What is Marriage?

If we attempt to answer this question, we will find it very challenging to explain what exactly is the function of marriage in general. If two people love each other, why not live together? The day they will decide not to share their lives anymore, each one will be free to go his or her own way! Even if they declare their commitment through marriage, the day that they do not want to remain married any longer they anyway have the option of divorce. What, then, is the purpose and function of marriage?

Many answer that marriage is nothing more than a formality, a social norm that gives ‘legal status’ to the couple. But to say that marriage is simply a social norm, implies that it has no true, intrinsic value; that it is arbitrary. What happens in the event that one does not care about human authority or social stigma, is it then OK to live as a couple and have children without being married?

It seems to me that the only true basis and justification for marriage is that it is a Divine institution. It was G-d’s idea. The idea for marriage has its roots in the Bible. Even though there are many social systems that do not base themselves on the Bible and nevertheless recognize the institution of marriage, that does not refute the fact that the origin and true value of marriage is of Divine origin.

Let me compare this concept with a similar phenomenon. Where does the seven-day week come from? Why does a week have seven days and not six or eight? The weekly cycle of seven days has its origin in the Seven days of Creation. For one who believes in the Bible, the seven-day weekly cycle has profound spiritual significance. For one who does not believe in the Bible, the seven-day week is merely arbitrary. In other words, for one who accepts the Bible as the ‘blueprint’ of Creation, the seven-day week has a raison d’etre. For one that does not believe in the Bible, the seven-day week makes no sense. The same is true regarding marriage. For one who does not believe in the Bible, marriage does not make very much sense. It is simply a formality instituted perhaps to ensure the inheritance of the children. For one who believes in the Bible, the concept and institution of marriage assumes a much greater and more profound significance, as we will see.

The Talmud and Kabbalah teach us that marriage is not merely a union between two totally independent individuals. Marriage is the reunion between two halves of the same unit. A couple shares the same soul, which, upon birth, divides itself into two incomplete halves. Upon marriage, they reunite and become, once again, complete. What we are dealing with here is not only a union on the physical, emotional and/or intellectual level. What we are dealing with here is a union on the deepest, most essential level of self. There are souls that are compatible for marriage and there are souls that are not. Besides the case of mixed marriages, the Bible enumerates a list of invalid ‘marriages’, for example the ‘marriage’ between a biological brother and sister or between a man and a woman that is married to another man, in other words, incest or adultery. The Bible is not talking here only about prohibitions, but facts. In the aforementioned examples, there can never be any marriage, even though it is physically possible to cohabitate and procreate.

Based on the above, we have a very simple explanation for the non-Jewish friend as to why we cannot consider him or her as potential marriage partners. It is not due to a defect that they have. It is simply due to the Biblical concept of marriage to which one – as a Jew - feels obligated to adhere to.

A hypothetical case: What would happen if a Jewish boy and girl decide to marry and are very much in love with each other and half an hour before the marriage ceremony is due to begin they find out that they share the same biological parents? Would they marry anyway? Obviously not, and the fact that they cannot marry each other does not imply that their declared mutual love was false… Love is a very important factor in a marriage relationship, but it is not the only factor that determines the legitimacy of a marriage.

It is possible that a Jewish boy will find compatibility with a non-Jewish girl (and vice versa) and would like to create a family with her. This apparent compatibility is possible only when neither of them manifests their essence. As long as the Jew does not care about the fact that he or she is Jewish and the non-Jew does not care about his or her personal origin and essence, everything seems fine. What will happen the day that either of them ‘wakes up’ and decides to care about who they really are? All of a sudden the incompatibility appears. In other words, as long as neither of the two cares about their essence, they can feel compatible with someone who is essentially opposite. The minute that either of them discovers their true identity, the relationship ceases to have any true meaning.

I know quite a few mixed couples that were very much in love until the moment that their children were born. All of a sudden they have very heated arguments regarding the education of their children, even though they had long ago resolved the issue theoretically. The Jewish mother wants to circumcise her son, for example, while the non-Jewish father does not want his son to be different than him. All of a sudden the incompatibility takes center stage, but it is already very late – they have now produced a child whom both parents and sets of grandparents wants to consider their own…

Of course, many examples can be brought of Jewish couples that have conflicts. We must, however, explore the facts and see if they really live their lives according to the norms delineated in the Torah. At least, the Jewish couple always has the potential to live their lives according to G-d’s will.

A question arises: what happens in the case of a non-religious Jew or Jewish atheist? Does this incompatibility with a non-Jew still exist? After all, if one does not care about his religion, why care about it when it comes to choosing a marriage partner?