I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?

Question:

Dear Rabbi,

I am having a problem with a friend of mine. There seems to be an attraction between us that I don't want there. I love my fiancé and don't want to be distracted or hurt our relationship. There is potential for a lot of hurt with this situation, especially considering that my friend's wife is also a close friend of mine.

Anyway, it's a big tangled web with lots of spiders and I don't know how to get out. If my love for my fiancé is true, how could this attraction be so strong?

Answer:

True love doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone else. And being attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you don't love your fiancé or that he isn't your true soul-mate. All it means is that you are human.

We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves -- that when I meet Mr. Right I will only have eyes for him. But reality is not like that.

You can be happily married for years - even to Mr. Right - and still become attracted to someone else. You can't control that; it is instinctive. What you can help is what you do about it. You are not forced to act on your instincts. You can't always control what you feel, but what you do about those feelings is totally in your court.

If you are committed to your fiancé then you have to be exclusively his. That means that you put your relationship with him in front of any other concern.

This may mean that you cannot continue to socialize with that other person to whom you are attracted. Even if it means a rift in your friendship with his wife, what is more important - your future marriage or your relationship with her? This may be a difficult move, but if you don't do it you are running the risk of needlessly harming four lives.

You are facing an important test. Your loyalty and commitment are being challenged. The question is: will you do what you feel like doing or what you know is right?

See this as an opportunity to take your relationship with your fiancé to a whole new level. Show yourself that although your faithfulness is being strongly challenged, the depth of your commitment to him is stronger still.