How Does One Quit Judaism? - Learning & Values

Question:

Although I was raised in a traditional home, was brissed and barmitzvad (sorry about these spellings) I have never had any faith or "religious" belief. I am now aged 34, and would describe myself as an atheist. I have no wish to be buried in a Jewish cemetery (and my Will will also make this clear) and have married a non-Jew in a civil ceremony.

My question is, can I consider myself officially non-Jewish, by my effective opting-out, or do I need some sort of form or dispensation to be officially no longer Jewish?

Many thanks for your help with what is perhaps an unusual question.

Best wishes,
Edward

Answer:

Dear Edward,

I would like to help you, but I feel there's nothing I can do.

According to your question, you have done everything possible to negate your Jewishness: in practice you do not keep Jewish tradition; in belief you are an atheist; in family life you have married a non-Jew and thus won't have Jewish children; and even in death you are determined not to be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

One would think that all this would be enough to confirm your un-Jewishness.

But no! For some reason, you are still unsatisfied: you still feel Jewish! So much so, you feel you need official dispensation!

And so, being an atheist, who do you turn to to solve this problem? A doctor? A psychiatrist? The civil celebrant that married you? No... You turn to a rabbi!

I'm reminded of the child who ran away from home, but ended up just going around and around the block because his parents told him never to cross the road by himself.

I'm sorry, Edward. There is nothing more you can do. You are as Jewish as Moses, Ariel Sharon and the Chief Rabbi of Wales!

In fact, it seems that being Jewish is the most dominant factor of your personality. It is even influencing the place you want to be buried! (Why would an atheist care about where they are buried?)

Edward, Jewishness is not a belief, a feeling, a conviction or a lifestyle. It is a state of being. We can either celebrate it or fight against it. But it will always be there. So why not celebrate it?

By Aron Moss

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

About the artist: Sarah Kranz has been illustrating magazines, webzines and books (including five children’s books) since graduating from the Istituto Europeo di Design, Milan, in 1996. Her clients have included The New York Times and Money Marketing Magazine of London.

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January 24, 2013

Reply to Anonimous From Albany

I find it curious that you commented in a Jewish site. If you didn't care a stitch for Judaism and even found it repulsive, especially orthodox Judaism, why are you going to a Chabad site? Obviously you are not apathetic about Judaism, or you wouldn't have done that. Nor would you have killed the good part of half an hour telling us that you don't relate to Judaism. The explanation that makes the most sense to me -- that best fits what I am seeing -- is that you really do care about being a Jew.

William Winkelman
Tucson, Arizona

January 1, 2013

An interesting discussion. No one in my opinion can legislate for ignorance/ frustration etc and the the sense that " I am not a good enough Jew" but Edward - a "not good enough Jew" is surely one looking for guidance as to how to be a better, or some kind of a Jew- or how to acknowledge it even if its is a gut feeling. If you really didn't care you wouldn't ask the question,

Elaine Bermitz
Manchester England

December 3, 2012

Just leave

That's what I did. I got tired of the hypocrisy, treachery, lies, self-righteousness... I found nothing worthwhile in Judaism and certainly nothing I would risk life, limb or livelihood for. Oh, I tried to convince myself there was something worthy in Judaism. I became a BT, I did the whole shtick... and found that the Orthodox are the worst of a bad bunch...

So, I just left. I just stopped associating with the bastiges. If someone asks if I am Jewish, I say no. If someone from the old days calls, I don't answer. No need to ask a rabbi. All you'll get is some self-serving stuff designed to protect the syndicate. No one can keep you in the Jewish system - they'll tell you you can't opt out. But you can, all you do is leave. If you are religiously inclined (you aren't but still) converting to Christianity will dissuade all but the most ardent Jewish cultist from bugging you otherwise you just go.

Anonymous
Albany

December 10, 2011

I don't get it. So many Jews are not...

Torah observant or Orthodox. Nor do they follow Halacha laws. Yet, they don't quit Judaism. Some don't even believe in God. They are Jewish atheists. Some don't believe in organized religion. So they don't go to any synagogue or place of worship. Yet, they are still Jews. I don't get it. What do you want to leave? Your mom? Your family? Your synagogue? I can tell you for a fact, I DID get baptized as a Christian and turn my back, as far as those who saw me were concerned, on Judaism. Yet, I was still me. As someone said on another blog, a Rabbi told her if you dunk an elephant in water, when he comes up, he's just a wet elephant. But, he's still an elephant. So, PLEASE explain. WHAT do you want to leave? The people? The building? If you are concerned about after you are dead, don't be. You won't KNOW what's happening anyway. Why would you care now what happens to you after you are not conscious? Burials are for the living. Not the dead. They are so they can say goodbye to you.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

December 8, 2011

The Very Best Way Too Become Not Jewish

This is a surefire way to become instantly and positively unJewish, Edward:

Become Christian.

You will be "buried" before you die as friends and/or family will disown you and have a mock funeral for you and sit shiva in your "dis"honor. It is a known fact that a Jew becoming a Christian is like turning into a Gentile overnight and you will be considered no longer Jewish. You can be any other thing, but becoming a Christian will render you totally nonJewish in the eyes of most.

Ask others, their answers will match. I'm saying this tongue in cheek, but you get the point I'm sure.

Is your Question like the title of this webpage: How Does One Quit Judaism? Or, are your asking how do you quite being Jewish?

You can quit Judaism, but like the "rabbi's" response above you'll forever be Jewish.

cbeth
nyc, ny

October 16, 2011

I wish I could do the same, I hate it and want to quit how did u do it edward

zev

October 7, 2011

Jewishness

Sounds like a woody Allen movie-Perhaps you will see your mother in a cloud, kvetching at you and showing the world your baby pictures. appreciate your parents while they are still here. Be sure to let your children know who you are and where you came from so they can make their own decisions.

Anonymous
hsv, ark usa

December 10, 2010

The actual question was of burial.

You can be buried in a non-Jewish cemetery if you want to. They don't ask what is your religion. Non-Jewish cemeteries take your money and don't care what or if you believe in anything. If you are talking about the SERVICE, it will be up to your wife to decide on the service. This has nothing to do with giving up Judaism. Why would you even care about that issue when your actual question is about burial?

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

December 9, 2010

Rudeness

I want to apologize to the readers here and to the Rabbis too for my rudeness when I posted about the emperor not wearing any clothes. That was out of line and I regret putting my thoughts out here in that manner. I still think things need to be somewhat different regarding acceptance of who is a Jew, but I realize that it can't just be wide open. It is for the survival of the group, not for the survival of individuals, that is the essence of exclusiveness. The survival of the group is very important because without that, then individuals would have very little. That is all I can say about this situation and I don't plan on making any more comments here. I do hope that my apology will be accepted. My best wishes to all here.

Anonymous
Tucson, AZ

December 9, 2010

Anon in Tucson, AZ: de-stress and calm.

Ceremonies can give you an open door to ceremonial rites. If you choose to not follow the rules of Orthodoxy, then you won't be a part of the special prayers. However, you can still go to the services, participate in the shmoozing (conversation, socializing) and great food after services if you want. I, personally, visit BOTH orthodox/Chabad and Reform and other types of Jewish and also non Jewish places of worship when I want a feeling of spirituality or just to connect with people. Although I was born of a Jewish mom, I'm not a Torah observant Jew. What I do love, though, is the FEELING that I am connected with others who FEEL their Jewishness, like you do. I love that feeling! I hope you love it as well. Although the idea of "pure Jews" has strict laws by certain strains of Judaism, that thought sticks in my throat, and I also speak up. I think, however, it will take people from the INSIDE to speak up in order to effect a change in current halacha law.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

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