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I Love My Friend's Husband!


By Chaya Sarah Silberberg

Question:

My friend's husband is such a fine, good person. I envy her for this man she has, and feel like I may be falling in love with him. Help!

Response:

My friend–who wears the same size dress as I do–had a stunning gown that I wanted to borrow to wear to my daughter's wedding. I tried it on and it was a disaster. It drained me of all color, and seemed to have been designed expressly to make me look as short, dumpy, and frumpy as possible. But, oh, it looked so beautiful on her! Eventually I found a different gown (which wasn't that exciting on the hanger) that was perfect for me, looked great, and earned me tons of compliments.

If you believe in G‑d, then you surely believe that He is running, supervising, and orchestrating all the events that take place in this world. That's why our sages teach that no one can take possession of anything that is meant for someone else. And if this man is your friend's husband, then he is not meant for you–like the dress that looks so beautiful on the hanger or magnificent on your friend, but on you, it emphasizes all your flaws and clashes with your coloring.

You might, however, try to observe your friend and learn from her. What kind of qualities does she have that make her beloved by a fine man? And then try to emulate those positive qualities yourself. That's one thing you are allowed to envy–and even to steal for yourself: another person's good traits.

Keep telling yourself that you are destined to find true love, to find your soul mate. But that's not going to be your friend's husband. He won't fit right. G‑d willing you will find your own soul mate soon.
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By Chaya Sarah Silberberg   More articles...  |   RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbetzin of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org’s Ask the Rabbi service.
All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

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Reader Comments
Latest Comments:
Posted: Apr 8, 2011
If you want to do the right thing,
Move out of the city and start again, at least for a while until the pain in your heart goes away, and do NOT contact the friend or her husband again. You are not a good friend to her, and are breaking one of the MAJOR ten commandments. Do them a favor and LEAVE. Hanging around them will only serve to HURT you and possibly break up their marriage. Did you know that it is now ILLEGAL to break up a marriage in America? Yes. You can be taken to court for alienation of affection. It's against the law. Do you want to not only hurt G-d but also be a criminal?
Posted By Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell, Riverside, CA, USA

Posted: Apr 3, 2011
friend;s husband
I don't believe that you are falling in love with this man. I do believe, that you are experiencing confusion within yourself and that perhaps you are missing a connection to someone that you yearn for, It might now be a certain person, but it might want to fill a void that is in your life right now. It might even have something to do with a childhood void and it is being replayed in current life. If this feeling persists, you might wan to consider therapy to work through it. Love is a relationship between two people and your friend's husband is not a participant.
Posted By Anonymous, McKinney, TX

Posted: Jan 17, 2011
Friend's husband
I think this woman is not necessarily dealing with "love." I think there are insecurities and issues here that professional counseling would benefit her. She doesn't seem to know the difference between"love" and appreciating someone's good qualities. I think her issue goes deeper and I wish her success in finding therapy that will enable her to become the person that she was meant to be.
Posted By Anonymous, McKinney, TX

Posted: Nov 16, 2010
friends husband
First of all, ilt doesn't matter if its lust, love or whatever you want to call it, and it doesn't matter anything.

One of the greatest mitzvahs and ideals in Judaiism is Shalolm Bayis. (peace between a husband wife.)

One of the greatest evils in Jusaism is to destroy shalom bayis-to do or say anything at all that could possibly lesson the love or admiration or good feelings between a husband and wife even to to tiniest degree.

And to even consider utterly destroyiing a Jewish home?
It is beyond comprehension that a person could possibly contemplate doing such an evil deed and that others try to justify it is equally unbelievible.

.
Posted By Shoshanah, Yerushalayim, Israel

Posted: Sep 3, 2010
I love my friend's husband
Hello,

Can I say something from experience? The grass is always greener on the other side. If we live with someone we may find out they are not perfect but have the usual flaws and they may not be all that attractive as we thought.

Many husbands seem perfect to others, its only the people at home and the wife who knows the truth and often it is the opposite. This I speak from experience.

Now this may not be the case with this person, but just giving you another perspective.

I pray that you will find a true partner and be blessed. Stay away from looking at this person, guard your heart or you will get hurt. If you find it hard, best to keep a big distance till you overcome your emotions.
Posted By Anonymous, Mel, vic

Posted: Aug 23, 2010
Opposites attrack
Your friend & her husband may both be fine, good people. In this case, it would be well to love them both enough to leave them alone. Search for someone that is good & single, and pray that if you marry....you have better friends.
Posted By Rocky L Stone, Tulsa, OK

Posted: Aug 8, 2010
For G-d's sake, control yourself!
I have created so much misery, shame, and regret for myself by getting all swept up in my emotions. Please don't make that mistake. Listen to Ms. Silberberg.

If your friend owned and wore the the most beautiful diamond you ever saw, you need to remind yourself that it belongs to her, and you have no right to covet it. I think the commandment not to covet a man's wife applies to you -- just switch the genders around. In principle, it's all the same.

Instead of "loving" her husband, try loving your friend. Try loving them as a couple and loving the sacred institution that is their marriage. Most of all try loving G-d and G-d's Torah which will put all this in perspective.
Posted By Rob W. , Pittsburgh, PA / USA

Posted: Aug 1, 2010
wives
the Rabbis stated many centuries ago: 1 wife, 1 husband. and the decree was accepted and period.

when King David was very old, and sick, and suffering due to his past mistakes, the young lady was hired to warm him, just this.

the Tanakh is not a fairy ale story, to read linearly. it's a sacred book, to study.

there is no way to find anything which can justify such a situation. by the way, no comparison is possible and permissible between us average men and King David.

every one should be humble enough to understand that our ancestors are far higher than anyone of us, from the worst evildoer to the greatest sages of the generation.

there is no politically correct or incorrect in judaism. there is the law and that's it.

by the way, one can always try to say that women have and inferior status in judaism. any one who is lightly learned will demolish such a reasoning in a few seconds.
Posted By Morris Abadi, Sao Paulo, Brazil

Posted: Aug 1, 2010
biblical response, not 21st century politically co
This is a biblical response, not 21st century - politically correct response, which is mainly what Ive read from everyone else.
From all of my reading, Ive never seen in the bible that a man is not allowed more then one wife/concubine. It is always the female that is called the adulterous wife No reference to an adulterous husband. I need to first mention that the word adulterous is used because it is a reference to being an idol worshiper. So its not about multiple partners. However with that stated, a women who has an affair is stoned and so is the man in biblical times. (And in the Arab countries this is still practiced.)

Now lets look at all the men who had wives, concubines etc.
King David was ALLLOWED several wives. If Im not mistaken a king is allowed 18. In the book of Kings, he is old, cold etc. He has the maximum amount of wives. The advisors tell him they will get a young women to keep him warm in bed.
Posted By ML Suriano, Atl.Hlds, NJ

Posted: Aug 1, 2010
Eliyahu's comment needed to be stated. Thanks for the appeal to logic and the reference to the Talmud. Where in the Talmud does G-d's intentions appear? Can you give an example. I'm intrigued.
Posted By Anonymous, LA, CA



 


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