267. Punishment

...and maybe, just maybe, a murderer.

Rabbi is so right. Thank you once again.

Very different from what the world says! Quite different from common sense which says you should not caress a child who deserves punishment.

The very few times my father punnished me I can count on my fingers-on one hand-most of the time they were so surprizing that it was the shock of them that left me spellbound and without a thought to think-thus the idea for me to be into dance improvisation or music improv-these few phrases were a surprize for me and yes I agree that if you hug that child instead of punnishing that child you have just brought more love into the world than you could expect.

i strongly disagree. you confuse them. should not get good feelings when it is a wrong thing to do. they need honest true reactions.

Only reason for punishment is to stop the bad behavior immediately and perhaps many other behaviors inadvertently. For instance, kid runs into street after a red balloon -- grab kid out of street (punishment) and offer alternative strategies (not punishment) and bond (do something the kid likes -- hug).

In general, punishments suppress behaviors -- good and bad, at least for a time. A reinforcement enhances displayed behavior. I think a hug is usually a reinforcement. An easy way to find out: hug and if the kid vomits, it wasn't; but if the kid smiles at you, it was.

:-)

A million books on the subject and a million methods. Yours is as good as any.

For sure , you want a child to trust you. You must earn it. For sure you want your child to have faith in you. You must earn that too. Now, how you create that trust and faith which is what we would refer to as love is very tricky. It's a tightrope. And if you don't know the difference between trust and faith, you are already in trouble. Torah is very specific on these two.

Torah teaches to give positive reinforcement liberally and negative reinforcement ( politically correct way to say punishment ) delicately. This is great as long as it works It doesn't always work. So there are a million books to figure it out.

Whatever advice you hear or read from so called parenting experts or rebbetzins you still have to figure it out. Oh by the way, rebbetzins are more responsible for childhood rearing because rabbis are not delicate enough. How do you like that ?!

Funny how children can be as different as ...

All I can say is " Amen" . Just beautiful and true

When my baby was a year old, he started pulling my books off the shelves. I'd come into the room and find a pile of books on the floor, so I watched until I caught him doing it. I gently held his little head facing me and said, "Those are MY books. Leave them alone." Notice I said what TO DO, rather than what to avoid doing. Of course he still wanted to do it. It was lots of fun. I kept watching and there he was: he held his hand by a book saying, "No....no...." and then he pulled down another book. He held his hand by the next book, hesitating, saying "No....no....." and pulled it down. I was so close. I waited another moment until he said, "NO..." and I gave him a big hug and kiss. "What a good boy! You remembered Mama said to leave the books alone!" Notice I gave him the hug and kiss just as he had said No. He never did it again. I did this with other things too. It works!

Reward obedience and you'll have little need to punish disobedience.

But he taught your brother to be self-destructive.

I think we should avoid thinking of punishing a child. The word "punish" means to hurt. It is like taking vengeance. What we want is something different from vegeance. We want the child to learn the right way.

If we are teaching algebra, do we hit students who have difficulty? No, we guide them. The same with a small child. If he plays with something which should be left alone, put it out of reach and if this is impossible, watch him, and lead him away from it if he goes near. When he is old enough to understand language, explain why he must do this and not that--and meanwhile prevent him from doing wrong. If he runs into a busy street, a smack on the bottom may be in order if it comes AT ONCE. Negative reinforcement must be swift and certain or it fails to get any good results. If a child "gets away with it" even once, he is tempted to try again. Instead, get big on positive reinforcement. Give BIG rewards.