Where I Turn

Where are we without our minds?

I wondered that today, when I slipped back into consciousness

Because when we go sad, we go mad

I think.

It’s as if the world drops

And priorities get mixed up.

What do I want? I forget; because I can’t think straight

What do I want? I forgetWhen I’m sad, I go mad

I think.

And I look frantically around the room for a pick me up

My eyes resting on the computer—Facebook!

Maybe someone wrote me, told me they loved me, loved this, loved that, thought this, thought that

Maybe there is a beautiful picture of a wedding, a video

A necessary distraction.

What do you do, when you go sad, when you go mad? What’s your “drug of choice”? How do you get back on track?

A book, chocolate . . .

Et cetera.

And I get angry at my mind for having rationally left me

I try to remember what it is that sets me straight;

I remind myself—visualize, breathe, go for a walk

Maybe I should call a friend, maybe that’s the answer.

Yesterday, I started reading Tehillim, Psalms. It was my Hebrew birthday, after all, and I saw it as the fitting thing to do. Though my heart was throwing its arms up in the air, thinking it ridiculous. My heart pounds with ecstasy when it has won the battle, ruling over my kingdom, a body without a conscious soul, reaching, grabbing, calculating . . .

There is nothing like reading Tehillim when your mind is obsessing about what you are going to buy next.

But as I rounded the corner, Hebrew word after Hebrew word, a tiny shred of memory of something I had learned at some previous time came to me, and it said: When you get nervous, it is G‑d telling you to pray.

Thank you, I whispered to that kernel, as my heart pouted, angry that its vibrant fortress had been penetrated.

And maybe for me, my first “drug” of choice should be The Great One, eyes turned heavenward, knowing that He is what makes the chemical in the chocolate pick me up or, conversely, put me down (you know those days when chocolate doesn’t seem to do the trick?), the One who soothes my soul after I explode in frustration; He is the One, and so maybe, maybe, He should be my first, so to speak, “go-to Man” before Facebook (gasp!).

When you get nervous, it is G‑d telling you to prayWhen I have lost my mind, when I go sad, when I go mad,

There He is, waiting for me to pick up my head, look up heavenward with hopeless, confused eyes,

Mouth detached from mind, mind hijacked by heart,

And pray.

He is the One, after all, who makes my mind work and stops it from working, when He deems it fit, when He deems me fit, when He deems me worthy.

Off and on, on and off.

“Blessed are You, Hashem, our G‑d, King of the universe, Who created the human with wisdom, and created within him many openings and many cavities. It is exposed and known before Your Throne of Glory, that if one of them were to be ruptured or one one of them were to be blocked, it would be impossible to survive and to stand before You for even one hour. Blessed are You, Hashem, the physician of all flesh, who acts wondrously.”

And let us say,

Amen.