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Introduction


By Eliezer Shemtov

One of the most worrisome and least understood subjects of Jewish life is that of intermarriage. Besides the lack of objective information regarding the subject, it is very complex from an emotional point of view.

On the one hand, parents feel that when their child marries a non-Jew, he or she is breaking the millennia-long chain of Jewish continuity and they do not want to allow that to happen. On the other hand, they feel uncomfortable to openly oppose intermarriage because of its racist connotations. Why disqualify someone as a potential marriage partner just because he or she was born of a non-Jewish womb? It seems to be a discriminatory attitude.

In order to analyze this subject, it must be divided into parts:

1) What is the basis for the opposition to intermarriage?

2) How can a Jew oppose intermarriage without contradicting the natural instinct that he has to fight discrimination, especially after all that we have suffered throughout history as a result of racial discrimination?

3) What explanation can one give to his or her non-Jewish friend to justify the refusal to consider them for marriage?
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By Eliezer Shemtov   More articles...  |   RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Rabbi Eliezer Shemtov is the Chabad-Lubavitch emissary in Montevideo, Uruguay, and a contributor to Chabad.org.
From Dear Rabbi, Why Can't I Marry Her? - A Dialogue on Intermarriage by Rabbi Eliezer Shemtov. Click here to purchase online.

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Reader Comments
Latest Comments:
Posted: Apr 15, 2011
Dear Adam,
I don't think there is any problem if you marry someone who is not a Jew. Of course, if you are not too religious. I wasn't raised Jew I come from a Catholic background and I am dating a Jew for the past 3 years. Religion does not play any role in our relationship because he is not too religious neither am I. Love is what matters and as long as each of you respects your beliefs then the rest is easy. I love my Jew and wouldn't have a problem converting if it was important to him but he is ok. He always dated Jews and says he has never been happier than now that he is dating a non Jew and Hispanic too ;-)
Posted By Jenny, Woodland Hills, CA

Posted: Nov 28, 2010
Self Hating Jews...
Why are so many of you what I would call self-hating Jews? What happened in your lives to turn you away from being Jewish? I am so happy to have been born Jewish. There is a pride in me and in our people. to marry to make sure your child ARE NOT Jewish is a slef hating response. Love who you are and what you are or you can never be truely happy no matter who you marry!
Posted By Tzipporah, Kansas City, MO

Posted: Apr 11, 2010
Dear Adam,
Try to meet some exceedingly holy people and speak with them from the Jewish faith --- like Chassidic Rebbes --- and look in their eyes. www.therebbe.org and Listen to the Lubavitcher Rebbe. I would also go over your past and see if you've done things that would separate you from G-dliness, -- are you staying out of trouble and doing good deeds? It's pretty hard not to feel G-d when you're doing something truly kind for another human being. Above all, study the Torah in the Hebrew. Go visit Israel and pray at the Kotel (Western wall). Moshiach Now!
Posted By moshe, New York, NY

Posted: Dec 25, 2009
Interfaith marriage
Dear Adam,

My best advice is to date different people to find out what you really want in a spouse & don't rush into marriage you may be greatly disappointed. Give it a few years.

As you probably know don't judge a book by its cover being Chinese does not guarantee you do not have afterlife beliefs, etc.

I do agree though that you shouldn't marry someone who doesn't have your same beliefs since it is a recipe for disaster, heart ache and ulitimately loneliness. Remember: l we live in America where freedom of religion is one of our most charished values; many soldiers have lost their lives so that we could believe what we want to.

Kind regards,
Posted By Anonymous, Denver, CO

Posted: Dec 24, 2009
how do I get off this train?
I am unswayed by these articles. I want to marry out because I want to make sure my decendants are not jewish.

I just dont buy the arguments that we have a divine book. I dont believe the creator of the universe cares what I have on my diner plate. I dont buy the silly things in the Talmud, like a jewish woman who walks over the nail trimmings of a jewish man could have a miscarriage. I dont believe there is an afterlife. I do think much of this religion provided a lot of helpful norms to keep us ethical and together but I think the rest of society has caught up.

I plan on finding a nice chinese girl.
Posted By Adam

Posted: Aug 16, 2009
Say No to Interfaith Marriage!!!!
In response to the post regarding the hypocritical friend: What your friend said is extremely hypocritical. Converts to Judaism undergo extensive study in Judaism in order to convert. As a result, converts, especially those of Orthodox auspices, know more about Judaism and Jewish practice then those who were born Jewish. You should tell your friend that if she truly wants her kids raised as knowledgable Jews, should G-d forbid something happen, she should only hope that her kids are fortunately enough to be raised by an Orthodox convert.

In response to Being Born Jewish, you are all wrong. If your mother was born Jewish or converted via Orthodoxy, you are Jewish. it doesn't matter if you decide to practice Christianity, You will still be Jewish. So as you can see, it doesn't come down to what you believe. If you are Jewish according to Jewish law, you are Jewish.
Posted By OrthoEbonyJewess, Linden, NJ

Posted: June 4, 2009
Thank G-d I am born JEWISH!
I am a Jewish woman married to a Christian for the past 26 years. I can now see with my own two eyes how detrimental this situation is. To Lucy: What is wrong with the fact that Jews want to keep their culture and faith alive? I am born into a minority status. Thank G-d my son will continue my faith. To Anonymous:Being Jewish is definitely not overrated. Only 60 years ago 6 million Jews were exterminated on the basis of their faith. Perhaps, then the attempt at annihilation was overrated. NEVER AGAIN! To Confused: It is what it is. A child has to be born of a Jewish mother in order to be Jewish. Once again, it didnt matter during the holocaust, who was Jewish, you were murdered if your great grandfather was Jewish. Do you think we have a right to stand up for our heritage and Judaic laws? Comingfrom an interfaith marriage, I can honestly say there were problems from the onset. I separated from my husband, and the first words were All Jews run from their problems.Racial slur
Posted By Anne Lanzarone, Accord, NY

Posted: Mar 22, 2009
Being Born Jewish
Well from my point of view being born jewish is overrated and does not guarantee that one will truly be jewish. I was adopted to a nonjewish family because my parents had to give me up since they where too poor. I totally think it all comes down to what one truly believes and what one believes makes one a real jew or not.
Posted By Anonymous, Denver, CO

Posted: Mar 11, 2009
Hypocrytical Friend
My best friend is jewish and her husband converted. They have two daughters who adore their Uncle. She told me she will not leave her kids to her brother if something happened to her and her husband unless her brother marries a jewish girl, not a convert. In my friends eyes this is not a jewish home unless the wife was born jewish. Now, I understand that the child is not considered jewish if the mother is not born a jew. I would think that it wouldn't matter in this type of situation. Am I right? I have been friends with her for over 15 years and I think this was the first time I was every truly upset with her. To me she seems very hypocrytical. I think I need 2nd opinion on this situation or I will always be upset with her for feeling this way.
Posted By Confused, Phoenix, AZ

Posted: Sep 11, 2008
Yeah me too Jeannie Taylor, and take it from me, it just aint gonna happen. Especially if they are religious. Besides you can't convert because you fell in love with a guy that is Jewish. You have to do it for yourself, you may not even be able to convert in the first place, and it is a very dificult thing to go through, it doesn't just happen over night.. Its sad to fall in love with someone that you cannot be with I know, but if your situation is anything similar to mine it is just going to end in heartache. There is a reason they don't want intermarriages, they want to keep their culture and faith alive and strong, and if they married from other faiths this would destroy what they have built for thousands of years.
Posted By Lucy, Seattle, WA



 


On Intermarriage
Introduction
The Basis
What is Marriage?
What is a Jew?
Characteristics of the Soul
The Conversion Option
Jewish Concept of Conversion
Full Index...
Showing 1 - 7 of 8

 
 

Dear Rabbi, Why Can't I Marry Her?
This original and eye-opening new book records the fascinating email correspondences between a rabbi who was answering questions on Judaism and two different non-Jews who were dating Jews. By addressing their questions about Jewish law and intermarriage, Rabbi Shemtov gives important answers on this topic that everyone can benefit from. A must-have for outreach professionals and anyone who wants to help fellow Jews marry Jews.

Buy this book online

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