Is There a Cure for Jealousy? - Learning & Values

Question:

I am struggling with jealousy in many areas in my life and in my relationships. Any words of advice for me?

Answer:

Let's analyze jealousy for a moment. You're jealous of your friend's car. Why? Hers is nicer than yours. You're jealous of a colleague's intelligence. Why? It's greater than yours. You're jealous of your sister's artistic talent. Why? You don't have any yourself.

All jealousy boils down to the same thing. They have something you don't, and it's something you want.

Our Sages have a famous saying, "Who is wealthy? He who is happy with what he has." One who is satisfied with his lot in life does not struggle with jealousy, because he does not desire more than what he has. So your friend has a nicer car than yours. But you're happy with your own. Mr. Big Shot at work is smarter than you. You're content with the intelligence G‑d granted you. You lack artistic talent. You have your own abilities.

So let's refocus. Instead of "how can I stop being jealous?" the question really is, "how can I be happy with what I have?"

This question happens to be fundamental. We believe G‑d is all-knowing and good. All knowing means He has full knowledge of what is best for you to have in life; and good means He will grant you what is best for you to have. If G‑d has not seen fit you to give you that car or house, that means that having that car or house at this point in time is not in your best interests. So what's there to be jealous about?

Obviously, it takes a bit of work to make this line of thinking natural. There's no automatic mental switch. But the result is more than worth the effort.

By Malkie Janowski

Malkie Janowski is an accomplished educator who lives in Coral Springs, Florida. Mrs. Janowski is also a responder on Chabad.org's Ask the Rabbi team.

Image: Detail from a painting by Sarah Kranz. Ms. Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children’s books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London.

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August 15, 2012

Dear Lori

I don't understand pretty well your comment. I don't have that much knowledge of the Bible. You might be more precise when it comes to assertions mentioned in the Bible.

But I can certainly say from experience that strong jealousy is sometimes a symptom of temporal lobe epilepsy. And that has been established by medicine.

God is God but for our safety (own) , it would be better not to play with health and rely instead on the advice of medicine.

I would prefer not to confound placebo with biblical characters such as Moses who are of true reverence.

sp
ioannina, greece

August 14, 2012

@sp ioannina greece

Zechariah 8:1-2 and 1:14 Nahum 1:2 Numbers 5:14 Ezekiel 8:3
you wrote:[Jealousy in its mild forms is not a defilement, however strong forms can be a sign of an underlying psychiatric disorder and that needs to be addressed because serious harm can follow. E.g. Some types of temporal lobe epilepsy are accompanied by pathological jealousy.] We must be careful on what we as people do as to not cause such jealousy.. For God is a jealous God and with no psychiatric disorders.

lori
hsb, id
jewishidaho.com

August 4, 2012

Is that really true?

The article is well written and very convincing.
But can one imagine a world without jealousy as long as there is competition?

What I see is tough competition and that is a huge contribution to jealousy.

Jealousy in its mild forms is not a defilement, however strong forms can be a sign of an underlying psychiatric disorder and that needs to be addressed because serious harm can follow. E.g. Some types of temporal lobe epilepsy are accompanied by pathological jealousy.

The assertion "Who is wealthy? He who is happy with what he has." can be misleading.
There are cases of patients who have undergone medical procedures to cure some sort of disorder and the intervention has resulted in the patients becoming contented with a "dull lifestyle", with no ambition and in an apathetic state. One patient kept reading the same book (a children's book about cats) each day after the interventions and was happy. His wife complained that he had become a child though.

sp
ioannina, greece

February 11, 2012

reply to what about someone whom makes nasty lies

My thought is that when someone makes lies up about someone else, it is usually because they are insecure themselves or unhappy and might even think it makes them appear better than you. Perhaps covering up their own flaws. Often, we humans have a defensive side and with that we often have felt pain, loneliness, jealousy...with that said "he who cast the stone" to hurt others is probably hiding their own pain of some sort, or just out right a mean person.

randerson
FRESNO, CA

March 16, 2010

Re: anonymous in Bellevue

Same guy.

He just needed time to get past some insecurities. He had been hurt badly in his past (long story) and needed to feel secure financially and emotionally before moving forward. Now there is a house, a car, a good job he's been at for five years, and I'm in school again. Before, when things from his past kept coming up on a regular basis -- taking time, energy, and money -- he was exhausted (so was I) and couldn't relax because there was the constant fear of losing his job (due to the time and energy going to this stuff) & house & so much more.

Anonymous
Bellevue

March 16, 2010

jealousy

What about when a person is jealous and as a result s/he makes nasty lies about you and destroys your life.

mally
london

March 15, 2010

Dear Anonymous in Believue

Mazeltov! Is it the same guy? What changed his mind about marriage?

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA
jewishriverside.com

March 15, 2010

Re: Advice to woman

I had forgotten I even had the comments from this thread being e-mailed to me. I'm glad I do though since I can give you all an update.

I am now 25 years old and engaged to be married - as of two weeks ago! We are setting a date for next summer (at my request -- he was looking at sooner). My family is thrilled (they really like him) and I couldn't be happier.

I've also started school again and will be about to transfer for my final year by the wedding.

Obviously the wait isn't for everyone, but in my case it has turned out wonderfully.

Anonymous
Bellevue

March 15, 2010

Advice to the woman who wants marriage...

Please tell your guy you are waking up and smelling the roses. If marriage is what you want internally, how can you be HAPPY with hiim? It may be better to be ALONE rather than with a man who dangles the proverbial carrot in front of your face for five years. He, my dear, is content with the status quo. You are NOT content. You are only hurting yourself through this wishing and wanting. After 5 years, I would say to get tough, be strong, and give him an ultimatum in a kind way. Say, "If you want me to be happy, I need marriage." If he doesn't want marriage, that means he doesn't want you to be happy. Leave, if so. Be happy being alone, visit many Chabads. Talk to many rabbis. Someone will fix you up. Have faith. G-d WILL send you a beshert, at a time you LEAST expect it. Be open to G-d's blessings. Please don't hurt yourself any more.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA
jewishriverside.com

March 15, 2010

Envy

I think the author was confusing jealousy with envy. Jealously is the fear of losing something - evny is the desire for something you don't have.

Anonymous
Lburg, VA

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