, eye-opening, reassuring article. Love it. Reply

ruth housman marshfield hills, ma November 8, 2012

I want to thank Richard, for his kind personal commentary. We all need to feel acknowledged, and I believe, listening to each other, wherever we are, even if we disagree, is an important aspect of life, and often hard, as discussions evoke passions, and we're all different though we do share, aspects of experience and outlook. if G_d had Created us all, as exactly same, then it wouldn't be a world, so filled with glorious diversity. None of us, given the vast amount of knowledge in the world, and so much more to be explored, could possibly contain it all, and so when we meet, and greet, we learn about something we would not have known, without that 'other'. I do know, that G_d knows the contents of every book. We are all of us prisms for the light, and, according to our unique selves, we diffract that light, and so G_d, being the Light, is fully conscious of that process, and is our "guiding Light". All books, have a Divine Signature as all Creation: signature of all things. Reply

Anonymous November 8, 2012

you are the best! Reply

Richard Boca Raton, FL November 1, 2012

No one can argue with anything you have written. It's well written and, in fact, truly beautiful.

Nice work! And Thank you! Reply

ruth housman marshfield hills, ma October 29, 2012

I would say, go to places that draw you, and that you never really know, where you will meet your soul mate, that special someone, and it could be, a bar. Even someone, behind bars.Yes, life has its punny moments. but also serious, because I met my soul mate in a laundromat when a most miserable room mate, made me want to leave the apartment, so laundry seemed a viable option at the time.. Life happens, and sometimes it is really strange how we meet. I actually thanked this roommate, for being so nasty because it was her really not nice ways of being, that sent me out into the night, into the arms of someone very special and we're still together. So everything one could say, depends on IF. Reply

Richard Boca Raton, , Fl./USA October 26, 2012

Don't even THINK of giving up hope! I married my first love, we had two wonderful sons. Times were hard; we divorced but remained close an even in my second marriage i supported her financially until her passing years later. My second marriage lasted 5 years; it was a bad match and we parted amicably. I'm now 20+ years into my third (and last!!?) marriage, perfectly happy, peaceful, my mind at rest, and at 82, still healthy as a horse. The harder you "search", the less you'll find. If it's gonna happen, it will. Skip the bars and clubs; you wouldn't want to marry someone you met at a BAR, would ya? Try your chosen synagogue instead. Y' never know. The choices may be fewer, but at least, they won't have beer on their breath!! And if being Jewish means something to you, that issue will not arise.

Best wishes!

RMM Reply

Richad Boca Raton, , Fl./USA October 26, 2012

I really like what you write. Reply

ruth housman marshfield hills, ma October 25, 2012

Life is a complex weave of opposites, and the very word "soul" as in soulmate, contains this paradox. Before we meet another very special person, who seems to gladden our ways, we often feel sole, as in terribly alone, and often mourn that solitary feeling. It's hard to explicate that G_d is never away from our side, when we have such lonely feelings, and yet my life tells me this is true. It could be, finding one's way, also involves this search for G_d, and in so finding this treasure, one realizes it was always right there, for the taking. The amazing thing about finding one's way home, on a cosmic level. is that we never in deep metaphoric ways, ever truly, left, the Garden. It all does deeply mirror, from the cosmic to the earthly circumstances of our lives, and what's deep is to unearth the beauty of this echoic connectivity. I hope you all find your soul mates knowing that G_d is ever with you, every step of the way, and i urge you to move with love, and to celebrate each other. Reply

chaya montreal, canada October 24, 2012

Wow! This article is amazing and true in every aspect. When you're dating you will never ever know if he is the right person unless u marry him/her if you decide to, of course. When you're dating you cannot control the future but the present. If you share similar goals and aspirations, if you're attracted to one another, same level of religion, communication, chemistry and if you love what you see. Those are things you can control but knowing 100% if he/she is your soul mate is not possible. However, when you marry, at that point you know 100% that this is your soul mate because he is now your other half. 40 days before you are conceived, G-d arranges a soul mate for you. At that point, he/she IS your other half. To control 100% your destiny is not possible. I do have one thing to say, though, that if you're even asking yourself the question if he is the right man then there might be a problem and maybe he's not. Make sure he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Reply

ruth housman marshfield hills, ma October 16, 2012

Let me take issue with that statement, because I met mine, and it's something you just "know". I don't like categorical statements about feelings that run deep, and surely many of us do feel we've met someone, extraordinary, and we are happy in that, and sure, life does present a lot of problems, and people do need to work at it. But sometimes that light, in being with that special other, makes me, personally, feel very very fortunate to have met him, and for that, I am so grateful, so totally in love. I know many others who feel this way. So I give thanks, for all that I have, and know, I am so enjoying another day, with this very special person, in my life. And to say this, to the "other" is a mitzvah in itself.

And when we recount the circumstances of how we met, there is a kind of wonder to this, too, that makes us very happy, as if G_d arranged these marriages of heart and soul. Reply

Roger Passman Gilberts, Illinois via elginchabad.com October 16, 2012

It seems to me that if you feel compelled to ask then you have already answered the question. Going to a mystic to determine what you should already know is just going to cost you unnecessary money. Trust your instincts, your guts. Love, like most things in life, is a decision made each and every day. I have lived my life that way and I have been happily married to the same woman for 26 years. Reply

Richard Boca Raton, , Fl./USA October 15, 2012

You very well may be looking for/expecting the impossible. NONE of us are soul mates. Be grateful if you find someone who loves you, considers you, makes room for you in her/her life, and speaks in a way that gives pleasure and comfort to your heart. Remember: YOU are no great soul mate either!, just another loving person in the world, looking for some lasting comfort with another person. There are plenty of people out there. Take your time and be selective. The two of you might have a long life together. Reply

ruth housman marshfield, ma October 15, 2012

I seriously doubt if you are being held back from meeting your soul mate ( Julia H) due to a rift in your former relationship which was not your fault.

I think to keep meeting people or doing something positive, will be the ticket. We never know who we will meet, but we do act by going into the world and doing what we do.

I think for everyone there are such timetables for change, and if it's in the cards for you, to meet that special someone, it's going to happen. You're not being punished but you are punishing yourself. Reply

Julie Hampton Fort Worth, Texas September 25, 2012

This message was for me, Rabbi ! it inspired me even through there has been no evidence of a physical person in my life for over 13 years. (no dates no being ask out, nothing) I still single& my ex-husband left us and married his brothers wife( both of us are still alive the brother & I) all parties have remarried except me, am I being punished for the sins of my ex for broken covenant when it was not my doing? I kept my life right before God, why am I still alone and unwanted? anyone?Help need alittle insite on this. truly tried of being alone. Please pray for me. Reply

Shlomo Dovid Chicago, IL September 16, 2012

I have a different understanding: Cabbala still alludes to the soul-mate connection in very deep and cosmic terms, such as when our souls were created and then split into their respective female and male "mate" halves... Though most married couples are NOT genuine soul-mates in the literal and deepest sense., I agree that we need not obsess and focus primarily on that semantic, yet rather on the life we can share and create with another wonderful partner. I know that my excellent marriage of 20 years is not with a soul-mate, but rather a spiritual partner and earthly mate. A true soul mate would "feel" very different from all I have studied on this subject. So - the appropriate earthly partner can be more fulfilling than a soul-mate marriage between partners not ready or prepared for such. Reply

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