Do I Need To Honor My Mother-In-Law?
Chabad.org Staff  |
Question:
Hi, I had a quick question. Is there somewhere where the halachah discusses the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in law? I was just wondering to what extent the law of "honor you parents" holds true in this case.
Answer:
You're right in assuming that there is an obligation to honor the in-laws, and that it may differ from the honor we must show parents.
The obligation to honor parents comes straight from the Torah—it's one of the Ten Commandments. But are your spouse's parents also considered your parents?
It seems that King David thought so. And his father-in-law, King Saul, wasn't exactly the easiest customer. In fact, Saul was out to kill David. When Saul walked into a cave where David was hiding, David had the opportunity to kill him first. Instead, he simply cut off a piece of Saul's skirt. When Saul left the cave, David ran after him. He presented the piece of cloth as evidence that he could have killed him but refrained from doing so and said, "See, my father, see again…"1
That's the verse from which we learn that a father-in-law is also a father. The law is codified in the Code of Jewish Law, therefore, that father-in-laws are to be honored.2 It logically follows that a mother-in-law is also a mother so that she too must be honored.3
But are they exactly the same as parents, or only sort of the same?
Rabbi Yoel Sirkes contends that David meant "my father" as an honorific title. He points out that elsewhere in the Torah the title "father" is used to address one's master or teacher and concludes that while one must honor his in-laws, the degree of honor due to them is not the same as the honor due to parents. He also points out that this appears to be the contention of the Code of Jewish Law.4
Hopefully, your mother-in-law is kinder to you than Saul was to David. Yet David taught us that no matter what the case, she deserves at least the sort of respect that is due to a wise teacher or an elderly person.
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Latest Comments:
You feel very hurt, still, and are missing your mother. Also, the double standard your husband is showing you is like a slap in the face. You didn't say who told your mom she had to move, but I'll bet it was on your shoulders. If that was the last conversation you had with her before she died and it so hurt her feelings, you must feel so torn up inside. My opinion is that you need to go to a Rabbi whom you trust with your life, and pour your heart out to him. Also, find a psychologist and a marriage counselor (lucky if you find one person who is both) and pour your heart out to that person. They will help you know your options, but you have to be prepared for the consequences of any action or decision you make. Staying in your situation without making some change is NOT an option, because you are under stress. When I say "suck it up" it doesn't mean just do nothing. It means, be strong in faith and courage. Realize, too, it's not your mom in law you hate. It's the situation.
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First of all she is living with us and has no place to go, and doesn't want to support herself in her late 50's. Second when she and I have a disagreement she refuses to watch my daughter so she is really unreliable depending on her mood. Third when my mother was alive and living with us my husband told me that if I wanted to save our marriage she needs to go, even though she was older then his mom, and sick( we didn't know how sick)she moved to NY to be near her sister but died a year later alone in the hospital. Now I have a lot of guilt that my mother could not live with us but his mom is.Plus we don't have a spare room and she is sleeping on the livingroom couch. Do you still think that I have to suck it up even though I am in my early 40's and need my self respect and dignity!
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1. Someone who hates you, curses you out, insults you constantly, takes out her angers on you.
2. Someone who physically hurts or attacks you.
Other than that, it's all in the personalities. A difficult personality is not a bad mother in law. A son who loves and respects his mom is not a momma's boy. Suck it up, let go of your own need to be controlling. Learn to communicate. Respect begets respect. Usually.
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If you have a "bad" mother-in-law, you need to talk to your husband about. Even if HE thinks his mother's a pain, he won't love you for it - some husbands divorce their wives for not getting along with their mothers.
You need to know if your husband is a "mama's boy." Don't tell him to choose betweeen you and his mother, but you need to let him know that you married him, NOT his mother, and if he can't or won't stand up to his mother, tell him you will!
It's not enough to demand respect - it also has to be earned, and your mother-in-law needs to recognize that, If she won't, ban her from visiting.
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From how you described your mother in law, my advice would be to suck it up and be GRATEFUL you have her, and then just adjust to the situation. After all, you ARE in need of working, and she is doing all she can to support you and back you up. I remember that I took in my son and daughter in law, and she had the need to be in control, since she was a new wife and wanted to decide all sorts of things. It's a natural feeling, as a wife. Instead of being grateful to me, she cursed me out, insulted me, and ordered me around. She also felt as you do. Guess what? If you are not in the position of being the female head of the house because of financial necessity to work, you HAVE to accept your mother in law's ways and also her control. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy. You won't have her always. At some point, she'll become to OLD to do all those things, and need YOUR help. Then, she'll die. so, suck it up and say "Thank you" to her. Try ASKING her to help you adjust your feelings.
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My mother in law is currently staying with us, watching our daughter and is making me misearable. She tries to help but takes over and rearanges everything in the house. She also tries to contoll me by telling me when and how to do things, like prepare meals. Now I am afraid my husband will never let her go since he is used to her doing the cooking, the cleaning and watching our daughter when I work. I want to be respectfull but since my mother past a way 2 years ago I feel like I am betraying her and also loosing controll of my own home and self respect. Please tell me what to do in this situation.
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A parent is a parent. When you marry, you become one, and that makes your spouse's parents your parents. The only "obligation" is to make sure they never go without a roof over their head and go hungry (or without medical necessities). There is no other obligation. As far as "putting up with" verbal abuse? You're not obligated. However, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Don't escalate it. Avoidance is better. To which house do you go for each Holy Day? Those things are up to you guys. Please don't leave elderly seniors alone, however, on any holiday. My opinion, at least visit once a month? Shouldn't be too much to ask. One day, they may die. (May?) Then, you'll be wondering if you could have done more.
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between a son-in-law's obligation and a daughter-in-law's obligation?
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Even when you don't LIKE the mother in law. There are ways to get AWAY from the screaming and blaming, if that is what's happening. You always can have to suddenly go to the restroom, or rush out for something you forgot at the store. Or, you can say, "Thank you so much for visiting. I hope you can come another weekend" and then walk to the door and open it.
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Respect comes naturally from a kind heart. But for that to happen, you must first form yourselves with an attitude of doing good and forbidding evil. It is important to keep oneself clean inside the self. One way is to not say evil words or use foul language and to guard oneself from plotting evil things. It is easy to get creative regarding evil things, rather try to be creative regarding goodly things, things that are kosher. Things like helping the poor, the needy, the hungry, and all of that we kindly do for the cause of our Lord who made us upright.
Honesty and kindness strengthen our purpose in life and that enables us to live in harmony with our in-laws.
If some in-law yells at you or uses foul language, then don't let yourself be dragged down into the same behaviour. If this is the case then it is truly someone that has not reached yet to a higher level of intellectual development. We have a whole lifetime to learn and develop, don't let us waste that valuable time.
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