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I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?

I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?

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Question:

Dear Rabbi,

I am having a problem with a friend of mine. There seems to be an attraction between us that I don't want there. I love my fiancé and don't want to be distracted or hurt our relationship. There is potential for a lot of hurt with this situation, especially considering that my friend's wife is also a close friend of mine.

Anyway, it's a big tangled web with lots of spiders and I don't know how to get out. If my love for my fiancé is true, how could this attraction be so strong?

Answer:

True love doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone else. And being attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you don't love your fiancé or that he isn't your true soul-mate. All it means is that you are human.

We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves -- that when I meet Mr. Right I will only have eyes for him. But reality is not like that.

You can be happily married for years - even to Mr. Right - and still become attracted to someone else. You can't control that; it is instinctive. What you can help is what you do about it. You are not forced to act on your instincts. You can't always control what you feel, but what you do about those feelings is totally in your court.

If you are committed to your fiancé then you have to be exclusively his. That means that you put your relationship with him in front of any other concern.

This may mean that you cannot continue to socialize with that other person to whom you are attracted. Even if it means a rift in your friendship with his wife, what is more important - your future marriage or your relationship with her? This may be a difficult move, but if you don't do it you are running the risk of needlessly harming four lives.

You are facing an important test. Your loyalty and commitment are being challenged. The question is: will you do what you feel like doing or what you know is right?

See this as an opportunity to take your relationship with your fiancé to a whole new level. Show yourself that although your faithfulness is being strongly challenged, the depth of your commitment to him is stronger still.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.
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Discussion (21)
August 8, 2014
I think the problem with cheating husbands are a lot at fault with women over 50
The men are still men at that age .... And the women act older at that age ...so the
Men don't get what they need so they look for it so were else
So I think that the women should think about it and become wife's again
All the best
Sarah
Zurich
February 25, 2014
It's not easy, but stay with your family. It's not going to be easy but after that season, you will be grateful you stayed. We must think of the pain undeserved to those we love even if it means it shall hurt you.
Anonymous
south africa
November 5, 2013
Image falling in love with someone you did not know was married..... :(
Anonymous
New york
October 29, 2013
Being in love with someone you can't have is the most painfull feeling you could encounter. Human beings are very sensitive beings we rely on other people for affection and a sense of being. One should learn self control and being true to yourself in the situation you might be in. It's tough especially the matters of the heart but reality and facts must be awakening of the truth. It's sad but God had set high standards.
Dikgaba
RSA
July 30, 2013
Don't Do It
Take it as a test of your control over your feelings.
I have been through such an experience too. But I was naive when it happened.
Please for God's sake and your own sake do not start anything with that 'friend' guy, you risk so much later, if he plays with your feelings and does not divorce his wife.
Anonymous
June 18, 2013
Marrired women
I'm a married women who fell in love with a old high school ex and it has caused problems in my life i feel like the movie bridges of Madison county i care for my ex and always will but at the same time i can't hurt my family I'm haunted by his memory daily but act like everything Is ok my advice to you don't start something like this because it can change your life love is a good thing but loving someone that you can't have isn't.
Anonymous
Indiana
May 3, 2013
Love?
Falling in love with somebody while married is not really love, it is a temptation that you have to resist. It will create more damage in your life and everybody involved.
Anonymous
Florida
January 1, 2012
Addiction
it might help in such circumstances to speak to a counselor or psychologist. As wll if t is something that cannot be controlled it might be a full blown addiction and then fellowhips like SLAA can help you to recover.
Anonymous
beijing
July 2, 2011
I can relate. I am single and deeply in love with a married woman. She is in love with me too. We have acknowledged our feelings for each other but neither one of us wants her to make the ultimate sacrifice. She loves her husband and her kids, and neither one of us wants her to tear their family apart. So instead, we stay apart. Sometimes I wonder why God gave me the gift of her but made her not able to be mine. It's kind of a cruel gift. Other times, I feel blessed to love her as much as I do and to be loved by her. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it is important. Maybe some day I'll get to have some one of my own
Anonymous
Santa Rosa, CA
June 20, 2011
soul mates
I can relate to this story. I had an affair with a married man, while i was married too. I knew him for sometime and ended up working for his company. i tried very hard to stay away and ignore his advances, but finally broke down. My marriage was having a lot of problems and i was on my way out before the affair even began, so why was i feeling so horribly guilty about the situation. I couldn't stand hurting everyone involved. I ended up going back to my husband and admitting to him about my affair. It was the most painful time in my life. I got very sick from all the stress. My husband was there for me every step of the way, even though he was hurting too. We got through it together. If I could go back , i would NOT do it!!! Thank G-d for my family!
Anonymous
Sunny Isles Beach, FL
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