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I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?

I'm Falling in Love with a Married Man, What Should I Do?



Dear Rabbi,

I am having a problem with a friend of mine. There seems to be an attraction between us that I don't want there. I love my fiancé and don't want to be distracted or hurt our relationship. There is potential for a lot of hurt with this situation, especially considering that my friend's wife is also a close friend of mine.

Anyway, it's a big tangled web with lots of spiders and I don't know how to get out. If my love for my fiancé is true, how could this attraction be so strong?


True love doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone else. And being attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you don't love your fiancé or that he isn't your true soul-mate. All it means is that you are human.

We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves -- that when I meet Mr. Right I will only have eyes for him. But reality is not like that.

You can be happily married for years - even to Mr. Right - and still become attracted to someone else. You can't control that; it is instinctive. What you can help is what you do about it. You are not forced to act on your instincts. You can't always control what you feel, but what you do about those feelings is totally in your court.

If you are committed to your fiancé then you have to be exclusively his. That means that you put your relationship with him in front of any other concern.

This may mean that you cannot continue to socialize with that other person to whom you are attracted. Even if it means a rift in your friendship with his wife, what is more important - your future marriage or your relationship with her? This may be a difficult move, but if you don't do it you are running the risk of needlessly harming four lives.

You are facing an important test. Your loyalty and commitment are being challenged. The question is: will you do what you feel like doing or what you know is right?

See this as an opportunity to take your relationship with your fiancé to a whole new level. Show yourself that although your faithfulness is being strongly challenged, the depth of your commitment to him is stronger still.

Aron Moss is rabbi of the Nefesh Community in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to
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Discussion (27)
February 20, 2017
So many people here don't make the distinction between love and attraction. Didn't all of you people in conflict feel the same sort of attraction to your spouse, before you married, that you're now claiming you feel for this other off-limits person?
Love is something else entirely and if you miss the distinction, married life will be miserable indeed.
Love is based on commitment - without that, forget things working out. Love means putting yourself aside and thinking about the other person. It means learning to see the other person in a positive light even if you might not feel like doing so at the time. It means being determined to build together and work things out even when it's tough.
Try it even for a week and see what happens to your relationship. At the end of the day, it's about learning to be a better person via accepting your spouse for who he/she is. Try it, and you'll find that what you build is so much sweeter than even the strongest romantic attraction.
Eretz Yisrael
February 5, 2016
I did that I followed what is right and am still in deep depression after 11 years.
June 18, 2015
Whatever happened to running away before it gets more intense? Did I have one of the few Jewish Moms who told be to be very very careful in love?
I saw temptation that friends didn't run from. Most of them were worse for it.
I don't agree with it just happens. When I was single, (and I didn't get married by 22 like many), I never ever went out with a married man. I didn't even speak to
a married man in my personal life. There were no problems or conflicts or confusion. The rule was made. No married men. Period.
December 27, 2014
I am going through emotional turmoil myself. There is definitely chemistry between my married physiotherapist and me because whenever we see each other we both get intense and we are trying hard to focus on the work he needs to do. I am still getting to know how he works with other patients and maybe he treats his other patients the same way with extra caring gestures. Its only been 6 weeks for us, but I feel that the more I am falling in love with him. I need to see him more to recover from multiple injuries faster, which would mean more contacts. It's already a struggle to keep my emotions in check. I can not hide the attraction each passing day. The need to end our short relationship is what I am leaning on. Tell him and finally walk away. Might do us both good.
October 13, 2014
I was involved with man who I should not be in love with but it kind of happened I met him in Australia and I was in love with him and now I don't know what to do when he got married he invited me to go to his wedding since then and now I had his phone number and to here his voice but now everything has changed I cant help it and it hurts my feelings and is hard and I feel like I am trapped and I feel ashamed off my self his got children to I know he loves me but he is not in love with me and I don't know any more I need your help can anyone help me
September 10, 2014
Being engaged and being attracted to someone else may be a red flag that something is not going right in the relationship. Talk to someone about it. Not just an anonymous post on the web
August 8, 2014
I think the problem with cheating husbands are a lot at fault with women over 50
The men are still men at that age .... And the women act older at that age the
Men don't get what they need so they look for it so were else
So I think that the women should think about it and become wife's again
All the best
February 25, 2014
It's not easy, but stay with your family. It's not going to be easy but after that season, you will be grateful you stayed. We must think of the pain undeserved to those we love even if it means it shall hurt you.
south africa
November 5, 2013
Image falling in love with someone you did not know was married..... :(
New york
October 29, 2013
Being in love with someone you can't have is the most painfull feeling you could encounter. Human beings are very sensitive beings we rely on other people for affection and a sense of being. One should learn self control and being true to yourself in the situation you might be in. It's tough especially the matters of the heart but reality and facts must be awakening of the truth. It's sad but God had set high standards.
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