Should I Go? - Learning & Values

Question:

I just received an invitation from my friend to her son's Bar Mitzvah. Unfortunately, a few years ago, we had a bad fall out. I was terribly offended and hurt, our relationship was badly damaged and we never really resolved anything.

We haven't spoken since. I feel strange and even hypocritical to attend the Bar Mitzvah. I am still hurting and can't just pretend that everything is okay. What do you think?

Answer:

I am not aware of all the details and certainly don't want to undermine the intensity of your anger and hurt. But let me share with you an old Jewish expression: "Better to have a false peace than a real conflict."

Repairing damaged relationships is difficult and complex. The path to resolving a dispute is challenging. It takes willingness, patience and strength of character on both sides.

But standing on ceremonies and hanging on to conflict guarantees that it will linger on and never come to an end. Insisting on correct protocol and waiting for the right person to apologise first is always ineffective.

The first step towards resolution is to break down boundaries, melt the ice and create an opportunity for communication.

Maybe your friend hasn't done the right thing. But sincerely or not, she has reached out. Now is not the time to analyse her exact motives or to pursue the absolute truth. It is far better to grab the opportunity and hopefully begin a process of repairing the relationship.

By attending the Bar Mitzvah you are not a hypocrite, nor are you making a statement that everything is okay. You are merely saying that while there are still unresolved issues you nevertheless wish her well and are prepared to begin the process of restoring the friendship.

Go to the event, relax and enjoy.

By Michoel Gourarie

Rabbi Michoel Gourarie lectures on a wide range of topics with a special emphasis on Personal Growth and Self Development, including self esteem, communication and relationship building. He is the director of "Bina" in Sydney, Australia.

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February 15, 2011

There are some friends I would not want.

Yet, if they are not physically dangerous, I would go to functions where I know they will attend, if the functions are important. A bar mitzvah is important to the child. Yet, probably, the person inviting a known "enemy" probably just wants a check for a gift. SHOWING UP to this function would be a real prize to YOU, and a slap in the face to the person who invited you who just wants your money and not your attendance. To me, this would be GOOD. Who knows? The person JUST may be honest and sincere. You never know. It COULD be a break in the ice, or not. You never know.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

February 15, 2011

Should I Go?

I think this is very well thought out and agree that while we can still be hurting (and have lost face in our view), we must make efforts to resolve problems. I would also encourage anyone in this situation to make that first effort. You never know what will happen and you just may regain a wonderful friend.

Diane
Gainesville

August 27, 2010

How to deal with toxic people in your life...

Just don't get too close. You can still say hello, goodbye, and go to functions where they will be attending. If they begin to say horrid things, then you excuse yourself and get involved talking to someone else. We don't know that this one time will be a gigantic breakthrough. It is what it is. A bar mitzvah, for goodness sake.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

August 27, 2010

Mending relationships

Michoel Gourarie is so right that I don't have the words to express it. I am 68. Twice in my life I have seen people I love (and who initially loved each other) have dreadful quarrels over virtually nothing. After doing all I reasonably could to reconcile them, one party in each quarrel died - and was of course gone forever. Never again would there be an opportunity to make up, to forgive, to love again. Life is too short; bad feeliings too unimportant; scars that remain are forever. It doesn't matter who was hurt; try, at the very least to care for that person again.

Anonymous
Melbourne, Australia

August 24, 2010

What is a COMMANDMENT about this?

Do to others what you WISH or WANT them to do for you. If this were YOUR child, and you wanted to make it special, wouldn't you want EVERYONE who knows your child to SUPPORT him at his bar mitzvah, EVEN THOUGH you may not like the people? Of course you would. So, you support the child. The adult relationships are extraneous and not important in this decision. It's not about you. Get over yourself. It's about the boy becoming a man.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

August 24, 2010

Is She Being Evil?

In a democracy - the absolute greatest freedom is the freedom to choose what you think.

Maybe she sent you the invitation to to pick at scar of your hurt. Maybe she's imagining (and gloating about) how much anxiety she is provoking in you. .... and looked at like she is being evil by inviting you to her son's Bar Mitzvah.

Or maybe her invitation to you is a simple, prayerful, offering of love - offered with low personal risk to her if you choose to reject it

Maybe she is just afraid as you are and she is hoping you are big enough to accept her love offering.

The good news is that neither of you need be alone together at the Bar Mitzvah and you can go with an open mind to see what happens next.

You can RSVP and add a hopeful comment like, "Bar Mitzvahs are about new beginnings and I choose to join with you for your son's" ..... she'll know what you mean.

Choosing to attend can be a triumph for you - Enjoy it.

Levi W.
Bangkok, Thailand

August 21, 2010

nice

good answer & great picture to bring out the point (love the FAKE smile)

Anonymous

August 21, 2010

Should I go?

Of course you should go. In posing your question you wrote "my friend" not my former friend. That means that beneath the hurt you still care about each other. Obviously she cared enough to send the invitation. Now it's your turn to make a positive response. If you can't get over your hurt, send her a note afterwards, saying that inasmuch as you enjoyed the Bar Mitzvah, there are still unresolved issues for the two of you to settle.
She may not even realize, until you tell her, how much she hurt you. Meanwhile enjoy!

Greer Fay Cashman
Jerusalem, Israel

August 21, 2010

Awesome, awesome wisdom!!

Anonymous
Old Fort

August 20, 2010

By extending you an invitation, it is her action rather than her words that is saying she is sorry. It sounds like she is offering you the opportunity to reconnect. Take it. Staying angry is not making you feel better, is it?
Don't prevent her from making ammends. Be gracious as you would want G-d to be gracious to you.

diane
tinton falls, nj/usa

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