Best Friend's Wedding on Yom Kippur
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Question:
I have a big dilemma. One of my best friends that I've known for 10 years is getting married on Yom Kippur. He's not Jewish and I know he did this with only good intentions, but it's too late to change anything. To make it worse, I am the best man. Is there any way around this situation? I have to be there by 5:00 pm at the latest which means there is still 2 hours and 45 minutes left of Yom Kippur.
Response:
Think of Sandy Koufax. It's the 1965 World Series. He's scheduled to pitch on Yom Kippur, but declines. Instead, he attends synagogue in Minneapolis. (His replacement pitched terribly and the Dodgers lost 8–2.)
Your best friend's wedding is like your World Series. As a Jew, Yom Kippur comes first. It's difficult but it's the right decision, and I think you know that yourself. With a caring, sincere, and honest explanation, along with a big hug, your friend will understand too.
What did Koufax do after Yom Kippur? He went on to pitch games Two, Five, and Seven, throwing complete-game shutouts in games Five and Seven.
I believe the same will happen to you. You'll get to that wedding after Yom Kippur ends, and celebrate in a completely different way than if had you been there from the beginning. It's sacrifices--and successes--like these that take us up to a whole new level of inspired Jewishness.
Let me know how things go.
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Latest Comments:
Truthfully, your friend probably didn't know it was Yom Kippur, and perhaps, didn't understand the significance of the event. I was raised a Protestant, and am now beginning the conversion process. In spite of being around Jews growing up, I never realized the importance of this event. I think most American Christians, probably believe that Passover or Hannakah are the most important Jewish events. And, since the date is different every time, your friend probably didn't do it on purpose.
That said, personal priorities and beliefs surpass this conflict. When my husband and I were married, his chosen Best Man didn't want to come to the wedding because his wife was 6 months pregnant. It was disappointing, but understandable. Your friend will understand.
You probably accepted without realizing it was Yom Kippur--everyone makes mistakes. Tell your friend your dilemma, your decision, write a great speech, and let him choose another Best Man in time.
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You have opened a door in your life with your question and this is good. The month of Elul is the time for preparing ourselves for the holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur etc.). I suggest you get together with your Rabbi or a Chabad Rabbi and discuss your situation. However, there are many questions not just the one you presented (If the wedding was not held on Yom Kipper, may a Jew be a "Best Man" at a non-jewish wedding? Is the wedding being held in a church? Are you making a commitment by being a part of the wedding? Do you keep kosher? Do you drink non-kosher wine? Do you dance with girls? Do you shake hands with women?etc. etc.) You have given yourself an opportunity tp learn more about your religion and your commitment to Judaism.. I encourge you and ask G-d to give you the ability to go from strenght to strength in your commitment to G-d and the Jewish people.
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1: Your friend was not remiss for scheduling the wedding on Yom Kippur, any more than you would be remiss for scheduling yours during Ramadan. It's your responsibility to know and deal with these things, not his.
2: Knowing you can't be at the ceremony, do something else for your friend. Throw him a big party, take the couple out for a special evening, give him a wonderful gift.
3: Please don't listen to Noii Asberry, who questions your very Judaism. We live in the world, and facing these dilemmas and dealing with them is how we make ourselves holy. Human virtue is greater than the virtue of the angels, because they don't have free will. You have the opportunity to create a tremendous kiddush Hashem (sanctification of God's name) by holding to your beliefs while maintaining grace and character. This situation is no one's fault, and your friendship will survive.
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I think that if this is truly one of your best friends, he will understand.
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My fiance and I originally had our wedding planned for Yom Kippur 2011, we changed it in deference to his very observant sister (we are an interfaith couple, but want to be as respectful as possible to her beliefs)
The struggle has been that many of the other weekends in October are also holidays (that neither I nor my fiance celebrate) and so we are struggling to be respectful to her beliefs while still planning a wedding! Your friend will probably be so relieved that you're willing to come later in the celebration (rather than call him and tell him EVERY date is unacceptable) that he won't be angry
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If you must raise this question about Yom Kippur and your responsibility to observe it and keep it holy before G-d, then perhaps you have been seduced to ignore your duties to G-d on Yom Kippur. Which is it?
A wedding on Yom Kippur- it's obvious that your "best friend" is not Jewish. I suppose the question is, are you Jewish?
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A company I work for held its international conference in Las Vegas. They were thrilled that they could get amazingly low prices, so they booked the convention at the Rivera. Why were the prices so low? Because it was Yom Kippur! They wondered why so many reps hadn't registered for the event. I explained to the vice president that it was Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar and that no Jew would attend.
So they looked at the calendar for the next few years. Sure enough, the conference was scheduled to be on sukkot the following year. But it was too late to change their plans.
As a footnote, it was required to be licensed in Texas. I can never forget the date of my original license: 9/11/01.
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being proudly Jewish is a great Kiddish Hashem- sanctification of G-d's Holy Name.
Nothing is ever achieved without sacrifice- standing up for Jewish values is one of the greatest things one can do.
Missing part of the wedding will be difficult, but I can assure you that it will be worth it.
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Tell your friend now, well in advance, that you cannot be his best man, so that he has time to select someone else. Letting him know as early as possible is the right way to handle the situation. Explain to him that Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year for Jews. Give him a generous personal gift before the wedding so he and his bride will always remember how thoughtful you were and not how you missed their wedding.
You haven't mentioned other issues here: participating in a church service, eating nonkosher food and drinking nonkosher wine, violating the Sabbath, mixed dancing, so I would assume that these other issues don't bother you. Perhaps your friend never realized before that you had any interest at all in any kind of Jewish religious observance. This is not to be judgmental of you, you have every right to choose the level of Jewish observance you want in your life. But your friend may simply not have known that Yom Kippur means anything to you.
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I understand your dilemma but feel your friend should understand why this would be very difficult for you.
It seems we are thrown constant dilemmas in life and ethical issues. I think, actually, being "me", that there are issue of ethics that do lie in the gray area, and that it is the angst with which we come to our decisions that is importance, namely the weighting of options.
I do feel, given extreme angst, though I am not disagreeing with other opinions, that God would forgive you IF you attended the wedding those final two hours and went to services before this, or did what you do, on this holiest of days.
What is part of the equation, always, is friendship and love. What does God want?
I believe it's the internal conflict and coming to terms with oneself and a personal relationship with the Creator.
It is said we are all of us constantly being thrown into ethical dilemmas, and of course, who you ask, will alter the response. But the altar you must deal with, is God's.
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