Should We Have Children? - Learning & Values

Question:

My wife and I long ago decided against having children. We are happy with our lives and don't feel that we need the added burden of parenthood. But recently we saw a documentary about a Jewish family with 17 kids, and it got us talking. Although my opinion hasn't changed, my wife is not so sure. What do you suggest?

Answer:

My suggestion: do not delay having children any longer. You owe it to yourself, your future children, your parents, the universe and G-d.

For yourself: A parent experiences boundless love. While you can love your spouse deeply, the unconditional and uncontrollable love for a child is unmatched in creation. And the miracle of watching an embryo become a live being with feelings, needs and a personality that is an extension of yours is an experience that no one should choose to miss.

For your future children: Although we only meet them when they are born, our children's souls are waiting in a celestial transit area for their time to come down to earth. There are souls that are destined to be parented by you and your wife, eagerly awaiting their chance to be born. I can almost hear them egging you on, hoping that your decision will turn in their favor.

For your parents: You can only appreciate all that your parents did for you by in turn doing the same for your child. And the best "thank you" you can give your parents is giving them grandchildren.

For the universe: Our parents may not have been perfect, but whoever they were, they bothered to bring us into this world. And they were brought into this world by parents who were willing to go through the same thing, and so on throughout the ages. The fact that we are here is a result of countless generations of procreation. They have given us the greatest gift of all -- the gift of life. Are you honestly saying that you are willing to break this chain of giving in order to maintain your current lifestyle?

For G-d: For whatever reason, G-d wants us to feel what it's like to be like Him. So He invested in us the power of creation. The drive to procreate is the most powerful instinct because it is the most G-dlike. G-d has offered to share His divinity with you by becoming a parent. Will you turn down such an offer?

Sadly there are those who for medical or circumstantial reasons are presently unable to become parents. They can find other means to bring love and life to the world, and many of the world's greatest souls were childless. But if you do have the option, can you possibly pass up the chance to participate in the most profound act of love that a human can achieve?

Parenthood means sleepless nights and a major lifestyle adjustment, but it is the most humbling and rewarding adjustment you will ever make.

By Aron Moss

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

About the artist: Sarah Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children’s books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London.

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June 22, 2012

To So Sad

Doubtless this question has a major effect on people's lives. That's why in weighing one's decision on it, it is good to look beyond only the immediate and personal ramifications to the broader consequences. I believe that was the gist of Rabbi Moss's response. You may not believe that souls wait in celestial transit to be born, and that is fine. The questioner directed his question to a rabbi because he wanted to hear the teachings of our tradition on this matter, and that is what Rabbi Moss offered him. I hope that in your own considerations on whether to have children, you too will think about the universal and spiritual benefits elucidated by the Torah from this momentous decision. In my experience, the Torah's teachings result in true enlightenment and satisfaction in real life.

Rabbi Shmary Brownstein
Chabad.org

June 5, 2012

So sad

What an obnoxious response to a difficult question by someone who has no business giving advice to anyone. People shouldn't be guilted or bullied into having children because their "unborn kids are waiting in celestial transit." Please! This is a real question with practical, real-life implications that should be weighted carefully. Failed marriages and/or bad parents are the result of such flippant answers. Not everyone does or should choose the path of parenthood, despite what generations before them have done. We live in an enlightened age where people can make choices that are best for them, and that may be maintaining a lifestyle without children. That said, my wife and I are both currently struggling with the same choice, both of us on the fence. We fear future regret of whichever choice we make, though feelings in the future are tough to predict. I've been mediating on the idea and feel confident we'll come to the right decision for us, as will this person. Good luck!

Anonymous
los angeles

January 25, 2012

Please... They did mention in the first place that they did not want kids in first place... So, why try to insist that much and make them feel guilty about their decision, when, visibly, they analysed the pros and cons and decided it is not for them?

Pascale

July 28, 2011

Don't have kids

When you have children, there is no time for yourself, your spouse, nor selfless volunteering hours for abandoned kids. Having children makes you become selfish. There is less money to donate, because you now have a mouth to feed. If a couple does not want to have children, they shouldn't. It's a daunting task. There is a lot of stress, sleepless nights, and arguments with partner about rearing children.

momof3
Fairfax

November 2, 2010

please...

what if you don't feel this boundless love? there are plenty who don't.

you can't do it for your future children if they don't exist....

why do it for your parents? not a very good reason....one should do it for themselves, and themselves alone.

why care of this generation of procreation?yes, it is amazing and sure it's happened countless times, but why do it for that?
it's only an interest, not a reason

god also gave us the choice. us, unlike all animals, have the choice to procreate. I say it's up to us.

Anonymous
Rockville, MD

May 7, 2009

Marriage = Family

I'm a 33 year old man, married with 6 children, and this topic is too deep to clear out in a post. :)

I think if somebody decides to marry o get together with the opposite sex is mainly because of a plan to give birth to a family. We all have a mission to accomplish in this life; some are to marry and have children, some are to marry and won't have children, or others are to stay single. It's all about our vocation I believe.

But, when a couple decides to marry, then they must realize how big the package is, people tend to want only a portion of that package of marrying, choosing not to have children, thus creating a situation which could bring damage and frustration to the relationship in the future.

Children demand parents attention, so parents ought to truly understand this if they work outside home too much, parent's love and care cannot be substituted by a daycare.

So, keep in mind that marriage is a vocation we freely choose as part of our mission in life.

Jules
Nayarit, Mexico

March 18, 2007

Children or No Children?

If you and your wife decided NOT to have children, your reasons were neither wrong nor stupid. Parenthood is NOT a burden - it's a responsibility not everyone is equipped to handle. There's a lot of stress involved with raising children and maybe you and your wife feel it would be just too much for you.

It's true that we see, hear and read about families with more than a dozen children, and my first question is how they can come up with enough money to afford to care for them - especially if there's no outside help. In your case, if you change your minds, don't have more than 1 or 2 children at the most!

No matter what decision the two of you make, don't make it too quickly.

Lisa
Providence, RI

March 10, 2007

fulfilled and childless

I am a 35 year old woman that has no children. I do not agree with the writen advice by the rabbi. However noble and beautiful and selfless it "sounds" to have children, its still not a choice for me. I am glad for all the wonderful things birthing children has done for people. My point is this, what are these self-fulfilled/selfless parents doing for the children that are parentless in the world? I spend every other weekend with parentless and throw away kids inside detention centers. I have found that I am a "mother" to many children and had I children of my own, I would be mad, raving mad that any "parent" could live comfortable knowing that other children have been treated as refuse. I'm glad that I have not been "self-fulfilled" so that I may have the sensitivity to be "others fulfilled" not through my biological potentials but because G-d needs my heart inside detention centers. I would be a sad woman if I had 10 children and would care less for the orphans...very sad!

Anonymous
houston, Tx

March 8, 2007

children

It should always be remembered that the ultimate reason of any Mitzvah (commandment) especially the first Mitzvah of the Torah is beyond our understanding and therefore cannot be challenged by contrary reasonings.Hallachah defines when to be lenient etc.and is our practical guide to life

Yosef Feldman
Sydney, Australia

March 8, 2007

Having children

By the grace of G-d my husband and I have been blessed with five beautiful children, and I hope and pray that we will be blessed with more. Someone once frowningly asked a pregnant Jewish woman how many more children she was planning to have, and she answered six million! With the rest of the world through the ages bent on reducing or eliminating our numbers, the greatest contribution a Jewish person can make to the world is to lovingly raise another committed Jewish child. The world CAN and WILL benefit from such children - leave population control to some other nation.
As for having the financial resources to raise children, the Rebbe stressed that each child comes with its own financial aid package from Heaven, so to speak. After all, the entire world belongs to G-d and if He has seen fit to bless a couple with a child, He can easily allocate the means with which to raise that child as well. I can say from experience that this is certainly true.

Yona Rivka Kimelman
Worcester, MA

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