My Glass
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This is my life. By 6:00 AM, I have done two loads of laundry and run the dishwasher. I have washed the floors. The clock tick-tocks through my brain. Drive to school, keep the baby occupied while going to the cleaners, the grocery store, make dinner. Try to get the baby to nap. Get the baby up to pick up the kids. After school activities.
An existence reduced to errands. Can everything that must get done eventually be accomplished. Not important things, no peace process to discuss, meetings to make. Entire days when the only other grownups I will see will be in carpool. Days when I can stay in pajamas and no one will know. Just put away, fold, pick up, mix, bake, take out. Cooking, cleaning, schlepping.
I don't want to get bitter. I don't want to get pettyA father who rarely remembers me. A mother who passed away much before I was ready.
I have had six miscarriages, one for every child actually born. The last one, the worst one, only weeks ago, so that it is still so fresh and raw. What could have been. What will not be.
I am no longer a homeowner.
This is my life. We have a nice place to live. My husband has a good job. The pantry is full. The six kids, they are healthy. Happy. In an unbelievably trying economy, I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home. To be the one picking up the kids from school, doling hugs and band aids. I get to go through the day with my two year old at my side. Everything takes longer because she helps. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I am trying to mend fences with a sister I vowed, just a few months ago, to never speak with again.
The cuts are deep. The ego fragile.
G‑d has strong shoulders, the Rabbi says. It is OK to be mad. But the anger is all consuming. It saps all my strength. There is no room left for joy, for the laughter on young children's faces. My children. For light.
I don't want to get bitter. I don't want to get petty.
It is the timeless question. Is the glass half full, or is it just half empty. Do the bad times define a person, or just how we we handle them? G‑d doesn't give one more than one can handle. But what if you don't want to keep carrying it. What if you just want to shake your shoulders and run. What if all you feel like doing is screaming so loud the mountains and trees will quiver and shake from the noise. But no one is listening. How to bring in the light, rise above, be better.
Do the bad times define a person, or just how we we handle them? It is late at night. I think everyone is sleeping. It is time to catch up on e-mails, news, the only few minutes that are only all mine. Just for me. I deserve them, I mumble to no-one. Out of no-where the baby climbs on my lap, squeezing in between me and the monitor. I turn off the computer, frustrated. Again.
She cups my face in her beautiful, tiny hands and kisses me.
This is my life. These are the moments. This is the baby they said I couldn't have.
I thank G‑d for this life.
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Latest Comments:
You are truly a beautiful neshamah (soul). May Hashem continue to send you those moments of clarity- i.e. your child holding your face and kissing you, and may it help you remember NEVER to ask why, because the multitude of answers could never truly allow you to gain perspective, but remember, as Rebbetzin Jungreis says, to ask HOW- how can I make this meaningful and what correction can I make in my spirirtual self to allow for healing with a listening heart....Tizku l'mitzvot!! Thank you for sharing such an intimate matter, and may G-d bless you with continued strength!!
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I wrote about miscarriages, and missed carriages, meaning the nostalgia of what was, those little running feet on the stairs, a sudden hug, little sticky fingers in mine, that feeling of absolute trust.
It's hard when someone you love miscarries, and when life has these moments of heaviness, what drags at us all, and then we say, "it's such a drag. My life. This day." We feel the heaviness, and gravity overcomes us all. And sometimes it seems the burden of sadness is too great to bear. And even if we can, bear it, why are we being asked to do this?
I wondered this day because the sky was falling, in so many ways, and sometimes, even connects that seem to be miracles, are not always of the most positive kind, and then I ask, what is the message, for me, for us all
And so, despite my optimism, my sunniness, in many of these commentaries, I will say, we all experience that shadow time, when we ask the deepest of questions, and wonder, even if we can, bear this, why are we, being asked
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Some of my situations is different, I am the mother of 2 grown children and a 2 year old, grandchild.
"It is late at night. I think everyone is sleeping. It is time to catch up on e-mails, news, the only few minutes that are only all mine. Just for me. I deserve them, I mumble to no-one. Out of no-where the baby climbs on my lap, squeezing in between me and the monitor. I turn off the computer, frustrated. Again.
He cups my face in his beautiful, tiny hands and kisses me.
This is my life. These are the moments. This is the baby they said I couldn't have.
I thank G-d for this life.
Thank you Orly.
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Many years ago I felt less than, that what I was doing, being, was not that important in the scheme of things, being married to a very accomplished and brilliant geneticist, and always feeling, not from him, but from others, that I was just, "the wife", the housewife who raised the children, truly the silent listener, not a person of any consequence.
I took a profound journey that showed me that everything we do, has meaning, and that every single one of us, is here for a powerful reason, and that the most powerful thing any one of us can do, is teach our children love, respect, tradition, roots, and values. The biggest job of all, is sometimes regarded by society, with disdain.
I learned that even a housewife, studying dust, can learn the deepest secrets of the universe and that G_d , being everywhere, is deeply about LOVE and will speak to everyone, being an equal opportunity employer. And so I feel, to be at home, to be anywhere with LOVE is the answer. Torah will come to you!
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I see myself in this real life story and I say, YES, it is so hard to be in charge with every single movement of your child's/family's daily routine. Without me, the clock would STOP for a moment in my house until a miracle would happened. At the end of the day, I am Blessed to have what I have and to feel what I feel. Life is beautiful no matter how hard it is as long as you have something to be happy about!!!
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There is a larger meaning that hit me a few minutes after reading your lovely thoughts.
My mother, Jeannette Weiss, told me before she died this June, that being a stay at home mother was the highest calling for her.
Her work....her children are her life's work and her legacy.
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This is the life some of us wish we could have. Thank G_d for you are truly blessed to have all that you have.
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Your life sounds so very familiar, at the end of the day do it for your kids. you will have no regrets.
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One day, you will look back, down all the years, and see how the threads of your life came together, beautifully. This is a weave. You thread it with gold, with silver, with hope, with tears, and you do love!
We've: what we have, what we deal with.
Six children!
That's a big family, and lots of joy and work.
And sometime sadness. We all experience the ups, the downs, of life.
We say to "raise a child", and that is for rising, for getting up in the morning, each morning, and sometimes it feels so hard, but then, you made this choice, and they are yours, to hug, to hold, and to raise up high. Look, five fingers on each hand, ten toes! WOW! It's another miracle!
There is ordinary within the word, extraordinary. Small is BIG. And you are dealing with a lot of small, little feet, laughter, whispers, crying, wet diapers....
isn't it, wonderful, or wasn't it, looking back, down all the years!
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You write beautifully. You are lucky to be able to be your kids' mom and do bandaids and hugs. No hired help can possible give the love you are obviously giving to your children. However, unlike Noii, I disagree with "peace at any cost" with your sister. If having a relationship with her right now makes you irritable and angry, it's not worth it. Wait a few years. Diifficult people are like black holes and can suck you into their chaos and anger. Your priority is to be a mother - as calm and as happy as possible.
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