Part I: Angel Chat

It all started when I woke up one morning with a question eating at the corner of my brain: What is a soul?

In the words of a great American philosopher and baseball coach, "If you don't know what you're looking for, you ain't gonna find it." What the heck is a soul? Is it big or small? How do you measure it? What color is it? Where does it like to hang out? Does it laugh when you tickle it? How will I know it's what I'm looking for when I find it?

I logged on to enlightenedcucarachas.com and asked just these questions. Here's an excerpt from my log:

Cuca:

It's spiritual.

Me:

Okay. What color is spiritual?

Cuca:

Spiritual doesn't have color. Spiritual is stuff you can't perceive with your eyes. Or your nose. Or any of the five senses.

Me:

Like radio waves?

Cuca:

No. Radio waves are physical. They can be detected using a radio. Spiritual is stuff that can't be observed even with a radio.

Me:

What about with a body? Can you detect spiritual with a body?

Cuca:

No.

Me:

I don't get it. If what you're saying is correct, then the soul can't be spiritual, because it has an effect on the body!

I got kind of frustrated. I realized that if you want to understand what is spiritual, you have to ask one of the natives. Since I can't see angels, I logged on to one of their online tech support sites. Somehow, we managed to communicate:

Me:

Hi! You deal with technical difficulties related to spiritual/physical analog?

Angel:

Shoot.

Me:

I guess this is kind of simple. How come I can't see anything spiritual? How come I can't see my own soul? What is spiritual anyway?

Angel:

Hold it... what is it you can't see?

Me:

Spiritual. Soul. That stuff.

Angel:

And instead...

Me:

Well, instead I see physical. Matter. That kind of stuff. Something wrong with that?

Angel:

Hold on. This is neat. "Physical matter." Describe it.

Me:

Matter? Well, it's...it's physical. Matter. Stuff. But how about spiritual...? Is that real stuff or...?

Angel:

I'm lacking data here. Listen, you want an answer, I want to help you, but I'm going to need some data. Now, this "physical stuff," what sort of definition does it have?

Me:

Well, let me check...I've got an online dictionary

Angel:

No! Not that definition!

Me:

...American Heritage... physical adj. 1.a. Of or relating to the body, as distinguished from the mind or spirit. See Synonyms at bodily

Angel:

No! Not a word definition. I mean, like how does it resolve?

Me:

Resolve?

Angel:

Actually, I can check that for you. Give me your ontological parameters.

Me:

? :<

Angel:

What world are you in? Wait, I can check that through your IP...here it is...holy, holy, holies...looky herey....awesome! Hey, how did you get through to us from way down there?

Me:

Wonders of modern technology I guess. Those guys at Chabad.org... Kabbalah and Java do wonders together...

Angel:

This is amazing...

Me:

I thought you guys were helping them on that...

Angel:

You've got some incredible degree of resolution down there. I mean, you've got distinct, discrete events and even discrete objects. There's exclusive resolution in your world, right?

Me:

If you say so.

Angel:

I mean, when you see something, there's nothing else in the place where that thing is?

Me:

Well, if something's there, it's like, just there. And not something else....

Angel:

Yes! That is so awesome! I mean, it's so totally beyond anything imaginable. And if it's there, it's not somewhere else, right?

Me:

So, about this spiritual stuff...

Angel:

It's so cool! The degree the Ultimate One went through to make an ultimate world! How do you beings manage to operate down there?

Me:

We're okay. Listen, I actually logged on because I had this question...

Angel:

I mean, how much information could possibly come through with so many filters and resolution encoding and all?

Me:

...so I'm trying to figure out, if there is really a soul...

Angel:

Oh yeah. Now I get it. You can't even see your own soul! Holy cherubimis!

Me:

Or anything that's not physical.

Angel:

Whoa! Yeah, I get it now. I mean look at those hi-res parameters. With hi-definition exclusivity and all... no, really sorry, it's actually kind of sad, there's no way you're going to be able to see the inside of anything. Look, you can't have everything...

Me:

I don't get the hi-res stuff. There's plenty of blurriness down here. I just have to take off my glasses... I still don't see any souls. Or angels.

Angel:

You're talking about spatial resolution. Hey! That's so neat. You guys probably have no concept of time-blur or even conceptual-blur.

Me:

Okay, hold off on the human-bashing there. That's not true. Look, we may not be angels, but we think. Ideas can get awful blurry at times.

Angel:

Hold it! You think! That changes everything...let me check the readings here...no, but your perceptors...

Me:

It's an ophthalmology issue?

Angel:

All your perceptors...eyes, ears, nose, taste, qlark...

Me:

Qlark?

Angel:

You didn't discover that one yet. And then there's haptic response...

Me:

Like touching things?

Angel:

That's the worst. They're all so hi-res. It's just how your central neurological system is designed. All the incoming data gets so tightly organized... there's just no way...

Me:

So what kind of receptors do you need to see spiritual? Maybe some of our techies could...

Angel:

Same receptors. But I think I've got it solved. It's just the degree of resolution your neurology does. Here, let's test my thesis. Hold on -- how many dimensions do you do?

Me:

Uh... three.

Angel:

Oy.

Me:

But this device reduces it to two.

Angel:

That's wild. Well, don't feel so bad, I'm in a similar situation -- relatively speaking. We only do ten, but there are higher realms that do thirteen, eighteen and even twenty-six! But two, gevald. Look, we can handle it. We'll try this...

Me:

Something just popped up here.

Angel:

So what is it?

Me:

It's an angel with wings. No, wait, it's a truck. Wait, it's an angel.

Angel:

Neat, eh?

Me:

Oh, I've seen plenty of those. Old hag/young woman. Geometric figures that invert. Don't have to be an angel to make one of those.

Angel:

Yeah, but try this: Can you see both at the same time?

Me:

Ummm, well...

Angel:

Keep trying...

Me:

Yeahhhuhhnyehhhuhhh... no way.

Angel:

That's it! Your brain is designed to resolve all data to one and only one exclusive percept! That's what it's doing with everything coming into your brain. And if the brain can't resolve something... then it just doesn't exist for you. Yes! That explains it! Hold on... One more test... Can you see emotions?

Me:

You don't see emotions. You feel emotions!

Angel:

Oh.

Me:

You didn't know that?

Angel:

Well, there goes my whole thesis.

Me:

That's a problem?

Angel:

Sure, I really needed one. I could have been the first angel to discover and explain this phenomenon. But, look, if the data doesn't fit, the data doesn't fit. Doesn't matter how much you want it to...

Me:

Humans aren't supposed to feel emotions?

Angel:

Look, if you do, you do. I have no idea how it works. I mean, how could haptic palpation interpret better than visual...

Me:

No! Not that kind of feel! I mean, feel. Like internal response. Hold on...
3. To be conscious of a specified kind or quality of physical, mental, or emotional state: felt warm and content; feels strongly about the election.

Angel:

Ohhh! No, no, no buddy! That's conceptual! Sure, even we angels can do conceptual way beyond our own realms! No, no, no... we're talking here about I/O. Perceptor input from the outside reality! Like, you don't touch emotions with your hands, do you now?

Me:

Now, that would be weird.

Angel:

Sure. But do you see them with your eyes?

Me:

No. Well, yes. I mean, I can see some guy waving his arms at me and his face is all red and he's screaming bloody murder -- so I know he's angry. Angry is an emotion.

Angel:

But you don't see the emotion itself, right?

Me:

The emotion itself. No.

Angel:

Kewl. That's neat. You see gestures. You don't see emotions.

Me:

Angels see emotions?

Angel:

And why don't you?

Me:

Well, how could you see emotions? I mean, what could they look like?

Angel:

Look, you can't see ultraviolet either, right? Or any of the spectra beyond that. Other creatures in your realm do. Like bees. So what do those colors look like?

Me:

But I know they are colors. I know what a color looks like. But emotions?

Angel:

You see gestures, right?

Me:

Those are physical.

Angel:

What's physical about them?

Me:

Well, a body is physical.

Angel:

A body is a concept. What makes a body separate from the background?

Me:

It moves together. As a whole.

Angel:

See. So it's a concept. Your eyes and ears take in the data, then your mind turns it into a concept. You don't see the data. You see the concept. Like, what are you looking at right now... on the 2-D screen there?

Me:

Words.

Angel:

Not little dots?

Me:

Sure, they're made of little pixels, I know that.

Angel:

But your mind doesn't see little dots. It sees words, right?

Me:

Okay.

Angel:

So, if your mind can take in data of little dots and make them into words, and it can take in data of movement and make it into an image of a body, and it can take an array of data from various optical cells and create colors out of them... why can't it form an image of emotions?

Me:

I dunno. Why not?

Angel:

That's just it! Because your mind resolves too far! Emotions can't be resolved that far! They just don't fit in! They're outside your cookie cutter. Your mind makes images only of things that are this and not that, here and not there. If it can't be resolved that far, it's lost. Unfiled. Elusive. Out of range!
Whoa...I'm overtime! Listen, come back again. Or better -- send me some of your co-beings. I need to generalize this data. I mean, a larger sample. Gotta be scientific. Gotta go.

YOUR SESSION HAS BEEN ENDED. PLEASE SUPPORT ANGEL.COM WITH YOUR DONATION OF PRAYERS AND BLESSINGS

But my search has not ended. There is more to investigate. But I'm clearly on the way. Stay tuned.